Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan (and Backup Plan!) for getting engaged

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Member
5018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

Mr. Bee you are the master. Is this an excerpt from your new book? hehe :)

Edit: I just sent a copy of this to my gf!! I can see it turning into a new chain letter in our circle of friends lol.

Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Mr. Bee this rocks! Like Recessionista I’m going to be forwarding a link of this to friends – very, very good advice.

Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can’t believe you took the time to write all this out.  It is great advice and I agree that it will work in most cases.  Thanks for taking the time to write.

Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee
  • tea
  • 5 years ago

mr bee, you are simply amazing! thanks for the guide. i’m sure it will be very popular around these parts!

Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I LIVED the Back Up Plan.  And suddenly I was engaged long before I thought he would catch on!  Excellent advice!

Member
2612 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

The Weddingbee boards, and especially this post, have been a huge wakeup call to me how incredibly lucky I and most of my friends are to have men who are as crazy into commitment as we are. I wish the best of luck to the rest of you, and I’m sure they’ll all come around!

Member
538 posts
Busy bee

Oh my! Mr Bee you are AMAZING I can totally see this becoming legend and doing the rounds like engagement chicken! It’s all common sense but it’s great to have it all written out like that and confirmed by a man! I had been trying not to bring engagements up but now I think my new year resolution is just to follow the 3-step plan :D if me and SO didn’t live together I would print this out and put it on the fridge haha

Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

We had been together for 3 years when I got really good and antsy about the ring.  I was going to law school in Orange County and spending every weekend with him in San Diego, where he still lives and works. 

We’d had the engagement talk a few times, but mostly in an unproductive way.  It usually consisted of me whining about what a pain it was to commute every weekend and how I wanted “something to show” for my efforts.  He’d get frustrated.  It didn’t help that I think I tended to bring it up when I was already stressed out by school, stuck in traffic on my way to see him, or missing out on something or other in Orange County so I could get to San Diego.  We’d end up fighting and not getting any closer to what I wanted.

I finally decided I was sick of the same conversation, the same argument.  I was graduating, taking the Bar, and was going to need to get a job.  I decided I wasn’t going to talk about engagement anymore.  I didn’t tell him I came to this decision, I just decided that I was gonna let him make up his own mind and that in the meantime, I was going to work on the stuff in my life that needed work, other than my relationship.  I set a timeframe, but again, I didn’t tell him.  I just moved on with my life with no consideration for whether he was going to be a part of it. 

I studied. I made more plans with friends.  I looked for jobs both in Orange County and San Diego.  (I did make sure I let him know I was doing this.)  Like you said, Mr. Bee, I got really self-focused.  It helped that I sort of had to be, since I was about to study for the bar exam. 

It also helped to really, deep-down accept that I couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do.  Even if I talked, cajoled, begged, bullied him into giving me a ring, that was hardly the set up for a happy and fulfilling marriage.  I might get the ring, but I don’t think you can hold a man that doesn’t really want to be held.  The other thing was, I didn’t want him to propose because I made him do it.  I really did want him to come to his own realization that he wanted to be with me.  I really think that acceptance was an important part of the equation. 

Anyway, the end of this rambling story is that I instituted the back-up plan in March and was proposed to in May.  I think once he realized that I was perfectly capable of carrying on without him, he decided he better hurry up and figure out whether he was coming along with me or not.  So again, I think the advice you gave is spot-on.

Member
355 posts
Helper bee

Thank you so much for sharing this Mr. Bee, from all of us here on “waiting”! :)

One possible scenario I was thinking of while reading The Backup Plan is that if I implement that and my BF goes, “oh well she’s got a lot going in her life right now / maybe she doesn’t care THAT much about our relationship after all” and bails? After all, this is commiment phobes we’re talking about, any excuse will do.

Could you please also let us know possible warning signs when The Plan might be backfiring instead of working smoothly?

Member
3006 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Mr Bee you are da bomb! Seriously, that’s some great stuff you wrote up there.

Member
9008 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • ddw
  • 5 years ago

LOVE it MrBee!

Member
3143 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

This is awesome Mr. Bee!!!

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