Post # 1
Ok so, Fiance and I have been together for like 6 and a half years now and an issue that we had right at the start of our relationship has come back up again.
We currently live in the city, about 2 hours drive from his parents one way, and about the same to my parents the other way. We both grew up in the countryside near where his parents live now (mine moved away a few years ago). When we first got together Fiance mentioned that he wanted to move back to where we grew up “at some point” but then didn’t mention it again so I kinda thought he’d changed his mind, or that he just wanted to move out of the city and into the countryside, which I totally agree with.
Well, a few weeks ago he told me that when we have kids he really wants to raise them where we grew up, because he loves the area and it’s where his family have lived for generations, he just can’t see himself being anywhere else bringing up children. I can totally see where he’s coming from, but I have a few problems with it as a plan:
1 – It would mean we would be living a few minutes drive from his parents, and 4 hours from mine (I’m VERY close to my parents and grew up a long way from my grandparents, who I would have loved to see more of).
2 – The area is beautiful but it is very quiet, there are very few jobs / good schools etc and because we haven’t lived there for like 10 years we don’t really know many people who still live there.
3 – Although Fiance had a very happy childhood there I really didn’t – I was terribly bullied in the 2 schools I went to and although I know it probably would have been the same in any school, I have some very unhappy memories attached to the area.
I don’t know what to suggest, he will be devastated if I tell him I won’t move back there but I will be upset if we have kids and then take them away from my parents. I feel like there’s no way to compromise because we can’t move like halfway there – that won’t make either of us happy!
Any ideas Bees?
Post # 3
I think all your points are very valid in the way you have listed them – maybe just try saying it the way you just put it there. it is unfair for you to have make a big sacrifice so his kids can have an identical childhood to him – which, let’s face, won’t happen anyway. Life is different, things have changed and while it’s great he’s got so many fond memories, his kids can have equally fond memories in another place. Especially if they have a mom who is happy! that is way more important to a kid’s upbringing than living in one specific town.
Has he even tried to envision raising a family somewhere else? because it’s actually not that hard to do! My guy often says ‘but this is just what I had in mind’ because he really can’t think of another way of doing things until he actually sees it. maybe try visits out to potential towns where you could raise a family could set his mind at ease to see that it IS possible to live somewhere else and still give your kids a happy childhood.
it’s a shame you two didn’t discuss this more earlier, it sounds like he made his point and because you never brought it up again he assumed you agreed, and because he never mentioned it you assumed he’d changed his mind. My man and I are having a lot of these conversations lately so i totally understand…. but it’s good it’s coming up now anyway.
Post # 4
@londongal: We had a really good conversation last night and I told him exactly how I felt about it (like I did above) but his response was just to say “Oh damn, we both want different things, one of us will have to compromise”. We’re hoping to move out of the city into the countryside nearby in the next couple of years so maybe that will change his mind… I just don’t want to make him give up his dream, but then I don’t want to give up mine either… 🙁
Post # 5
@noodle4hd: oh, that does sound pretty black and white in his mind, doesn’t it! i think though, that surely his dream is to have a happy family. That should be more important to him than living in a certain place. and living in a certain place does NOT guarantee happiness – nothing does. However, having a happy wife and both sets of grandparents involved as much as possible seems to me to be a much more likely way of ensuring the entire family is happy. I think (this may be a bit mean so see what you think) that you should start suggesting to move 5 mins away from YOUR parents, and 4 hours away from his parents, and then see how he feels about living in the middle! I bet he’d like the idea a lot more then – and would appreciate how you are both compromising 🙂