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This is tricky. I'd only tell her once you've put the deposit down on the venue, so she cannot try to guilt you into changing it.
There are a couple of threads on here regarding people's feelings getting hurt if certain kids aren't invited. But obviously a bar is not a place for a child, so they'll have to get over it. I'd definitely make note of it on the invitation (probably not on the main invitation, but on the reception card).
And it is totally great of you to provide a sitter at the hotel. Would you be able to extend the free sitter to anyone who wanted it?
Yes, I definitely could, but it should be noted that given the small size of family on both sides, there are no other children involved, heh. Basically they'd be the only children showing up at all. No other friends have children, etc.
The other thing is that two of them are mildly autistic and one of them just gets into everything and all over everyone. I seoirusly love them so much. They're family, but a wedding with them makes me nervous. It makes me feel bad saying that, but yea.
I would definitely wait until you've made a deposit, but then tell her where you've decided to have the reception, and their rules on children. Try to keep it off yourself as much as possible.
My only question would be about nursing newborns/young infants, who are almost guaranteed to sleep through it, who have no real schedule, and who need to be with their moms. I'm not sure how you *or* the venue feels about this; maybe something to consider before having any conversations? (And it's up to you, one way or another--just putting it out there.)
Honestly, I would be prepared for the possibility that the family may opt not to attend. Unless the sitter was someone I knew, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child, particularly if he or she had special needs, alone with a stranger for an extended period of time.
Maybe talk to FBIL and FSIL to discuss what makes them feel comfortable?
Edited to add: I definitely don't think you should change your venue, but it might be best to have a chat with the parents first, since their attendance is probably pretty important to your FI. There may be things you can do to make them more comfortable that still add up to a kid-free reception.
Thankfully there are no newborns or nursing ones who would even be involved. We have a small list (about 60); aside from the nephews, no one has kids.
Honestly if more of our guests had children, we would have gone an entirely different way with the reception.
It's just not logical to change your plans and you venue for three children. I understand about wanting to have them because they are family, but people can only ask you to do so much before it stops being your wedding.
Make the deposit, have your darling FI take care of it and be done with it. A bar is a bar, and if she thinks for twoooooo seconds that it's a good idea to have your younger cousins in there... well, there's always the option of a bouncer.
Actually, I think you have it easier than most people. You can blame the venue! Just simply say, "the reception venue simply doesn't allow children, so they'll be able to attend the ceremony, but not the reception." If she gets upset over it, well, that's her problem. Even if her guilt-tripping is infamous, there's really nothing you can do, so you're seriously completely in the guilt-free zone. She'll just have to get over it and move on.If she brings it up say, "Blame the venue, not us!" The only thing I can possible see happening is if she's really dramatic, she might take it upon herself to call the venue herself to see if she can bend the rules. Maybe just give your venue a head's up that this is a very small possibility, and just instruct them to be polite, but firm with her that this is a strict policy, and not a kid-friendly joint.
I just noticed the piece about the autism, and that they're the only three young ones in question. I would definitely talk to their mom and dad about the babysitting, and it would be very nice of you to offer; but taking care of three kids is no easy feat, especially if two are on the spectrum. You'd need a very special babysitter to accomplish that (and maybe you would be willing to pay for a sitter the mom and dad know and trust?). Just a thought.
And, FWIW, I have three very small children, all of whom I love dearly; one of whom I know would behave beautifully at a wedding (the other two could go either way). I would not be offended at all if they weren't invited to a wedding (in fact, they haven't been invited to a single wedding yet). Most are after their bedtime, anyway!
To answer #1- add a separate insert with the invitations along the lines of "although we would love to see your children at our ceremony, our reception venue has a strict no-children policy. please contact us if you need help finding a babysitter in the area"
to answer #2- go over (or under) her head. talk to the parents and get their ok... then she will have no ammunition.
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I'll start with the easier of the two "no children" quandries...
1. Our wedding celebration is the top floor of a pub on a Sunday evening. Unfortunately (and yet... not unforunately, heh) the wedding extends after 7pm, when children are no longer allowed on the premises. How can we insure that no one tries to "bend the rules" to get their children in? Seriously, if they show up with children, we'll be in trouble. This cannot happen.
2. His mother... seriously, she's amazing, but we had something happen last year when a venue we were originally looking at didn't allow children. She cried about how that meant the nephews couldn't come, and was BESIDE herself. "How can you do this? Wedding planning isn't THAT difficult? I don't understand what the PROBLEM is, etc." Basically she was literally crying on the phone saying how cruel we are, heh.
Well, obviously we cannot have children at the reception, but ONLY at the reception. We're going to provide a babysitter for his three nephews (all of then under 10 years of age) at the hotel which is only a short few minutes walk from our reception. They WILL be at the ceremony, of course, but I'm completely anxious about telling her this. My fiance said he'll "handle it" but the woman's guilt tripping is infamous.
How do I keep myself calm about this? I wish he would just get it over with... or should we wait? I feel like we should do it sooner rather than later, but for some reason the conversation keeps not happening. It's aggravating.
The end, heh.