Weddingbee boards

Traditionally "Mrs." was used for a married woman only with the husband's name, and only if the woman had changed her name on marriage.  Thus, if Sally Smith married Bob Jones, she was known as "Mrs. Bob Jones" if she changed her name on marriage, and "Miss Sally Smith" if she did not.  "Mrs. Sally Jones" would indicate that she was divorced.

Applying this to a lesbian couple would be a total headache.  It would mean that they would be "Miss and Mrs. Jane Smith" (assuming that it was Sue who changed her name).  I have yet to meet a lesbian couple who would go for this version.

The rule that same-sex couples should be listed alphabetically by last name was developed before there were same-sex marriages.  It is comparable to the rule for unmarried straight couples who live together, or married couples with different last names, who also have their names on separate lines.  However, if a same-sex couple is married and one of them has changed her name, this doesn't seem like an appropriate formula, either.

Personally, if I did not know how they wanted to be addressed, I would address them as "Mses. Jane and Sue Smith."  Ms. is appropriate for any woman, married or not.  Using the plural form and putting their names on the same line recognizes their relationship.

Asking them how they want to be addressed is probably the best solution.  While I still cringe at addressing a married woman (straight or lesbian) as "Mrs. Jane Smith" (because I am old enough to remember that such a title is correctly applied only to a divorcee), I think that the way my friends want to be addressed trumps the theoretically correct form.