Mrs. John Smith? Eff that!

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Are you okay with being Mr. John Smith?
    Yes : (64 votes)
    34 %
    Whatever : (31 votes)
    16 %
    No : (62 votes)
    33 %
    I don't even want to be Mrs. Jane Smith : (29 votes)
    15 %
    Obligatory Other : (2 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    3016 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    I’m taking my FI’s name, but I will never be a Mrs. 

    I am a MS. all the way. I am Ms. Jane Smith (if you will). Period.

    Post # 3
    Member
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I wouldn’t care if I was Mrs. Alex Lastname, but I’m not addressing invitations that way

    Post # 4
    Member
    2166 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    prahajess:  +1  Exactly.

    I took my husband’s last name and was excited to do so, but I hate being addressed as Mrs. His full name.  I still get to be my own person even with his last name.  When I addressed my invitations I said screw it to etiquette and made sure that every couple had both first names written out, ie. Ms. Jane and Mr. John Smith.  I didn’t care if it was technically wrong, but I wanted both parties fully recognized.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    3280 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’m addressing them Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. I don’t see any problem with it and I would be totally happy being Mrs. John Smith! 

    Post # 6
    Member
    7098 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Doesn’t bother me either way.

    Post # 7
    Member
    588 posts
    Busy bee

    I didn’t address mine as Mr. & Mrs. John Smith because I know enough Jane Smiths/Jane Their-Original-Last-Names that would be offended. I’m not Mrs. My-Husband’s-Full-Name, I’m me. It strikes me too much as a ‘the wife is entirely defined by her husband’ for my taste. It might have been the appropriate thing to do 50 years ago, but now I actually think it would be the inappropriate thing to do.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3016 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    Audrey2_sings:  I don’t see how it’s “technically wrong” to address envelopes to both people. It’s just “traditional” to do it the other way.

    Life moves on, and so does etiquette. At least it SHOULD, since the whole point of it is to be polite and make people around you feel comfortable. If someone who knew better addressed mail to me at Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I’d consider that person HIGHLY rude.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2169 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Agree! And some etiquette stuff is just so stuffy. DH’s cousin, only a few months older than us, threw a fit that I addressed their invite “Mary and Peter” not “Peter and Mary” … (Names obviously anonymised). It was nice to see MIL stick up for me and say they were being pretentious. Hah!

    Post # 10
    Member
    2576 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    ladyamalthea:  I hear you. When I did my invites, I only addressed the older couples in that “traditional manner” as many of those couples were devout Catholic and rather old school. All invitees around our age, I did Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith only if I was sure that the woman changed her name. Otherwise, I just used both full names. My friends who got married are their own identities – not just an extension of their husbands. :/

    Post # 11
    Member
    439 posts
    Helper bee

    I addressed mine as “John and Jane Smith” to avoid that same issue! It wasn’t a particularly formal wedding. If I’d really wanted to include titles I would have done it as “Mr John and Ms Jane Smith” (with variations).

    It’s not just an issue with younger generations. My mother is 63, and fairly conservative by most metrics, and yet she DESPISES “Mrs Fathersname Lastname”. She’d never tell anyone off, or refuse to attend someone’s event, or anything like that, but it does bother her when she’s addressed that way.

    The way I see it, she has a right to feel that it’s demeaning. That doesn’t mean it’s demeaning or inappropriate for every woman out there, but she has a right to feel that way for herself. And there are enough women that *DO* feel that way, that it seems to me that addressing invitations that way by default is a bit risky.

    Post # 12
    Member
    439 posts
    Helper bee

    goingtotherooftopoflove:  “Agree! And some etiquette stuff is just so stuffy. DH’s cousin, only a few months older than us, threw a fit that I addressed their invite “Mary and Peter” not “Peter and Mary” … (Names obviously anonymised). It was nice to see MIL stick up for me and say they were being pretentious. Hah!”

    I think she’s also just plain wrong – I’ve always been told that in all cases where you *aren’t* doing “mr & mrs” that the lady’s name goes first. Not that I think it matters either way.

    Post # 13
    Member
    4831 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    ladyamalthea:  I agree, that’s kinda old school. When I’ve mailed stuff to my parents I always write: Bob and Betty Jones. Or The Jones’. Now, my mom on the other hand, would do the old timey way when she sent stuff to me (when I was married before). Aaiiee.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2205 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I personally don’t care, but that’s just me.

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