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I live in Houston, and my boyfriend is looking at a job in Dallas, which it gave/take 5 hours away from both our families. Since he wants to have a job and be settled before he proposes, that's we wouldn't be engaged before moving.
My problem is that I'm so weary of moving in with a boyfriend (even in the same city) because it's turned out badly in the past for me. Not to mention I don't want my friends/family to think I'm just a girl who just follows a guy wherever he goes because I'm needy or something.
I know that I want to be with my pre-fiance (lol..sounds better than boyfriend) forever, and he's a great guy who I know will always be there for me no matter what. But when he asked me if I would go with him if he got this job the other day, I hesitated and said "maybe". I really don't want to be far from my family (and his as well), but I know that getting this job would be a natural progression for our relationship.
Decisions, decisions..
I moved across the country for my husband twice. The first time before we got engaged and then a year and a half ago.
I moved from Chicago to MI about 4.5 hours to be with my then boyfriend, and now FI. I moved in Sept of this past year and her proposed in Nov. I moved because we were doing the long distance relationship and long story short one of us had to move to ulitmately make it work and financially, etc it made more sense for me since my job is mobile.
So I moved knowing that we both knew that the next step would be marriage, even though there was no ring on my finger at the time. Was I scared to move away from all my family, friends etc YES. But was it the best decission I ever made for myself HELL YES! But I know every one's situation is diff.
I hope everything works out for your sweetie.
@SecretBee23: My husband and I were LDR (long distance relationship) until the last 2 months before we got married.
1 - LDR is rough, but it can also make you (and your relationship) stronger if you are intentional about it. Don't let the fear of being apart in distance for a time push you into moving before you're ready.
2 - Yes, I moved to be with my husband. Halfway around the world (literally). Would I have moved if I didn't know 100% that we were getting married? No, not a chance. For us, that meant that we talked about and planned the move before there was a ring on my finger, because discussing the move was part of discussing marriage; but I didn't move until well after we were engaged. I moved to be with my husband, not to be with my fiance or boyfriend. Maybe that difference only makes sense in my own head, haha, but it was definitely a clear distinction for me.
I moved for my now DH when we were only dating a short time...it worked for me :)
It's partly dependent on the relationship - I'd have to already know I could live with the person - and partly on the place. I moved to California when my fiance started grad school, but I wouldn't move somewhere I really didn't want to live. We were not yet engaged when I moved, though... while thinking he was someone I wanted to spend my life with played into agreeing to move, being engaged was not a requirement for me.
i m moving to another country for mine, if you cant live with out them you move for them. His job is priority right now and mine will be after i finish my masters
I moved from Cincinnati to Nashville to be closer to my then-boyfriend, now-husband. I wouldn't do it unless you were both sure that the relationship was on its way to marriage. I wouldn't do it unless you got a job you liked in the same town. If you have a good attitude and a commitment to making it work and meeting new people, it will be fine.
Personally, I didn't move in with my BF/FI/DH until we were married. We bought a house together while we were engaged, and I spent weekends there, but I wanted to maintain a little separateness until we were married. That's just me though. If moving in together seems like a bad idea to you because of other bad experiences, know that you can still move across the state to be with a guy without moving in with him. You might both need to find different roommates to make ends meet, but it's doable.
It depends. If you are both moving at the same time, you will both be facing the same challanges. (Looking for jobs, exploring the city, trying to meet people you would like to know). You can expect that those challenges will arise.
Is there opportunity there for you, a reason for you to be there- so that you won't just feel stuck or bored? If you want to be together, it sounds like a natural progression (moving to a new place is a good thing and part of growing up), but make sure that there is something for you too- so that you don't end up resenting it.
I think it depends on what you do with your decision. If you move for him and then place your happiness on his shoulders, that's going to end in resentment. If you move because you love him and are up for living in a new place and take responsibility for your happiness, social life, job, and other opportunities, then it could turn out really great.
