Moving past the anger

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Oh lia! Honestly, you just have to learn to let it go. It’s perhaps going to take more time than you thought, and with all the negativity that the girl has thrown your way, I’m not all that surprised that you have a bit of negativity for her as well. 

I have a hard time letting go of some of the anger that other people have created in me as well, but eventually, you just have to decide that it’s not worth your time or energy. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice, but it really is something you simply have to work through and let go.

 

Post # 7
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Time is the only thing.

 

I’ve been in a similar place to you, and I think it’s great that you can recogniize that this anger is making you UN-YOU. 

 

What I learned from my Hate Period:

1. no one really feels your hate but you, so don’t bother trying to get people to listen to you.

2. The person you hate is not worth the emotion/time/energy you are spending on her.

3. You can’t “turn off” the hate. You can’t “get over it.” Be patient and try try try to put your energy in other directions. Eventually you will move past it, but you can’t rush it.

4. Eventually, you will be so PAST the hate that you might even be able to be friendly with this person. I kid you not. It sounds totally insane, but it’s possible. At a certain point you will be over this and will totally totally NOT CARE. 

 

Until then, let yourself feel what you feel. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Can you repeat whatever you did during therapy that led you to let go of it.  Of course, now you have had the experience of letting her back in and regretting it.  So, you know you won’t do that again.  

I’m a proponent of fake it till you  make it.  Next time you have the opportunity to be around her or someone has a comment about her – make either a complimentary commment – or at least a neutral one. 

Either that or find someone safe (and if your FI/DH isn’t the best choice – maybe a therapist is) and talk and talk and talk and talk about how much you hate her and what you hope happens.  At some point hopefully you’ll get sick of hearing it yourself and allow yourself to move on.    

Post # 10
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee

@MexiPino:  I think it’s great that you recognize this is something you need to move past. The reason why time usually helps is that you grow to realize that you have other, valuable friendships and the one with the ex-friend was an insignificant part of your life. You might be able to speed up that process by spending more time with your true friends and consciously reminding yourself that your current friendships give you the happiness that your old friendship did not.

Post # 12
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I held a lot of hate/anger/resentment towards a former friend too, because of her actions and lies about those actions.   Thankfully I don’t have to see her much, but we do run in the same circle of friends and I have to remain civil.  I can also understand your feelings spiking when you have to be around her- IMO, it sounds like you haven’t had a chance to be heard.  I’m not justifying what she said to you, but she probably thinks that she was in the right by telling you not to be rude- but she isn’t considering your viewpoint either.

If there would be a way to confront her (in a healthy, mature way- “I have unresolved feelings from our disagreement, can we talk this out?”) maybe you would have an easier time working through that stuff.  I know it’s less work and feels less threatening to just wish for third nipples and such (lol at that, btw), but in the long run, what will be the most constructive approach for you?

I agree with PP that a lot of it is just time.  Time to let the anger boil away, and for the resentment to simmer down.  In the meantime, focus on the good things in life- friends you enjoy, time with family, a good book and a glass of wine (or three), going for a walk or run, a hot bath –whatever helps you relax and feel more centered.

Post # 13
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MexiPino:  Read the book Forgive for Good. It helped me tremendously I hope it helps you as well:)

Post # 14
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@prahajess:  +1

 

@MexiPino:  you need to get past this.  accept was has happened, accept that you no longer have a relationship with her and move on.  a good way is to think about how much better your life is now that she is not involved in it.  what are all of the positives that has happened since?  how are you feeling since? focus on the wonderful things in your life.

i suggest to really look at yourself.  are you truly happy with yourself?  what can you do to improve who you are?  i ask this because when an individual loves and accepts themselves for who they are, they are much more forgiving and accepting to others and their faults.

Post # 15
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MexiPino:  I’ve been in this situaton before and I know how much it sucks. The pps on this thread have given a lot of great advice that I’m sure you’ll find very useful. 

Firstly, I’d like to say that I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I’m sorry you suffered with this friend for so long. It’s great that you got it together and ended the friendship and I think it’s incredibly mature that you want to work towards being civil with this…nasty lady. 

I think one of the most important things you have to remember is this: it’s okay to recognize that this ex-friend wronged you, and it’s also okay to have negative feelings about her. You don’t have to forgive this girl 100% or even 10% for all the bad stuff she did, you just have to let go of your anger. It’s fine to dislike someone (especially if they wronged you) and you don’t have to hide it either as long as it doesn’t poison your other relationships. 

If you want to be civil with this girl then you don’t have to like her or defend her or pretend not to dislike her. You just have to be at a point where you can interact briefly without making everyone around you wildly uncomfortable. Civility is a courtesy that you perform for others, so when you feel like gouging her eyes out tell yourself that you’re doing this for your friends. You don’t owe this girl anthing and the politeness you are showing to her is not for her benefit. I always find it easier to swallow my bad feelings and be courteous when I remember that extending brief politeness to someone who I hate doesn’t mean I hate them any less – it just means I know how to behave like an adult. 

IMO this process should be more about resolution and closure for you than any kind of forgiveness for her which is why I think saying positive things about her like a pp suggested is a bad idea. If you want to get closure on your feelings then write a letter to your friend telling her about all of the bad stuff that she did to you and how it made you feel. Get it all out, cry and be mad if you have to, and then just let go of all of those feelings. The friendship is over so I don’t think you’ll ever be able to tell her how you really feel, but maybe that’s a good thing. It means that bad part of your life is completely done with.

Good luck, I hope you find the strength to move on (I’m sure you will). Keep us updated x. 

Post # 16
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I had a very ugly, one-sided, cruel friendship end about a year ago, so to an extent, I understand where you’re coming from – though yours sounds worse. 

This is a key thing to remember:

With people THAT ugly, they’re eventually going to get theirs. I was the 3rd or 4th friend to walk away from my ex-friend…and given his personality, that’s only going to continue to happen as time marches on. 

It’s giving them enough rope to hang themselves without your interference, is what I’m saying. For me, it also helped to realize that even if I WAS wishing horrible things on this person (for me, that phase didn’t last long), I’d never get to see it and get any enjoyment out of it anyway, as crass as that sounds. 

I also just decided that if I ever saw them again and they spoke to me first, I’d kill them with kindness and act like my life is completely awesome – even if it’s not. It’s about not even giving them an iota of satisfaction about their behavior. Sometimes, living up to your very best ideal – if even only in appearances – is one way to knock them dead. It’s vengeance without the preoccupation on wishing harm.

 

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