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This is a sensitive subject... 
Need serious bee support!! It's taken a whole lot of 'balls' to be able to state this publicly....
So yes, it did actually happen. Not recently but almost 2 years ago. (On my b'day. Ugh!!!) I had gotten an abortion performed the day I turned 27. It was a very tiny pregnancy. I.e 4-6 weeks.
I was not ready for a kid at the time. I was both financially and emotionally unreliable. And also had my drinking/partying lifestyle so when I did get pregnant, didn't even realize that I WAS pregnant so never stopped the drinking obviously.
Now I am in a far better position both financially and emotionally. And I feel 'ready' for a kid now. However now I am waiting until after I am married. The marriage happens in Summer 2011.
My issue is that for the 1st year of the abortion, I was okay. The 2nd year and beyond I feel progressively WORSE! Instead of getting 'over' it, I am feeling more and more horrible. I cannot help but think that I will never be able to have a child again. I obviously haven't tried. (And we are not on B.C. We are just using condoms. And still pulling out even with the condoms!) But I feel so FREAKED OUT all the time. I have obviously repented profusely, both at church and at home. (Not in confession though!)
Has anyone every gone through this feeling? Or know someone who has been able to conceive successfully after having an abortion in their late 20s? I don't know how to shake this feeling off that I will 'never' be able to give birth. That's such a SCARY thought at this point and the worst part is that we won't even try until after the wedding.
I can't even begin to tell you that I know how you feel, b/c I don't. I've never been through anything you've mentioned above, and I don't know pesonally anyone who has been. But, I would think that this is something that doesn't just go away.
Does your FI know that this happened? If not, coming clean to him might help you release some of the pain you've held onto for so long. Also, talking to a counselor will really help you. This is something hugely emotional that shouldn't be taken lightly, or alone. Talking to someone will help you to release your fears and fully accept the decison you made.
I'm sorry you're going through this. *hug*
The decision to end a pregnancy is difficult, and I think it's only natural that it will take some time to fully process what it means to you, even if you are confident that it was, for you, the right decision.
Have you spoken to a counselor or to a medical doctor about your concerns? Either one may be able to reassure you that your history will not impact your ability to have children in the future.
not being able to have a baby after an abortion is a really scary thought :(
I know this girl in h.s. who had an abortion and now several years later she is pregnant again and it sounds like her pregnancy is moving along really well. I am so sorry you have those fears :( Lots of hugs sent to you!
It sounds like maybe you should seek out an abortion support group or forum. You seem to have a lot of left over emotions and fears.
If you're Catholic (which it sounds like you are) Project Rachel operates in every state and is an abortion support group that is run by the Catholic church.
As for a forum group, a simple google search would turn up a bunch of groups of women who may have had a similar experience to yours. They would probably be better able to answer your questions and concerns than the women here.
I am very sorry that you are going through what you are. I sincerely hope that you can find some peace and move past this. Good luck.
Edited to add: Here's the # for Project Rachel from the Toronto Archdiocese website, Project Rachel - Post Abortion healing ministry - 1-888-355-1110
I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't think there is any medical reason why you won't be able to give birth after having terminated a pregnancy. You should look into counseling and/or support groups in your area to help you work through this.
Hi. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
My bestie had an abortion four years ago. She actually didn't want to but was really coerced by the guy that had gotten her pregnant. So she had a lot of negative feelings aftewards for a couple of years.
She had gone to her doctor, her obgyn doctor, for her checkup and broke down crying wondering if she was going to have problems in the future. Her doctor assured her that a chance, if any, of abortion affecting fertility was very small and she has gone on to have two little ones that are completly loved because they have two parents that really love and wanted them :)
It's hard to find good info online because there are a lot of sham sites in either direction of the issue that post blatant lies if you just search for an answer. This is a reputable hospital that has one of the best children's and infants departments in the country and their response to the question:
please go talk to a therapist for the emotional issues you mentioned and an ob/gyn to talk about your chances of conceiving again.
There is a wonderful organization called Project Rachel here that offers so much hope! The opening screen makes a very wise statement: "it is normal to grieve a pregnancy loss, including a loss due to abortion." You are NOT alone. If going to confession is something you are comfortable with, it might help. Because your feelings are getting worse over time it might be a good idea to get some counseling and/or spiritual direction with this.
I have heard of many women who struggle after an abortion to conceive. However most of them did eventually conceive. Having an abortion messes up your hormones (your body was putting out "I'm pregnant" hormones and suddenly there is no pregnancy there, so it thinks to itself, huh what happened?) However eventually your body should go back to normal hormonally. After a couple years you should be OK.
I will come out and say my mother had an abortion at around your age, she was married a little while after and she was unable to concieve for six years. It was very hard for her and she had a lot of regrets. But she has four children now. She deeply regreted her choice and she continues to go to counseling (secular). Unfortunately abortion is often presented as an easy way out or a way to preserve the status quo, when really, life is never the same after conceiving a baby, whether you carry to term or not. Given how abortion has affected my own family I feel so much for you!!! Feel free to PM if you ever need to talk!!
