Post # 1
my fiancé proposed on New Year’s Eve and I ecstatically said yes. I have since been avoiding telling my mum as I was extremely concerned about how she would react. Fiancé and I are young (23 and 24) and only met six months ago but have been living together since then. He has a steady well-paid job, I have a college degree and solid job and am planning to return to school to study medicine i.e. We have no plans to start a family any time soon. We also decided on a wedding over 2 years away. Mum has also stated several times how much she liked him. So with this in mind I bit the bullet tonight and told her. I expected some initial concern over the short time we had known each other, but I was entirely unprepared for how she did react.
Basically, she was furious. At first she seemed vaguely upset but over the next hour proceeded to become extremely mad, say some very untrue, uneccessary and hurtful things both about our relationship and me as a person. She went as far as to say she was “sick to her stomach” at the thought of us marrying. The whole incident has left me feeling extremely hurt. It has in no way swayed or unsettled my decision to marry my wonderful man, but I had hoped for a better reaction from mum. She has always been extremely harsh on everything I do, but when everyone else is being so supportive and happy (including my future in-laws despite me not having met them yet), it’s hard to get such a hurtful reaction from my own mother.
I really hope she comes around (quickly) to the idea of us marrying. But I’m unsure how to proceed, how to talk to her, how long to wait to talk to her etc. without creating another hurtful fight and any advice is appreciated.
Post # 3
Welcome to the Hive and congratulations on your engagement!
I’m so sorry you had a disappointing and harsh reaction from your mother. I hope she changes her tune and comes around to the joy.
Post # 4
@Briecheese: Frankly, I don’t blame your Mom. Your relationship is moving foolishly and recklessly fast. What’s the rush?
Post # 5
@Zhabeego: So if someone gets engaged faster than you think is right, it’s acceptable for her mum to criticise her as a person and say untruths about her? Nice.
@Briecheese: Ignore both that poster and your mum. Concerned advice is one thing (and is sometimes appropriate), ranting and personal critiicism is another. Distance yourself from your mother if she’s going to be like that, and hang around more with family and friends who support you.
Post # 6
@Zhabeego: She did say they were waiting 2 years to get married…I don’t think that’s a huge rush.
@Briecheese: I am so sorry that your mom reacted that way. I hope that in time she will come around and be supportive!
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Give your mom some time. She may be a bit in shock, and hopefully, once she has time to process, she’ll come around. A long engagement should ease her concerns.
She was wrong to say untrue things, obviously, but mom’s can be emotional and protective, so I’m going to cut her some slack.
Post # 8
@Briecheese: I have since been avoiding telling my mum as I was extremely concerned about how she would react… I bit the bullet tonight and told her.
Second, KUDOS to you for taking the adult and mature approach by standing up and telling her your intentions instead of hiding them from her even when you suspected she’d be harsh. But just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you won’t feel hurt when a loved one’s reaction, even when expected, was not desireable. We’re human, after all.
It has in no way swayed or unsettled my decision to marry my wonderful man.
The proceed as planned. Ultimately, this is your life. The two year engagement should give your mom sufficient opportunity to come around. The two years will also provide you and your FI the time to continue growing and enjoying and learning about each other, make mistakes now and then, solve problems as one unit… and establish boundaries where family is concerned.
Post # 9
My mother is the same. When I told her that I was engaged, she told me that I was too fat to look good in a wedding gown. She also berated me for wanting a small wedding.
While I believe you are moving very fast, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. A long engagment makes sense in situations like this.
I have a dear friend who was engaged after ONE WEEK of meeting her fiance. They were engaged for over a year and now they have been married for five.
Post # 10
Second, give your mom some space and time and I really think she’ll come around. Focus on all the positive responces you’re receiving from everyone else. I guarantee your mom’s reaction came from a place of love nad protectiveness. Doesn’t make it all right, but I can understand it. She just wants what’s best for you. With time I’m sure she’ll see how awesome your guy is and that this is what is best for you. You’ve got plenty of time before the wedding, so give her some time to adjust. And in the meantime, just don’t talk to her about wedding planning. And it’s great that your in-laws are excited – I hope you get to meet them soon!
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
@Zhabeego: excuse you?!
my mother married after 7 months and they’ve been happily married for 30 years. Same goes for DH’s parents. My husband and I decided we wanted to get married after being together for just 5 months, that was over 4 years ago and we’re happily married now.
I don’t understand how you feel you can just throw around insults like “foolish” and “reckless” to a person you don’t even know.
OP, congratulations. This is a beautiful time in your life. If your mother is concerned about you rushing into things, there are plenty of ways she could have told you without being so hurtful. I say enjoy planning your lovely wedding, and stay far far away from that kind of negativity! While you’re planning, give her the opportunity to be involved with small things every now and then, and try to talk to her to understand where that outburst came from. But if she still doesn’t come round eventually, maybe it’s time to think about starting afresh in terms of family and focus on having a healthy marriage instead
Post # 12
@Briecheese: Welcome to the Hive. I’m sorry your mom’s reaction was less than what you hoped. I think, no matter when you get engaged, there will always be people who will judge you based on the length of time you were together. 6 months, to me, is very fast too, but you aren’t getting married for a few years. Perhaps drop the topic for now, and maybe after your one year anniversary if she still hasn’t warmed up to the idea then maybe approach the subject again. Right now it is still very fresh. Plus you don’t have to start wedding planning right now with it being so far away, so you have some time to get this figured out.
If in the end you talk to her and she still isn’t receptive what can you do? It’s your life, and you aren’t responsible for other’s reaction. Yeah, it totally sucks because your mom should be supportive, but you need to do what is right for you.
Post # 13
@Briecheese: I’m sorry your mom didn’t react well. You guys are moving fast, but each relationship has a different pace to it and you guys are planning to have a longer engagement. I think that is a very smart choice.
I do commend you for being an adult and letting her know what was going on, despite fearing her reaction; that was the mature way of handling things and you should be proud of yourself for doing it.
Are you her eldest child or only child? Sometimes that can play a role in the way parents treat their kids (as much as they like to tell us they treat us all the same; they don’t mean to, but it happens).
You mentioned she has always been harsh with your decisions; have those decisions generally turned out well? If so, what was her reaction like when she saw her fears were unfounded? Could she be worried that your future goals (like studying Medicine) will be pushed aside because of marriage (not saying that will be the case, just wondering if that could be worrying your mom)?
Is there anything in your mom’s past that may be coloring her opinion on your engagement?
You don’t need to answer anything that feels too personal, it just might give us a better idea of why your mom is reacting the way she is. In the meantime, try to just focus on yourself and your relationship. Take some time to really savor this magical moment and be happy.
Post # 14
@Briecheese: Oh, girl I feel you.
My mom used to scream at me, hung up the phone and be all kinds of unreasonable about my wedding.
My only advice is to be patient, my only advice is NOT TO LET HER OUT OF THIS. It might be simpler just avoiding her, just don’t talk to her at all. But girl, be patient and keep trying to show her how much you love her, but keep your choices firm.
Seriously, it does get better.
My mom gave me this for christmas, I could have never imagined she would do something like this for me:
I know it’s hard. But be strong. Hang on.
Lots of love for you :**
Post # 15
Congratulations on your engagement and welcome to the hive! 🙂
I would give your mom time to process the information; hopefully, she will come around and be happy for you.
Post # 16
@Briecheese: Just wait it out. She will come around. She is probably nervous for you, but you guys have set the wedding date two years away, that should give her some comfort. Don’t worry – give it a few months and I am sure she will calm down.