My 16 year old cousin knocked up his gf….(Long)

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
4218 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

They’re both at ” fault” for this pregnancy. It’s not your problem to fix. The last thing they need is someone who thinks they’re useless. How is that going to help? 

Post # 5
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t have advice for most of it. 🙁  Other than I understand your frustrations and worries!

But I do know a boy who was born to a train wreck teen girl and a fairly not with it teen boy.  Supposedly girl would have and raise it and he would pay and share in parenting it (no plans to get married/live together).

She dropped the child off at the boy teen’s house one day and said she wasn’t cut out for this and hasn’t been heard from in at least 15 years.  When I met Fred he was 5.  It was a holiday, I was friends with his uncle and new in town so they he invited me so I wasn’t alone.  All the adults were off doing prep for holiday stuff.  I was about to go see if I could help with something and Fred goes “Did you know [teen boy now 20] is my dad, but he’s also my brother?  He had me when he was young and wasn’t ready for a kid, so my mom, who’s also his mom!, cause she’s not technically my mom but she really is, made it so she was my mom and I’m so happy I have my mom/grandma and dad/brother and my other brother/uncle too of course!  In typical 5 year old run on sentence lol.

The way he was raised it was just a thing, it was neat to him cause it was different and his life was great so it wasn’t an issue for him.  At 21 myself, I had been told the kid’s history, but hearing him say it like that sort of weirded me out but he was so open and easy about it it obviously wasn’t an issue.  And I’ve known him about 13 years and he’s a really cool kid.  He learned about it so early that it wasn’t weird to him, even though he knew it wasn’t “normal”, I always got the impression he felt super loved and special. 

I guess the point is whatever happens if people are open about it and loving, that matters more than anything.  And it doesn’t have to be something sprung on them later when it’s a complete shock.

Post # 6
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I don’t believe an adoption is legal without his consent. He’s not obliged to stay with her. If she’s using adoption as a threat to make him stay with him, that’s certainly illegal, and information he needs to document,

Post # 7
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Unfortunately I don’t think there really is anything you CAN do but just be as supportive as possible. Of course you want to throttle him lol. He made a stupid mistake, it happens. But what’s done is done. It’s sad that this girl has such a poor life and that your uncle isn’t dad of the year. Honestly from the sounds of it, the best option for this child would be a closed adoption to a family that is looking to bring a baby into their home. And you know that this could go so so badly based on this girl’s upbringing and who knows what her emotional state will be througout the pregnancy and after the baby is born. 

At the end of the day, keep knitting the blanket. Support your cousin as best you can, just be there for him, he needs all the support he can get. And as much as you may not want to, try to support the girl. It sounds like she needs some stand up people in her life to be there for her for once. 

Post # 9
Member
998 posts
Busy bee

Keep supporting your cousin, and bite your tongue when you resent the teens for their pregnancy. Aside from that, there’s nothing that you can do.

I do agree that the grandparents raising the child as theirs, right down to referring to your cousin as a brother isn’t right, though. But at the end of the day, you don’t really have any say as a cousin to this child.

 

@jny1179:  +100

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Why can’t he still go to college and do everything he’s always wanted? He’s going to support a family way better with a degree than without.

If his family is willing to support them for a few years while he finishes his education, I don’t see why this has to destroy his life.

Also, I don’t see adoption as a threat! If he doesn’t want to be in the picture, she has NOTHING in the way of a support network! I would give the baby up for adoption, too, if I were in her shoes!

Post # 11
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BrandNewBride:  Why can’t he still go to college and do everything he’s always wanted? He’s going to support a family way better with a degree than without.

Agreed. I don’t understand why his life is “ruined” now? 

I also don’t understand why abortion is not an option. Sorry, but if I got pregnant as a sophomore in high school and had ZERO support, that would be my first and only choice. 

Post # 12
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@chasesgirl:  it sounds to me like a closed (only because that’s the type you noted) adoption would be the best situation here – neither of them sound like they are ready to be parents, or equipped to be. they could both continue with school and hopefully go to college etc and figure their lives out without compromising this child’s upbringing etc.

 

there isn’t anything you can do at the moment, except be there for them, talk to them both about their options and be non judgemental about what they do choose. lots of people are afraid to admit that they are thinking about adoption for fear that people will brand them heartless or say that they don’t love their children etc. so for me, i would make it clear that adoption is a totally acceptable option that they shouldn’t feel bad about considering. 

 

i know how tough it can be – my younger cousin got accidentally pregnant and my grandmother made a comment to me that i ‘was supposed to have her first grandchild, and it was supposed to be a few years away’ – half joking. now she’s a happy great grandmother and that cousin is expecting again. 

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

As previous posters said, why can’t he still finish his education? If he wants to be an engineer he probably has good grades and will be taking the ACT/SAT depending on the area next year. And if he’s been aiming for a top tier university then highschool work should be pretty easy to handle. Maybe he won’t be able to go to MIT or CalTech anymore but there’s still other good engineering schools out there (I live in the midwest so SIUE, Missouri S&T, Purdue all come to mind) and he can even start out taking prerequiste classes at a community college and then transfer over to a two year. He’ll be able to suport a family much much better if he has a bachelor’s degree and an engineering job even if he didn’t graduate from a top tier university.

 

Maybe the best support you can give him is showing him that his future isn’t gone and he has options whether THEY decide to keep the baby or not. I also agree that adoption is the way to go and a baby is not a good enough reason for two people to tie their lives together at 16/17.

Post # 14
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@chasesgirl:  I hate to be the one to say this but everyone should calm down till she gets out of the first trimester.

 

Not that it would be wished on anyone no matter how bad the situation is but miscarriages happen and if she is only 6-8wks then she’s not in the clear.

 

It seems like they want to bring the baby into the world, so everyone needs to calm down and keep their heads bc this girl nutty as she may be is carrying a child and has a tremendous amount of stress on her being kicked out of her home being a teenage mom ect…

 

The last thing she, the baby, or your cousin need is everyone going bat shit crazy all around them.

I think your doing a good thing knitting the baby blanket though, that’s really sweet.

My only advice, do non invasive things like the blanket, and help if you are asked. Also your attitude that their lives are ruined isn’t exactly..helpful..this situation is anything but ideal..but comments like that aren’t going to help anyone.

Best of luck to your family, I know lots of girls and guys (10+) who became teenage parents and none of their lives were ruined, many of them graduated college and are happy wonderful parents who love their children and wouldn’t trade them for anything despite all the extra hardships.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
4218 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@chasesgirl:  Maybe stop calling them stupid, pyscho,, train wreck,irresponsible,etc? Try “I know this is hard, but I’m here for you guys and your baby no matter what” If that’s not what you want to do, then stay out of their way instead of making it worse. It’s going to be hard enough for them without everyone coming down on them. They might just turn around, step it up and do a bang up job handling this. 

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