Post # 1
Okay so yesterday my husband decided he no longer wants to be married. One month ago we sat down and told each other why we aren’t happy, he said he’s happy to try for 6 months and if we can’t improve things that we would see a counsellor and go from there.
He moved all our sons nursery furniture into our master bedroom where I sleep and is sleeping in our sons room. He seems so sure that this is what he wants, he called his mum who is very disappointed in both of us 🙁
I just told him tonight that I feel like he didn’t try and gave up on us. We haven’t been fighting, but he said we’re just like friends who live together. He just sits on facebook and barelt interatcs with me. He was still being all lovey and hugging, kissing and cuddling me prior to yesterday.
As sad as I may sound, I asked him to give us one last try and go to counselling like he suggested a month ago, but he flat out refused. He then said that maybe spending time apart will help, but I can’t help but feel that he said that to stop me crying.
We were so in love and adored each other. Now I sit here and wonder how on earth the beautiful relationship we had could turn into this. I can see and understand why we could divorce, but I think we need to actually try as he’s barely tried for a day in the last month.
He is very stubborn and selfish so I can’t see me changing his mind. I know I will be okay if it ends, which I have prepared myself in thinking that is the way it is going to end up, but we”ve been married for 16 months!!! and have a 4 month old baby boy. We’ve been together over 5 years, and I’m not prepared to throw it all away without trying counselling, unless of course he refuses to try as I cannot control him.
What would you do? I’m happy to answer questions to help anyone better understand the situation. We have 4 months left in our house and I think that’s my last chance to do something.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry this is happening to yOu!!
The problem is if he doesn’t want to try unfortunately you can’t make him. I do think he should give it longer and work harder to fix your relationship. Sometimes being apart does put things into perspective and he will realise what he has lost and return.
Maybe help him remember why u fell in love in the first place- cook a lovely meal and dress up , put nice music on so he is surprised when he gets home from work etc.
good luck, I hope it works out the way you are happy with
Post # 4
I just saw your update in your other message. My goodness you are having a difficult time. When you talked about the things that were making you unhappy, were they things that were fixable?
As nearlymarriedlass suggested, you could try to have a romantic style night, with music and good food. Maybe you could have some wine, or a meal that meant something to you in the past.
Business pressures make things difficult. Having a new baby can strain a relationship. I really hopes it works out for you.
Post # 5
I know I’m not married, but have you heard of the 180? My friend says it saved her marriage, and, even if it hadn’t, made her a stronger person more ready to be on her own. You have a baby, which is hard on any marriage! I believe he shouldn’t walk away just yet, but the thing is making him see that.
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis’s divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
Post # 6
My first thought was “did he find someone else?”
Im sorry you are going through this!!
Post # 7
I am so sorry you are going through this. My thought when you said he went from wanting to work on stuff to just wanting to give up and get out is that there is something bigger going on that you may not know about. Maybe sometime during the past month he met someone? I hope that is not the case and that you are able to work things out but if he refuses work on the marraige it will not last.
Post # 8
@Jamieg: this was my first thought too.
@MrsConfused: i am so sorry you are going through this. your dh’s actions are very much like one who has already planned to move on. honestly, as harsh as this sounds, i wouldn’t be surprised if there was someone else. there is something or someone provoking him to pursue this divorce without even trying. it doesn’t make sense. this is very sudden.
how was the relationship prior to marriage and prior to the new baby?
just stay strong. you can do this. focus on the things that you can control, not the things that you can’t. take your dh out of the picture and ask yourself where you see yourself; what do you want and need to accomplish to move forward?
the two of you will need to sit down and discuss logistics. you may even want someone to take the baby for a few hours so that the two of you have zero distractions.
good luck. we are all here for you.
Post # 9
@MrsConfused: this is so sad.It seems your husband has already given up,the move into the baby’s room is quite a big jump IMO.
I did go and read your othr thread as PP mentioned one.Seems to me its his way of ”running away” from the stresses of business problems and maybe even fatherhood on top
I think its quite shitty of him to just say he doesnt want to be married anymore without having tried the counselling that HE himself suggested,and now he is flat out refusing?It sounds like he is all ”iv decided im done so im done” kinda attitude
I feel for you so much OP,you have a little baby together and he quite rightly should try real hard,however your husband isnt going to by the sounds of it
i think what @Laurenplusalex: wrote about the 180 is excellent,i would definately be doing this!
Talking,trying and being upset didnt change things,if this 180 doesnt change things then i think you will know you tried all ways and can start moving forwards
I did also wonder if there was anyone else like another PP said. is this a possibility?
Post # 10
@Laurenplusalex: I think this is interesting, but is the goal to actually be okay and get over him if needed, or is it to win him back by acting a certain way, and make him think you are something that you’re not? I think the motive behind it really determines whether it would be the right course of action in each scenario.
OP, I am so, so sorry. I will say that something seems off with the timing of having a brand new baby. It’s a monumental event in a couple’s life, and I’m sure can cause massive changes in feelings from both the woman and the man, including depression. I would give him some time, a few days, to see if he becomes more willing to talk to you. Divorce as a first course of action (only a month after you talked about how to improve things) is not the adult way to handle things and I really hope it’s a momentary lapse in judgment.
Post # 11
When my ex-husband wanted to divorce me, my biggest dissapointment was that he wouldn’t even consider counseling. Without his wilingness to even TRY- you have nothing. You said he is stubborn and selfish- so you may already have your answer.
Post # 12
@Laurenplusalex: I get the 180 stuff, but I just can’t imagine having to pretend to be happy all the time with a 4 month old baby.
In fact, the baby stuff is defintely an issue I’d want to bring up. It seems like you’ve spent the vast majority of your married life pregnant or with a very small child. I would insist on councilling, if only to agree on major decisions in your child’s future.
Post # 13
@kate02121: I think it has both motives. The 1st is to get the spouse to miss the person they fell in love with and not be a broken person that they can easily walk away from. The 2nd motive is that, even if this doesn’t work, you will have become a stronger, happier person just by faking it.
I don’t know if this will help OP, but it might: http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
I’m so sorry that this is happening. I really do hope that he snaps out of it and at least tries.
Post # 14
Didn’t you have a thread that your pregnant again sooo soon after your last pregnancy?
Post # 15
I’m so sorry to hear this. I also wonder if his point blank refusal to see a counsellor or take any other positive steps to try and make your marriage work could be explained by him seeing someone else. I really hope this isn’t the case but he seems hell-bent on ending your marriage and has clearly gone into shut-down mode which makes me suspicious.
I’ve seen this happen before with friends. The husband suddenly had “a really serious conversation” which was basically a statement of very unpalatable but inadequately explained facts. He was leaving, he wondered if he’d ever been truly happy and worse, there was absolutely nothing his wife could do to influence his decision. Minds had been made up and no outside help in even explaining his reasoning was on the cards. My friend initially took all the responsibility for the marriage ending. She was certain she must have been inadequate in some way. And then, lo and behold, within 2 weeks of him upping and leaving, a girlfriend emerged from the woodwork. He’d been seeing her for months.
I don’t know if your DH has given you any cause to consider infidelity but I do know that he has some explaining to do. He cannot expect to slide out of this marriage while you do all the work and self-analysis. Regardless of the 180 stuff or the link, above, it is wrong that you should have to endure this while he shuts down.
Post # 16
@graygodess20: The OP had a chemical pregnancy. She is not currently expecting another baby.