My 7.5 years relationship update

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Congrats on your new hapiness! I hope everything keeps going great for you!

Post # 4
2394 posts
Buzzing bee



You did the right thing. Be strong! Be proud of yourself for not giving him any more power over you. 


Your heart is hurting because you thought he was Mr. Right. He’s not. You haven’t even met your real, true Mr. Right yet…. but you will. And when that happens, all of your commitment fears will gradually melt away as you get used to your new normal, in a committed marriage. And someday when you look back on all of this, it won’t hurt anymore.


I promise! I’ve been there, I know. 


Best of luck to you.


Post # 5
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Wow! That’s a big and brave decision. Do you think him not proposing is what made you resentful to start with? And then you noticed the routine etc… ? Like an engagement and then wedding would be exciting and different and you would be busy. I ask because your story doesn’t seem to sound like you were always waiting for a proposal but during my waiting stage I found myself thinking similarly…trips wasted,anniversaries passing etc… And it was my irritation at waiting that would cause conflict-his behavior has always been the same. So me waiting made me sad- made me different and then when he asked it went right back to normal ( or better) because I felt our plans for life could truly begin and the waiting stage sucks. I am glad you are happy now but wondering if he is your best friend and you love him if the commitment came would you be happy with him?

Post # 8
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@soinlove79:  With all due respect, I think after 7.5 years of waiting for that commitment, it wouldn’t be healthy for her to engage in “what if’s” at this point. She waited long enough, don’t you think?

Post # 10
81 posts
Worker bee

I went through the exact same thing. I was with my ex for 6 years, and he was kind and a “good” boyfriend. He wasn’t enough though. He didn’t want to marry me (I didn’t find this a big deal at the time), he didnt hold my hand, he didn’t want to spend his spare time with me. All pretty small things but I really felt I needed and deserved more. When we broke up it felt as if I had lost my best friend. He told me he didn’t think I would find what I was looking for, and that it was unrealistic. I am now with someone who is what I only ever dreamed of before. That sounds so cheesy but it’s true. i used to look at other couples and be jealous, now I am so content.

hang in there, and don’t be afraid to try again. You deserved better, and we’re strong enough to accept that you needed more. Don’t dwell on your last relationship. Be thankful that it taught you what you want and don’t want in a relationship. Finding someone who you will be completely happy with will be easier now, as you know what you are looking for x

Post # 11
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I do think if it is meant to be it will happen too. you deserve someone who really wants you and 7.5 is a long time to be unsure or at very least-inactive. I was at my breaking point at 3 years but like you would never want a forced proposal. I’m glad it’s working out for you and a break from it all can only help you both see it from a clear point of view. Good luck! 

I was saying what if only because if I had given up at my breaking point and not waited for him to be ready then I would of pressured him or lost the love of my life by leaving. But we have a diff situation of course and 7.5 is a long time. 


Post # 12
1235 posts
Bumble bee

I think you did the strongest and bravest thing. But the RIGHT thing. I am so impressed. Leaving after such a long relationship sounds so difficult. Staying would have been the easy thing to do. But now you will find true happiness and never settle. 

Post # 13
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You have definitely done the right thing.

I was just shy of 7 years with my boyfriend when I went back to visit my mother in Australia for 3 months.  I was 32 at the time, my boyfriend was 31.  My mother gave me utter hell about the fact that we’d been together that length of time, and he’d made no commitment to me – we weren’t living together, hell he was still living with his parents!  I got the examples of the daughters of her friends who were getting married and having children constantly thrown in my face.

I came back from Australia, and basically gave my boyfriend an ultimatium, we either got married or split up.  He agreed, even though he’d always told me he didn’t see the point of marriage, to (and I quote) ‘shut me up about it’.   Instead of seeing the madly waving red flags, I was just too pleased that we were engaged…even though it then took him another year to tell his parents that we were…

If I could go back and redo anything, I would have stayed in Australia.  We should have split up at that point.  Apart from the lack of commitment, our relationship had lots of over problems, a lot of them like the ones you posted.  Our sex life had gone down the drain too, and by the time we got married, we were even sleeping in seperate bedrooms…how I thought marriage was going to improve or change things is still beyond me.  We were married a total of 7 years, and the last 3 were rough.  I never felt like he was truly committed to me, that I’d ‘forced’ him into marriage, something he’d made more than plain that he didn’t really want.  Barely 15 minutes after the marriage he left me outside the registry office and walked off with his friends to the reception venue…I had to walk into my own wedding reception on my own…

You said “I always believed that if men don’t do certain things now, they will definitely won’t do it when they are married

I can tell you from bitter experience that those words are true.  I think you need to go no contact with your ex, you need a complete new start and still being in contact is keeping one foot in the past.  


Post # 14
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think you made the right decision. It was for your own good. As you said yourself, you are much happier now. Plus, when it feels like a relationship isn’t going anywhere, it probably is not going to last much longer. You mentioned that now you are afraid to settle down, commit to someone and have children, etc. I can assure you when you meet the right person, all your doubts will go away! But for now congratulations on your newly found happiness! 

Post # 15
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@1wallflower:  good for you to recognize what is missing in your relationship and realize what it is that you need.   after years together, it takes a strong person to act on that need.  i know it feels very liberating, doesn’t it? 

don’t be afraid of commitment.  learn to appreciate who you are alone and what it is that you need to compliment you.  when the right person comes along, you will be ready.  there is no rush but you will know if those needs are being met.

Post # 16
5815 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@1wallflower:  There is a lot of support and information abour leaving Mr.Wrong, not a lot of info or support for leaving Mr. NiceGuy, but not RightGuy. You can have a relationship with a good person, with little conflict that there really isnt anything majorly wrong, but it’s just not right and you cant put your finger on it. My DH got married to someone like that the first time. (and they got married in year 7) He found out very quickly that Ms. NotSoBad, does not make a good marriage. He broke her heart by asking for a divorce before their first anniversary. He is still guilt ridden about it. 

You did the right thing and you saved both of you the pain of a divorce. I agree with PP, you need to have no conact with him. Maybe in a year or two you can be friends, but for now, clean break.

One day you will meet someone who naturally speaks your Love Language and you wont have any fear of commitment. The other thing is, trust that you have learned to recognize a relationship that isnt quite right. And trust you will get out of it sooner that 7 years! 

Your story reminds me of this from Dear Sugar


There was nothing wrong with my ex-husband. He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty close. I met him a month after I turned 19 and I married him on a rash and romantic impulse a month before I turned 20. He was passionate and smart and sensitive and handsome and absolutely crazy about me. I was crazy about him too, though not absolutely. He was my best friend; my sweet lover; my guitar-strumming, political rabble-rousing, road-tripping side-kick; the co-proprietor of our vast and eclectic music and literature collection; and daddy to our two darling cats.

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.


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