Mutual Hate with Future-In-Laws

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
588 posts
Busy bee

Daenaria727:  The “you marry them, you marry their family” is basically true, but what’s even more true is, “you have a kid with them, you marry their family.” You’re already in too deep, I’m afraid. It doesn’t matter if you guys get married or not at this point – you already are a family, because you’ve created one together. 

They’ll likely hate you less eventually, but it won’t be an easy road. My mom was hated by my dad’s mother for a good 15 years of their marriage… but she got over it eventually, and even kind of liked her in the end.

I’m sorry that you have to deal with hateful inlaws though.

Post # 3
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Daenaria727:  Thats a horrible situation to be in but would you really be happy giving up your relationship with your FI and the father of your child because of them?

I think you need to set boundaries and if you simply can’t get along, spend less time with them. If there’s a family gathering that isn’t a special occassion, maybe just let your FI take your daughter and the two of them go alone. If you only see eachother on rare occassions, hopefully you can all hold it together and be civil enough to get through it. 2.5 years is still relatively early days if you’re going to spend your life with this man and you/they may be able to get passed it eventually and learn how to make it work as a family. Have you and your FI tried talking to them about the issues you’re all having?

That said, while families are important and I adore mine, not everyone has to be super close with their entire family, and many people aren’t. If you wouldn’t be friends with these people otherwise, it can be hard to be forced in to a situation where you just don’t gel with them. Just have a really good think about whether it’s really worth giving up YOUR family (your FI and daughter together) because you don’t get along with the in-laws. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, find a balance that works for everyone.

Post # 4
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

My dad’s family never liked my mom or the fact that my dad married a white woman, and they made it pretty clear and I’ve never really had any sort of relationship with them because of it. My mom was always civil, but she didn’t go out of her way to be nice or anything.

I wouldn’t not marry your FI because of his family. Not saying you need to cut them out of your lives, but in my experience it’s easier to just avoid them when possible and don’t give them too much information about what’s going on with you. If you see them, be civil and don’t start anything or get in arguments. In a pretty short time they’ll realize how silly they’re making themselves look and probably just leave you alone for the most part. Just don’t let his family being stupid ruin your relationship and your family

Post # 5
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Unfortunately, it’s too late for you to get away from them.  You have a kid, who is now part of that family.  At this point, whether you marry him or not doesn’t matter, you’re bound to that family for the rest of your life.  Since you’re stuck with them, you might as well learn to deal with them. 

So they don’t show up to a 1 year old’s birthday party.  So what?  It’s not like she’ll remember.  If they don’t show up to Christmas or other celebrations, she won’t remember that either for YEARS.  You’ve got time.  Don’t let them run all over you.  If you can’t make it to some family gathering, don’t.  If they don’t show up to your kid’s event, then they don’t show.  Plenty of grandparents can’t make it out to every birthday, dance recital, soccer game.  No one will even notice but you.

Post # 6
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Eff her.  Do you love him?  Does he love you?  Do NOT let some miserable b#tch ruin YOUR family, then she wins, and crushes something before it’s had a chance.  Don’t rob your daughter, you or your FI from the chance of a happy little family.  You two are adults, don’t give her power over your family. 

Post # 7
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

HisIrishPrincess:  Totally agree but I don’t understand why his family hates you because of your weight. I don’t understand. Now, I do think that the first birthday is a milestone, maybe not to the baby but to the parents (here in Hawaii a luau for a first birthday is traditional) and I think that his parents are only going to hurt themselves if they miss this. Now, why would you give his family the power? Fu** that! You love your fiance and child. You created a family together and your fiance will have to be a mediator between you and his family. You are questioning your engagement but considering you have a child with this man, it is likely that you will have to deal with his family for years so why cheat yourself out of a great love?

Post # 8
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry for your situation.

Are you really sure that your in-laws are a reason big enough to break your family? You say everybody hates them, so most likely the situation is in no way your fault. If you love him, and he loves you, why would you break your daughter’s family over his parents?

You don’t have to marry them. I’m not really a fan of my FIL, and I haven’t seen him for over a year. My husband sees him maybe once a year.

Post # 9
6665 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, you already have a kid togehter… so its a little late to back out now.  I don’t like my FIL , so I just let DH deal wth him.  I don’t let it affect my daily life.

Post # 10
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If it was just you and your FI, I would totally support you breaking up because of his family.  I had to deal with the mother from hockey sticks with an ex, and it makes for a happier relationship when you are not dealing with that.

But it isn’t just you and your FI.  It is the two of you and this wonderful little person you have created together.  This little person deserves both of you.   Even if you don’t marry him, it sounds like he will still want some custody of your daughter, which means that his parents will be involved in your life no mater what you do at this point.   Being married gives you more leverage over what your daughter is exposed to with the FILs.  It means that you and your FI can make decisions together about how much she is exposed to his parents, and what you say to her afterwards if they are also not nice to her.  

Post # 11
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t back out JUST BECAUSE of his family, because that also is not fair to you nor FI. It’s true to some extent that you “marry the family”, but the more important thing is whether FI stands up to them or not. Now, if he was a complete push-over who refused to see the problem and stand up for you and his daughter, then I would say reconsider things. But even if he is a push-over when it comes to his parents, if he can at least realize that he should step up, and he wants to work on doing that, then give him a chance.

I strongly do not care for MIL and a select few of her “flying monkeys”. If I were to base my decision only on his family, I would walk away. And if DH let her do whatever she wants, I would have walked away, because that would have been unfair for me. However, DH feels the same way about her that I do. She tries and tries, but he simply doesn’t put up with any of her BS and certainly doesn’t let it affect me. It is something I have to deal with occasionally, but DH is more than worth it and we deal with it together. That is the important part.

Post # 12
1040 posts
Bumble bee

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, my FI’s family hates me. I know what you’re going through.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and my FI’s brothers have called me “lazy” and have said all sorts of sh*t about my depression and how they don’t “believe” it. Also, the day after my FI and I got engaged, his mom was pouting and thought I was “purposely rubbing it in her face” by posting a picture of the ring on Facebook. 

But you know what? I’m still marrying my FI. He isn’t his mother, he isn’t his brothers, and I’m not going to hold their actions and behaviors against him, because it isn’t his fault they’re all assh*les. 

I know it’s stressful, I’m sorry. But don’t let them ruin what you have with your FI! Don’t let them take away your happiness. *hugs*

Post # 13
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When you marry someone you Do Not marry the family. You can limit contact with them. I only see my ILs once a year. I don’t even  have my MILs phone number. Marry the man. Stay clear of the family.  Good luck.

Post # 14
817 posts
Busy bee

I’m not in a similar situation (I get along nicely with my boyfriends family) but I would only throw away the relationship if my fiance didn’t have my back.  As long as he is solidly on your side (at least in front of the in-laws) then I don’t see a reason to end the relationship.  But if he’s constantly putting you down in favor of his family, I would think that’s a problem.

Post # 15
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

eeniebeans:  This. I have issues with my FIL too. Honestly they caused me to spiral into a depression because of how they act.  Now that i am out of said depression, i simply dont feel the need to build a relationship with them. I mean i dont hate them. I just am a very different sort of person than they are. And i no longer am willing to change myself to fit into their family. DH can have relationships with them, and they can communicate with him. My kids can have a relationship with them as long as they stay within certain boundaries. I will be civil with them. But i’ll stand up for myself if needed and will not be pushed around. 

FYI since i took this stand DH and i have been very happy. He knows the issues i have and is fine with me not being buddy buddy with everyone. 

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