I moved to Australia from Chicago right after Kingy and I got engaged, I made the plans to do it before I knew he was going to propose. It has turned out really well but has been incredibly difficult to be away from my family. I left a career behind but have learned how to cook really well, how to take care of a household, and have found a different job that I love. However, we're moving to Chicago in 3 weeks! Then its Kingy's turn to start fresh!
The good thing with your situation is that the move wouldn't be THAT far away so if things didn't work out, there are still options for you. You said you're a bit scared of moving in together as it's turned out badly for you in the past - look at this then as a precursor to marriage. You say this is the man you think you want to spend your life with, if living together turns out badly, then at least you know now before getting married.
I moved halfway around the world for my fiance...literally. I'm from Chicago, he's from Australia - you can't really find two places farther apart than that! lol. It was the best decision I ever made and I couldn't be happier. We discussed all the options and decided that his career was going to take precedence over mine at this time, which dictated where we live (he's a civil engineer working for an awesome company, I'm a teacher and social worker - my job is definitely more flexible). Granted, when I moved over here, we were already engaged and I was (and still am) 100% confident in knowing that this the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
If you feel confident that this is a relationship that has the long term potential, then you have two options: one is to take a risk and move with him now. It will be a stressful time but if you guys get through that, you'll know your relationship is strong. Alternatively, keep the relationship going long distance for a while and see how things go. If your relationship is truly strong, you will make it through the LDR part until you're ready to be together.
Good luck!
@cbee: I don't think I would move there with him unless I was looking for jobs there well in advance. He would already have a job, so that would make it easier for me. That way I wouldn't be freaking out that we have no money or anything.
@LaurenK0105: I totally agree. I don't think either of us would have a problem making friends, and I think it would probably be a really fun new adventure to live somewhere else together. If I ever thought that this would end in resentment, I definitely would not be considering it..it's up to me whether I go or not, so I'm responsible for my happiness/decisions!
I moved to another state to be with my bf of 3 months. He is now my FH, and in a few months we are moving across country where I will be over 1000 miles away from anyone I know.
I did. My DH (FI at the time) lives in a different city from where we both grew up, and so I moved to be with him about 6 months before the wedding.
love makes people do crazy things. i moved across country and although it was not easy it's been worth it.
I'm applying for a PhD program across the country because my boyfriend wants to live there-- if we're at a point where I'm sure we'll be getting engaged, I'd move there before being engaged.
I've never done it, but it's a fairly good prediction that I will in the future.
I think it would depend on the situation, so I can't categorically say I would or wouldn't. I think if it was someone I was sure I would continue to be in a relationship with and it was good for the "team" I'd think about doing it. I'd definitely want to make sure it was a responsible decision.
Ie, my husband was looking at a position that would be about a $10,000/year pay increase. At that place, there would be a pretty low likelihood that I would be able to find a job that pays nearly as well as I get now, or be as enjoyable for me (think very small area with a general store and one restaurant). It would make sense to lose my salary to gain 10Gs.
I did it, and I have no regrets at all. We were not engaged yet when I moved. We were living in different cities and moved together to a third city for his new job. I found a job when we got there, it all worked out. We got engaged a few months after we moved in together. It worked out great for us, but it's not for everyone.
I guess it all depends on where you are in the relationship (and if you are talking about engagement, i'd say you are both on the same page >.<). With my FI living in the U.S and myself living in Canada, something has got to give. The tie breaker for me was citizenship. I can have dual citizenship-he can't. :)
I would, but I would probably live on my own for a bit in the new city. Then once you get engaged in the new city you can move in together!
My fiance was applying for school in Europe (we live in the States) before we got engaged. I didn't give an ultimatum, but I did have an expectation that it was a big commitment for me to give up my whole life here to move there with them, and that he had to have a similar level of commitment into the relationship (ie. engagement) for me to make the move.
He proposed a week before he found out if he was going to be accepted or not, because he wanted me to know he wanted to get married either way. But he did get accepted, we are doing an LDR until the wedding in July and then I'm moving.
