Post # 1
So, we’ve been having serious name changing issues and I guess what I’m wondering…
If we don’t have the same last name then what are we introduced as for our grand entrance? I mean we wont me Mr and Mrs PM we’ll be MR M and MRS P? Doesn’t sound right.
Also, in case you have no idea what I’m getting at, we had decided to both compromise and both hyphenate and then FI dropped the bomb that he won’t so either I’ll be MRS PM and He’ll be MR M or, We’ll be totally different.
I find that this is a huge issue of contention for us. For me I REALLY felt it was a uniting/partner/team/accepting eachothers families kind of thing, so ti was a big deal and important to me to be able to sign things Mr & Mrs P-M, and I’m so …irritated. Especially since we had ordered return addy labels saying Mr & Mrs P-M…. I mean he was SO into it (he was designing a family crest for crying out loud).
SO: do you think it is okay for me to (as another compromise) ask him if we can at least SOCIALLY be Mr & Mrs. P-M and then just legally keep our own (or I might legally hyphenate) so on cards/invites/our answering machine it says mr & mrs p-m but then all our legal crap (credit cards, passports, license etc) stay our own?
Post # 3
Technically, you are Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName ….
But, for the grand entrance, what about just having them say: introducing, for the first time as husband and wife: HisFirstName + YourFirstName
Have you thought about not hyphenating and just keeping your maiden name?
That way you could be “The P M Family”
Edit to add: on our Christmas cards this year, I put “The HisLastName Family” even though I know it’s going to confuse the heck out of people! I consider it to be that way, even though I kept my maiden name (mostly because if we were to have kids, they wouuld get his last name instead of both of our last names). Our return lables are: MyFirstName MyLastName + HisFirstNme HisLastName
Post # 4
i agree with pp.
“introducing, for the first time as husband and wife: HisFirstName + YourFirstName”
Post # 5
@oracle: Technically, you are Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName ….
Post # 6
@vorpalette: I mean that from someone keeping their maiden name and marrying. For ease of explaination – Let’s use John Smith and Jane Doe as names. I thought I’d be: Mrs. Jane Doe… but, I’m not. I’m Mrs. John Smith and Ms. Jane Doe.
Post # 7
@oracle: woah I didn’t know that. and I like that even less.
If I keep my maiden name (which is an option) our kids will hyphenate. or at least that is what he says now….
I donno I just.. ugg I don’t like his last name alone, my last name is just as important, dammit! 🙁 this whole situation has me really pissy.
Post # 8
@oracle: Weird! Learn something new every day.
Post # 9
@vorpalette: Traditionally, if you use your maiden name after marriage you are not addressed as “Mrs”.
For instance, you can be Mrs. HisLastName or Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName, but you are actually Ms. YourLastName, and even Ms. YourFirstName HisLastName. Traditionally you are only a “Mrs.” when you completely use his name.
From Wikipedia:Mrs. was most often used by women when married, in conjunction with her husband’s first and last names (e.g., Mrs. John Smith). A widow was and still is addressed with the same title as when she was married. Mrs. was rarely used before a woman’s first name, maiden name, or before a hyphenated surname her husband was not using. For example, Mrs. Jane Miller (wife of John Smith), Mrs. Jane Smith, or Mrs. Jane Miller-Smith were considered incorrect by many etiquette writers
Typically, no one really cares about this anymore though.
Post # 10
@DeathByDesign: That’s really gross. This is why I hate etiquette related to names. So sexist.
Post # 11
I presume you’ve considered the option of moving your maiden name to your middle name, and taking his last name?
Many of us chose to do that, and it’s the formal, traditional manner in which women in the U.S. have changed their names througout the years, even though very few of my own friends (most of whom married between the mid 1980s and the mid 1990s) chose to do this.
The reason I personally LOVE this option is that it preserves your current identity, while allowing you and your DH to share the same last name. You can choose whenever and wherever to use your maiden name as part of your name.
For example, if Ms. Jane Marie Smith marries Mr. John Doe, and changes her name in the above manner, Jane then properly may be referred to in all of the following ways:
Jane Smith Doe
Jane S. Doe
Ms. Jane Smith Doe
Ms. Jane S. Doe
Ms. Jane Doe
or Mrs. John Doe
Post # 12
@vorpalette: +1 I don’t buy into all of that book of ettiquete bs. Obviously, that’s not what OP is like, either…
Post # 13
“If we don’t have the same last name then what are we introduced as for our grand entrance? I mean we wont me Mr and Mrs PM we’ll be MR M and MRS P? Doesn’t sound right.”
I would go by what you want to be known as socially, because this will set the stage for the rest of your life!
If you want to be Mr. M and Ms. P then say it that way. I agree, Mrs. does not go with your last name. It’s Ms.
if you don’t want to be making such a point about it to your guests, just go by Firstname + Lastname. People will probably assume you’re Mrs. Hislastname. That is up to you if you are OK with it. If not, then go with Mr. M and Ms. P route for the intro.
Post # 14
@mayflowerbride13: If your kids will take P-M as their last name, then I see no reason why you couldn’t have it and your husband just keep M. You’d be “The P-M Family” though… does FI have a problem with that? That Mrs. rule threw me too! I thought I was Mrs. regardless of my name, and found out about it AFTER being married! Not sure that would have changed my mind about how the name things worked out – but it would have been nice to know before! FWIW, I’d want to have the same last name as my kids – so, even if your husband doesn’t add your last name, at least you and your kids would all share the same last name!
Post # 15
@oracle: I don’t think he’d want to be the p-m family. becuase he is a stubborn ass.
and wait, soooo unless we have the same last name, I’m not a Mrs.? horse shit!
Post # 16
@mayflowerbride13: I know that a number of bees vehemently disagree with this idea, but I just wanted to post the following link to a Miss Manners’ column that may help to explain the reasoning behind this thinking.