Post # 1
I’ve been here before- wedding called off almost 3 years ago. Thank god! For all those who may be facing a broken engagement I can tell you it gets better!!!
After rushing into a rebound (who I moved in with after 10 months) that crashed and burned after a year and a half, I got my self some therapy, practiced some celebacy, and found the *perfect* man.
I could not be happier, have never felt like this, can’t imagine he isn’t the one… but it’s only been 4 months and he is talking about marriage… a lot. He first said, “I’m going to marry you” after about 2 months. He seems entirely convinced, but mentioned that it likely wouldn’t be for a couple years as we’re both in school (later in life, he is 34, I’m 31). Anyhow, I’m studying at a super demanding university, and we live about an hour’s subway ride apart. He asked about us living together when his lease is up (we will have been dating 7 months). I’m very hesitant to say yes, though I think it will happen at some point. He is still willing to move closer to me whether or not we live together. He couldn’t be more sweet and supportive, but it bothers me that I can’t seem to respond in kind. Obviously I am more cautious after having lived with 2 men who said they wanted to marry me but were entirely unprepared to. Those men also moved fast. Part of me wants to tell him I want to be engaged before moving in (I do), but I also fear that he’ll run out and buy a ring asap if I tell him that! Lol
Anyone been here before? As I said, he’s the one, I’m just cautious, but afraid that he is suffering the consequences of other men that have let me down. When do you all think is a good timeline for moving in together, and would you need a ring first?
Thanks for any input!
Post # 2
Establish that you want to be together for a while before you get engaged. Talking about a timeline is not a bad thing. Just as long as you leave him opportunity to surprise you (if you want to be surprised). And tell him it’s important to you that you be engaged before moving in together. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having that kind of conversation in your 30s. My fiance and I started talking about these things at about 2 months, and we make it a point to communicate. If he’s “the one” then you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him about anything. That’s my philosophy.
There’s no “good” timeline. My fiance and I just found that I was living with him within a week of dating. I was starting my job a few weeks after I met him, and one day, after having spent the night for about two weeks, I said “I basically live with you.” He corrected me and said “there’s no basically, you live with me,” and that was our conversation.
My parents were engaged after 3 months. I was engaged after 10. It’s really what makes sense for you and your fiance. What feels right. Don’t prescribe to some arbitrary timeline set by anyone else but you two.
Post # 3
My soon to be fiance also said these kind of things very early on almost 3 years later we are getting engaged very soon ( in 2 weeks!).
We moved in with each other about 3 months in , built a house at a year and half, and now are getting down to getting married. Was it fast? yes but we knew this was it.
If you feels the same way I don’t see a problem with it. I was with the wrong man for six years and broke up 2 months after getting engaged. This time I wasn’t going to waste anytime if I knew this was my future husband.
I also do not buy into that you need to have a ring before you live together if a man wants to marry you living together isn’t going to change that. Go with your gut its usually right about these things. Good Luck!
Post # 4
brainlover: Honestly, I don’t think there is one timeline that works for everybody. You need to do what you feel comfortable with won’t regret. If you are nervous about your SO moving in with you after only 7 months, then you should wait and have him move closer first. Maybe he could find a month to month lease or something so that he doesn’t have to commit to a full year if you decide you want to move in together before that. I’m not saying 7 months is too soon necessarily, my FI moved in with me after 6 months, but you have to be comfortable with that decision and not write off your feelings as just being cautious due to previous relationships.
I will say, that I have a similar story to you. I was with a guy for 6+ years (living together for 5+) who decided he just wasn’t ready or sure he wanted to marry me. So we were never engaged, but for all intents and purposes were very serious, shared finances, I moved across the country for him, etc. It’s a hard thing to get over and it’s hard to not let that affect your future relationships. I had a horrible 8ish month rebound (didn’t move in together thank god) and I met my FI shortly after that. From the very beginning we knew that this was it, he moved in after 6 months and we got engaged after just short of a year. But if felt right and I wasn’t nervous about it at all. You should be able to feel completely comfortable with your relationship decisions and not move faster than you are comfortable with.
Post # 5
Haha I loved what you said about the living with each other, we were the same way one day I came over and told him I needed to move out of my place and that I was going to live with him.He said kinda the same thing as your husband, he told me that I already kinda did live there lol
Post # 6
missanonybee53: Thanks for your reply! I can definitely talk to him about it, and told him about my concerns when he asked last month. We decided to revist the idea in November. I’m just having a hard time finding peace with either option. If I move in with him I fear it will cut short the dating experince, which has been wonderful. If I don’t until we’re engaged it could lead to either a rushed engagement (because I think he would marry me tomorrow if I agreed). I would love to live with him but because I do think we have the rest of our lives, I just want to do things in the smartest way possible. And I hate being the one to call the shots!
