(Closed) Mr. Is All Fluff

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2648 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

((Hugs)) To clarify…is he 100% or NOT 100% on board with the counseling idea? I wasn’t sure because the sentence sounds like it’s missing a “not”. I’m familiar with this kind of behavior, and I’m sorry to tell you that it isn’t going to get better without active therapy. It’s annoying behavior to have someone deflect criticism and productive conversation by using the “woe is me” defense. The bonus is that it makes YOU feel badly, too. He needs to be able to man up and have this conversation with you without turning into a whiny baby. If that’s too hard to do on your own, therapy therapy therapy. A therapist isn’t emotionally invested in him and will call him out on this bs.

Post # 5
Member
4245 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

“He starts talking about how he’s a bad person, he can’t do anything right, how I’m going to leave him, and I end up spending all my energy trying to convince him that none of that is true. In the end nothing is solved and we are both upset….”

DH has depression, and when if flares up, you are describing him perfectly. I can’t diagnose your guy, of course, but when someone’s depressed, they often don’t feel the urge to “fix” themselves (for lack of a better word). I know you said he’s not 100% on board with counseling, but if you set up a couple’s appointment, would he at least go with you? It takes the pressure of him to make a decision about counseling (you decide for him) and then the therapist can either help with the way you as a couple handle these issues or suggest that he get help, if needed.

Post # 6
Member
6209 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@HisMoon:  +1. why is there so much disappointment? Does he just keep making promises he can’t keep?

Post # 7
Member
3555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My FI used to do the exact same thing “He starts talking about how he’s a bad person, he can’t do anything right, how I’m going to leave him”. He has some major self esteem issues.

FI is a huge people pleaser and will bend over backwards to accomodate people, even when they don’t deserve it. One of his friends backed out and changed plans on us 4 times in a week when we were only visiting home for 2 days. His attempts to accomodate her resulted in only seeing my grandmother for 2 hours and not seeing her (his friend) at all, just a lot of pointless running around. After that I put my foot down. There is a point where you just have to say I’m sorry we won’t be able to see you, try to catch you next time.

We’ve rehashed the I love you, I’m not going to leave you, do you think I’m dumb enough to be with someone who doesn’t deserve me conversation so many times that I’ve pretty much gotten it through his skull. At this point when he goes into pity party mode I rather bluntly tell him to ‘shut up, he knows that’s not true.’ He’ll be a bit peeved at me for about 10 minutes, and then he thanks me and tells me he needed the kick in the butt.

If I were you I’d have some conversations about setting boundaries on friendships and prioritizing your relationship. I’d also call him out on his pity party, because having the same conversation over and over again is not constructive. It’s time to change the dialog.

Post # 10
Member
2648 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Miller2McDonald:  It could be depression or some passive aggressive tendancies. I also suffer from depression, and my ExH is highly passive aggressive. While I sympathize with the really low self-esteem that can cause such thought patterns, your SO is also behaving like my ExH when faced with tasks and criticisms. One key difference is that other people pleasers will do everything in their power to actually do what they promised to do. Passive aggressive folks will tell you what you want to hear but then not deliver. These, of course, are generalized statements and not meant to diagnose your SO, but it’s something to keep in mind. Oh yeah…my ExH refused to go to therapy as well until it was way too late to save us. 

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