My thought is that if he can't make the commitment official with an engagement, you shouldn't have to pick up your life and follow him. Why can't he propose? Why do you have to be the only one that makes a big commitment with the move?
@SecretBee23: I didn't read all the responses, but here's what I think:
"My problem is that I'm so weary of moving in with a boyfriend (even in the same city) because it's turned out badly in the past for me. Not to mention I don't want my friends/family to think I'm just a girl who just follows a guy wherever he goes because I'm needy or something."
In regards to this paragraph, I don't think it is fair for you to punish your current SO for something that happened in a previous relationship. I understand being cautious about the situations you put yourself in, but take into consideration that the man who has asked you to move with him is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with-- not an ex who treated you badly.
Secondly, I don't think it is wise to make relationship decisions based on what others might think. If your future happiness is potentially at stake, take only into consideration realistic advice from people you trust to truly have your best intentions at heart and what you and your SO think/ feel. Do not let other people's judgment dissuade you from making a decision for yourself.
I answered the poll other, because I would move for my FH/DH, and when we were BF/GF, I would have considered moving with him, but I would have had tons of questions, mostly importantly, "If all goes well and as planned, what is a timeline for engagement?" If you decide to move with him, you want to know where you stand. Obviously, if it doesn't work out the way you each thought it would, you'll go from there. But if it does work out well, you'll want to be on the same page.
Alternately, if you decide not to go, you'll want to have a realistic discussion. Where will that leave your relationship? Would you be willing to move in the future (even without being engaged)? Or would it take an engagement for you to move with him? So he would get a job, get settled, propose and then you would move up there? How long would you be willing to wait for that to happen? Etc. You want to be on the same page in this situation as well.
Regardless of your decision, I wish you luck! Please tell us what you decide!
how about a choice "I have done it in the past, and it turned out great"
Being engaged was a huge condition for me agreeing to relocate with FI... as in I was very plain about the fact that I would be happy to visit him, but would be making no official plans to move until there was a ring on my finger.
I've lived in central Ohio since I was 4, my parents are settled here and most of my friends as well. By this time next year, I will be living in Vancouver, British Columbia with FI - he moved there after getting his first job after finishing his PhD. He may not even still be there when I finish school (when I am going to move) and chances are we'll be moving around a bit for the next 5-10 years while he gets established in his career. I'm training to be a high school teacher, so I can get a job pretty much anywhere.
I'm not going to lie...the thought of leaving my hometown breaks my heart every day. I am not particularly attached to the town, but I love my people here. I know moving will be a great adventure, and I look forward to starting my life with FI, but thinking about not living in the same city (or state...or COUNTRY for that matter!) as my parents brings tears to my eyes without fail.
I know FI is worth it, and I am excited for everything the future holds for us...sometimes though it's hard to believe I'm not going to live here much longer.
Ok...gotta stop talking about this before I start crying! :)
I did it and it worked out great.
It's not for everyone though. My fiance and I became a LDR three months into dating. He graduated 1 year before I did and moved for a new, great job (i.e. pays much more than mine). After a year, I graduated and moved to his city. But circumstances made it easier: my profession allows me to find a job in any city and I would have had to move to a new city after graduation regardless.
I'm not going to lie, it was tough being in his city just based on our relationship. I gave myself a timeline. Not an ultimatum, but I definitely vocalized that I was trying this new city out for a year. And when my 1-year lease was up (we lived in diff apartments) I asked him why I should sign another lease, another commitment, when I didn't know his commitment to me. But we'd had at least 6 conversations about where the relationship was going and marriage, etc. So he proposed and we moved in together.
It was really hard for that first year to hear people say "you moved for a boyfriend?" and criticize me, but I would just reply that "not everyone is lucky enough to have their love living so close to them and I'm a gutsy girl and not afraid to take a chance." That usually shut them up. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe it wouldnt' work out and I'd just move back to my state. But at least I'd know.