Post # 7
I agree with PPs, there’s no right timeline for everyone. But what matters is what feels right to you, and I think it’s good that you’re being cautious. I moved in with my husband before we got engaged and don’t regret that at all. You just gotta do what feels right to you!
Post # 8
Every relationship moves to the beat of a different drum. Some beats are too fast for some people, while others are much too slow. <br /><br />My husband told me he loved me on our second day of dating. He mentioned he wanted to wife me within a week. In three months I moved 1,200 miles (from any family or friend I ever knew) to live with him in a state I had only visited once. We were married five months later. This december will be our two year wedding anniversary.<br /><br />What matters the most is if you feel you’re in the proper place to do these things, not so much that it is happening quickly.
Post # 9
I think as long as you both know that you want to wait awhile, it’s not a huge deal. He obviously loves you and knows he wants to be with you, and you seem to feel the way. You can have these feelings and it’s perfectly fine! Wait until you are ready and when the time comes, you’ll know it.
My fiance said similiar things to me, although we had dated a year [online] before meeting. He said when he met me he knew he’d marry me. 4 years later we are still together, and getting married in 30some days!
Post # 10
brainlover: I had an ex like this, our relationship lasted a while but crashed and burned in the end. My current relationship however, started off at 90 miles an hour and we’re now happily married with a child. So you have to determine your own timeline on what works for you.
Post # 11
brainlover: Thanks to everyone for sharing! I think my real problem is being a control freak and feeling that there must be a “best” or “right” decision, though it’s becoming more and more clear from hearing from you all that that is simply not the case. I’m going to try to get more in touch with my real feelings about the pace- I just need the perfectionist in me to chill!
Post # 12
brainlover: I don’t have much advice to offer, but I wanted to give you a kindred story that might make you feel a little better. My parents got married a little later in life, in fact, all their siblings were married before them and they each had 3 siblings.
My dad worked a lot and didn’t have time for a relationship between school and his career, and my mother couldn’t seem to find the right guy after breaking up with her boyfriend of 7 years. She went out with some friends, asked the bartender for change (who happened to be my father) and that’s when it started.
They lived together, and got engaged in under 6 months of dating! They said they just knew it felt right. They were happy, they were sure, and they had the support of their friends and families. The thing that they stressed to me was to always have a full discussion with your partner if you’re even thinking about marriage. They have been married for almost 30 years.
All in all, allow yourself to be happy. Make sure you know what each other wants. Maybe come up with a list of goals or a timeline you’d like to complete before getting engaged. Never stop working on yourselves and the relationship. My parents have wonderful communication and were always on the same page of goals. If anyone knows my mother, they know she’s very vocal about anything and everything 😉
I hope everything works out for you! 🙂
Post # 13
It’s a hard question to figure out, some people move at lightening speed and it works out wonderfully, while it’s a terrible decision for others. It all depends on the individuals in the relationship. From the sound of it, talking about marriage at 2 months isn’t horrendous or too quickly. It’s not an out-and-out proposal yet, and being older means less time to waste on those you can’t see a future with and more experience to help make that decision.
Also, just to answer your question, I’m waiting for engagement to move in. It’s too make sure we feel really invested in our living space and also not give my mom and dad complete heart attacks haha.
Good luck and I hope it works out!
Post # 14
brainlover: I suggest taking it one day at a time. You don’t NEED to be engaged before moving in, and since he’s already been saying he wants to marry you, I don’t think you need to rush it.
My relationship is extremely similar to yours. I was very cautious and stubborn at the beginning of our relationship. But after 1 week, he said he was going to marry me, after 3 weeks we told each other “I love you,” and after about 2 months we were already talking about moving in together – and we moved in together after about 6.5 months. We’re now 21 months into our relationship, *almost* engaged (I think it may be happening this week), and booking our venue for our wedding for next fall by Monday.
If it’s right, it’s right. I just don’t suggest purposely rushing anything (like an engagement). For us, moving in together made sense financially (because we had spent the night together every night anyways), and because my lease was up, and the only other leases in the area I would rent were for 1-year… no less.
Best of luck!