Post # 1
So we are getting ready to address invites. My parents are sticking with the traditional Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. It seems so old fashioned to me and after I get married I don’t want to be addressed this way.
What are options for how to address my married friends? Is anyone else doing something different for their married friends or sticking with tradition?
Post # 3
I also did not want to stick to formal tradition, because our wedding was a little more laid-back and we wanted to set the tone from the get-go. Plus, most people are not up on formal etiquette anyway, it’s only during wedding planning when we pay attention to it, and it’s usually only the bride that’s aware of it!
We addressed married couples with both of their first names on the envelope: Jane & John Smith. That way, the wife’s identity is acknowledged and she’s not just her husband’s wife.
Post # 4
You can also do it: Ms. Jane and Mr. John Smith if you want it to be more formal but don’t want to go with Mr. and Mrs. I am with you guys. I do NOT like to be refered to as Mr. and Mrs. and refuse to address anyone in that manner.
Post # 5
Yep! I’m not doing the Mr. and Mrs. His Name either! I also don’t like it either! Why does the lady get her names dropped!? I’m not some raggin’ fem. but still! I like to see both names too! So I wrote:
Women and Man Last Name for all the married people! My mom wasnt’ happy about it, but hey, it’s my wedding!
Also, when my FI’s mom gave me her list of people she would like to invite…it had all Mr and Mrs….I had to go back and ask her what the womens names were! She was ok with it actually!
I think you can do whatever you want these days! Some old fashion people might be surprised..but who cares..they also might like to see their name this time around too!
Post # 6
We were announced as "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst LastName".
Post # 7
Don’t mean to quibble but it should really be Mrs. & Mr. John Smith. But I like how you guys used both the wife’s and husband’s first name. Just a subquestion, what about those wives that did not change their last name? E.g. Wife MaidenName & Husband LastName or just Wife & Husband LastName?
Post # 8
I do not use Mrs when I’m refering to people and I do not use it in reference to myself. Granted I’m a pretty raging feminist, but still. My feeling and the reason I chose to use Ms. is that it’s not fair that women have to declare if they are married or not when men are not required to do the same. The Miss vs. Mrs. dates back to a time when women were property. The designation informed a person of whether this woman was property of her father or her husband and therefore which man you should talk to if you had a problem with her. (Now grated I understand why we use it here for the bees and i have no problem with that.) I do not like to be identified by my marital status (especially if my husband does not have to do the same) and therefore do not like to do that to others. I’ve gone by Ms. for a long time and continue to do so now that I am married.
Regarding your subquestion: if a woman has decided to not change her name then most likely she is going to find it very offensive to be refered to as Wife & Husband LastName because that implies that they have the same last name. If you wanted to make it formal and you knew that she had not changed her name then I would go with Ms. (if she hasn’t changed her name then most likely she is going to consider herself a Ms.) Wife MaidenName and Mr. Husband LastName.
Post # 9
I am a pretty raging feminist as well, but we took our guests’ feelings into consideration, and did all kinds of things when addressing the invites.
For our friends, we addressed the invites as Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe. But for some of my parents’ friends, and definitely my grandparents’ generation, they got the more traditional wording. These folks would be just as offended by me not using the traditional wording as I would by someone using it. For those who did not change their names, they were addressed as Jane Smith and John Doe (names go on the same line).
The way I look at it is I am not going to change someone’s mind on gender politics if they are already 70+, and formal ettiquette is designed to make people comfortable. So I went with what would make them most comfortable.
Post # 10
I don’t want to be referred to as Mrs. Hisname either, so I’m contemplating doing Mr. & Mrs. Lastname on the outer envelope and then first names on the inner envelope, but I’m looking for other options as well.
Post # 11
Just to clarify, we are keeping to tradition for all my parents friends & family (as I think they would prefer) but I think our generation is different so thank you all for the great suggestions!!
Post # 12
That was one of things I’m most adament about, I do NOT want to be Mr and Mrs. His Name. Mainly because FI’s divorced and there’s already BEEN a Mr and Mrs His Name, and it didn’t work out so great. I’m going to go with Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst & HerFirst Last Name when addressing envelopes, wth the kids name on the next line, if applicable. This is also how I have both of our parents listed on our invitation and my mom hates it but I vetoed her. It helped with FI’s mom said that she didn’t mind it. I’m not super nazi feminist but this is one of the things that drives me nuts – women don’t lose their identity when they get married. Well, some do, but not this one! 🙂
Post # 13
Modern etiquette actually says you should call people what they want to be called. For all of you who aren’t changing your name, you don’t like it when you get an invite addressed incorrectly, right? So if someone WANTS to be called Mr. and Mrs. XYZ, how do you think they feel when you change that just because you think it is old fashioned? So I would encourage you to find out what tour guests actually prefer, or at least guess honestly.
LisaL, where did you hear that Mrs. should go first? Ive never heard that, and I thought I was pretty well versed in etiquette, but I could have missed something…
Post # 14
I guess I’m more traditional because I like the thought of being addressed as Mr. & Mrs. His First Name Last Name. I am taking my FI’s last name, and when I’m married, I figure it will be pretty rare to get anything addressed to the both of us (probably just wedding invitations or more formal parties), so I think it would be nice to be addressed as such.
Post # 15
Seconding blushingaudrey’s question… I thought that the woman’s name only went first if you are listing out full names, i.e. Jane Doe and John Smith.
Post # 16
I agree with blushingaudrey – call people what you think THEY would want to be called, not what "etiquette" says.
I really don’t believe a lot of things that etiquette says. My main concern is how I feel and how I feel my guests would feel – so I would throw etiquette out the window 🙂
As an additional note – just b/c a couple is older doesn’t mean they will prefer the Mr. & Mr. John Doe option. My mom would lose her mind if she was addressed like that.
I would probably err on the side of caution and at the most formal use Mr. & Mr. Doe (or Mr. & Mrs. John & Jane Doe – if you really wanted to include first names).