So I say, plan it, discuss intentions ad nauseum, and then follow your heart!
There must be a ring on it first... and a car in the driveway.... and a roof over my head. We must be married.
I am a kiwi but I met my Dutch FI in Australia. His Visa ran out after we'd been together for 7 months and he was refused a new one. I moved back to New Zealand (something I swore I'd never do) with him so we could be together.
it depends on how serious your relationship is and if you feel you really truly have a future together.
I would move if I could find a job. If I couldn't find one by the time he moved out there then I would stay behind & continue looking.
i did for my current boyfriend. he is going to propose within a few months so i felt fine making the move to a different county. i wanted to just be where i'm gona wind up eventually, now. instead of waiting till later. and it was a pain to see him when we lived over an hour apart.
I kinda did very early in our relationship. Two months after DH and I started dating I had a decision to make. I was looking for a teaching job and had two offers in areas over an hour away from where DH was living. I decided to move in with DH and hope for a job, which I got at the 11th hour. It was such a scary decision at the time but so worth it :)
I put my house on the market to move with my now FI, a plane ride away. We were dating when the house went on the market and if it had sold quickly (ughhhh) I would have moved before being engaged. He also knew that i didn't really want to move with him unless I had the ring and a date.
I picked up my life and moved to the Netherlands to be with my then boyfriend (now husband) because I knew I'd be marrying him one day. In the end he moved back to the USA with me and we got married, but I would have gladly stayed had we not decided that we had better opportunities for us as a couple in the USA.
My SO did it after a year of dating. We lived about 2 hours away from eachother and decided to make the jump. He got a job closer to me and it worked out great.
Its not for everyone though. Every relationship is different.
Every relationship is a little different and the circumstances of to move or not to move is a little different.
My husband and I met in the city we are now which is also the city he grew up in. I moved back home after college for one year. During that year it was a huge turning point for our relationship. Me moving to be with him really solidified our relationship.
Not the act of moving but the reasoning and intention behind it if it makes any sense. And yes I'm being very vague. :D
I moved once when I was in my early 20s I moved from Vancouver to Victoria to be with my bf at the time. We actually ended up getting engaged and it was a fun experience, but the relationship quickly disolved. BUT I don't regret the move for a minute. I loved Victoria and quickly made great friends and dated a ton when I lived there.
With my current S.O I moved onto the Quebec side, after living in Ontario. It's only 20 mins drive across a bridge, and I still work in the same place and that kind of thing, but the move is huge because I moved from my modern gorgeous condo, right in the heart of the downtown core where I could walk to everything and was completely independant, to a house in the 'burbs where I have to walk to the bus or depend on him for a drive (I don't have a car 'cause I was a city girl up till now!). But completely worth it and I feel like this is the beginning of the next 'huge' chapter in my life.
I am planning to move clear across the country to be with my boyfriend next year. Once he graduates, and I actually find a job there. While I am HOPEFUL that he will purpose to me before hand, I am still going to make the move because I love him. When I'm with him, it's like there's magic in the air. Everything seems better. I feel happier, I feel alive when I'm with him. When I visited his hometown I felt like I was home. So I know that if we are still together next year then this is truly the right decision to make. I wish you the best of luck, and anyone else in this current situtation.
I voted that I would for my FI/DH but not my boyfriend even though I guess that's not really true. FI and I have been together for 6 years and if something would have came up that required him to move before we were engaged, I would have gone with him without hesitation. However, I would have expected a proposal relatively soon thereafter.
Were currently in the process of deciding if we want to move across the country after our wedding. We would be moving to grow FI's software company so technically I would be moving for him. I'll miss my family and friends but being with FI and growing our company is the most important thing.
I moved across the country for my FI, but we were engaged before I made that decision, and married when it happened. I definitely don't regret it at all, but the commitment of engagement/marriage was important. I don't know that I would take the same risk without the certainty of a ring on my finger.
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