Post # 1
So I’m 40 something, something and have been divorced for just about 5 years. I have a wonderful man in my life with two teenage boys and a horribly mean dog (Grr) I am a appitimy of a dog lover, you might say I was heading towards “crazy dog lady” status before I meant my SO. I “won” the house in the divorce and immediately cleaned it out of any reminders of my former life, including pretty much all of the furniture I couldn’t pawn off on my ex. Then room by room started tearing things apart that bothered me forever but the ex didn’t seem fit to care that things needed to be fixed/gutted.
Every year I do the repairs that I can afford and live with the rest, I’m just happy I see bits of progress being made and am willing to live with unfinished rooms with no furniture until I can afford to buy nice things.
Fast forward to two and a half years ago, Mr Wonderful pops into my life and the proposal is on it’s way. His current lease is up in August and needs a place for him, his two teenage boys and his mean dog….what does that tell you? He wants to come here and start our life together.
I’m a bit OCD (which for now he finds amusing) and need a plan in place to accomplish all of this. He, being Mr. oh so not OCD, thinks they can just simply move in and everything will fall into place. SERIOUSLY, guys don’t get it. I have one bed, one TV, my house almost never has food unless it’s homemade dog food, I have one finished bathroom and no real floors in much of the house. As I mentioned before I have no furniture other then that one bed, a small desk, one TV, a couple of bar stools and a couch that has been taken over by the dogs. But I do manage to have two or three dog beds in the livingroom and bedroom 🙂 (told you, crazy dog lady).
I kind of like living alone but know at some point we need to move forward in this relationship and this is part of it. I’m trying to put some kind of plan together of where people will sleep, what areas we can put together in a relatively short time and what we’ll do with the mean dog (that’s a whole other rant!!) I have to have things organized so I can put together a plan, furniture has to be purchased (he lease is partially furnished) and I need to get a couple of contractors in here to get some things finished (SO said he’d do these things but I know they won’t get done in my time frame).
Has anyone else had to deal with something like this and how did you handle the stress and organizing everything? As as side note, I have no biological children and was an only child, just the thought of living with three other people makes my heart race.
Post # 3
First of all: Yay Maine! I lived there for a few years and I LOVED it. Now to business: this is going to super hard for you. I was 42 when I met my now-husband. But I moved into his house and he had a super mean cat, who was just rotten. And I love dogs and cats in general, but this cat was a thorn in my side every day.
I’m really OCD about having everything really clean and organized and my Darling Husband is not. In short, you are the one who will have to suck it up and compromise the most. I have raised two boys so I at least went through the chaos of children but you have not so your adjustment will be more difficult.
You are going to have a baptism by fire getting used to this invasion. Maybe it would help to have someone to talk to while you are adjusting. At our age it’s really hard to change when you are used to living on your own with an orderly universe and then bringing a full-on circus into your space.
Lots of luck, try to let go and work on laying down some ground rules so you are not completely over-run and overwhelmed.
Post # 4
I’m pretty type a and don’t especially like other people messing with my stuff.
But if you love your family you have to figure out how to pick your battles. It’s the tradeoff of having them around.
If you don’t love the package deal — all four of them including the dog — enough to make it work, then you shouldn’t let them move in.
As a compromise you could suggest waiting a few years until the teenagers move out. Not sure how the mean dog factors in.
Is there a room that you can keep for yourself? Maybe throw a desk, a day bed, and a dog bed in there. It can be your respite when you need some time to yourself.
Post # 5
First of all I highly recommend you declare some space in the house as YOURS. You are going to be very frustrated when all these males move in (along with the mean dog) and they literally take over your house. They are also going to drive your OCD into overtime – in my experience men move in and instantaneously expect you to maintain the home, care for them, clean up their messes, etc. You will need to be firm in your expectations and what you are willing to compromise on. Now how do I know this? Because I come from a very similar background and have lived with 5 men during my adulthood and I know how it usually goes.
The mean dog has me concerned. Like WHY is he mean? I am not a crazy dog lady (I am a crazy cat lady!) but I have been involved in animal rescue long enough to know that dogs and cats are not born mean, they are made that way by their humans. I would be checking with a good animal communicator to try to get at the root of the problem. You don’t want this mean dog making your furbabies miserable.
Post # 6
Thanks guys for all of the great replies. Since my divorce the universe has put one challenge in front of me after another. I’ve survived floods, a small fire, and an ice storm with no power for 5 1/2 days (twice). So this challenge is just a blip on the radar as far as I’m concerned. If I put my mind to it, I can figure this out and adjust as I go.
I have plenty of bedrooms in this house to accomodate all of us, including a spare one for me and my gang. Although I had planned to make that just an office (current on is in the dining room) adding some nice seating space for me could make it my quiet room. I also have a nearly finished full basement that I’m adding a 1/2 bath to that’ll be the teenager space and work out area and mean dog area.
@KT808: It’s good to see a fellow rescuer on the board. I volunteer as a dog trainer (oh the irony) at my local shelter hence my five dogs. I did have an animal communicator try to work with this dog and she wasn’t as successful as I had hoped. The dog “didn’t like her (communicator) in her head (dog) and she kept shutting down. The dog says she doesn’t know why she reacts to certain stimulus (dogs, small animals) she just shuts down and blacks out. So that leaves me with relatively little to work with, training which i’ve learned that SO and the kids do not follow and some kind of potential medical intervention (i.e. possible epilepsy etc) which isn’t my call since she’s not my dog. This is our big loose end, she’ll have to live seperate from my dogs which I do have the room in the house for and outdoor space but is this really the best outcome for her?
She’s about four and my youngest is about six, that means potentially another 6 years-ish of living seperately
SO is still paying of some debt from his divorce and wants to move in to pay that off and save for a wedding (isn’t that what this board is all about??) So I understand why he wants to make this move now and not in 6 or 7 years from now and honestly I’d love to have someone around the house to help out with day to day stuff (just as long as I have my room with a lock on it 🙂
Well Bees, need to pay some attention to my babies tonight as I just got home from the shelter. Thanks again for listening to my rants.
Post # 7
Just make sure that having this man, his kids, and the mean dog move is is truly what you want for yourself and your life and your relationship. Because it sort of sounds to me like your Fiance is wanting to do this out of convenience. I’m NOT trying to be mean, I just felt like I needed to point that out. Don’t let other people convince you to do something that you’re not ok with or ready for just because it benefits them. 🙂