As someone who can relate, I will say: Statistically, it is very, very unlikely you will not conceive. Having an abortion doesn't effect your ability to do so. my doctor sat down and explained all of the ins and outs of the stats. Abortion is about an order of magnitude safer than carrying a pregnancy to term. Complications are very much in the minority, and I question the PP's claim that she knows "many" women with complications. It takes the average woman 6 months-year to conceive, which changes with age. Perhaps people see not getting pregnant in the first couple of months as "complications" from the abortion.
Whether or not you do have a child, that pregnancy was not right, and so you should try and move on. You would never know whether that pregnancy actually would have made it to full term - many don't. You don't know if the baby would have had severe defects due to the heavy drinking.
All you can do now is make a conscious choice to try when you ARE prepared, and trust your body.
You should definitely go and talk to your OB/GYN and a therapist.
Also, condoms are only 85-90% effective using them perfectly, and pulling out can actually cause leakage if not timed correctly. I would add either BC pills or spermicidal gel to the mix. It'll give you a lot better peace of mind (spoken from someone who got pregnant taking the pill perfectly - if I can get pregnant with a 1% chance, there's no way i'd risk 10-15%!!!).
Just know that there's a large - millions-strong - community that support you and understand. **hugs** Many, many, many of us regret nothing - myself and my husband included.
Be aware of people you are seeking advice from - many skew data of misrepresent things to their advantage. Rely on real medical studies you discover from independent sources if at all possible.
Hi! Sorry to refute what you're saying here, but fluctuating hormones have nothing to do with being able to/having difficulty concieving after abortion. It's the same hormones you have if you miscarry, and there is no difficulty normally after that, either. Our hormones are a very complicated system and don't get 'confused' they just react, without emotion. Just mentioning that as a Bio major so that no one took that as fact :)
OP - as I said earlier and another poster mentioned, you should trust objective scientific sites or well known medical sites for that kind of medical information. I also think it would be a great idea to get counseling.
You do have a lot of guts to admit something that is such a sensitive topic. Almost a million women a year have an abortion– so you are certainly not alone here on the ‘Bee or in “real life”.
There is no medical reason that I know of that you wouldn’t be able to conceive after an abortion, especially after this period of time.
Choosing to have an abortion is a huge, life changing decision. It is a hard decision to make, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the right choice for you to make – only you can decide that. You should feel free to mourn your loss, and to know that you are not alone, and that your feelings are valid, and that you are in no way a “bad person”.
I would suggest perhaps calling a Planned Parenthood office, or a local hospital and seeing if they can suggest a therapist who deals with issues surrounding the loss of a pregnancy.
Be good to yourself – stop beating yourself up. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.
@Sasha2011: You're going to be alright reproductively--since it's been two years, I'm sure you'll be able to conceive. I think, though, you may need some counseling and zippylef and magdaleana gave a great resource. You need to know that once you feel regret and have repented, you are forgiven and part of that process if forgiving yourself (which I have trouble with). Hopefully you'll eventually feel comfortable enough to go to a priest for confession, if not, I'd say counseling. ((((HUGS)))))
Thank you so muchhhhhh bees! That helps a lot to read all those comments. (Yep, my eyes welled up!) I will definitely look for forums online and see how other women are coping with this.
I will definitely check out Project Rachel. (Thank you 'zippy' and 'magdalena'). I picked up a phamplet from church a while back but never did bother to do anything about it because I didn't have anyone to 'take' me. I feel lonely calling or going there by myself. I don't have many friends in the Toronto area. I had grown up in the States and all my friends are still back there. I moved here a few years ago but didn't really make any. Had a few that just drifted away with their lives and kids. (They all married earlier than me so we slowly had less and less in common and less time to spend with each other.) Sorry went off on a tangent there.
My FI was part of the decision. He knew we were both not 'ready' from any angle.
Actually he is the Catholic one in this relationship, I am not but we go to his church regularly together. It was really hard on him as well but he is good at hiding his emotions. He actually cried after the fact. Never seen him cry before! That happened much laterrrrrrr after almost a year when he saw ME breaking down first. So I am not too keen on taking him with me to see a counselor. He will only serve to make me weaker.
Thanks for the site 'luckyprincess'. Yes that does answer my question. I had the surgical kind. The pills were not even an option provide to me.
My doctor knows about the abortion. She just mentioned not to wait too long to have kids. She didn't say that there are any dangers associated. I think the issue is mostly psychological in my case than physical. Ugh!!! Can't help but feel bummed out.
Will the ob/gyn be able to tell me something more than what the doctor said by doing some tests? I haven't had an ob/gyn appointment yet because I was just not sure if that is anymore helpful.
First off, I am so sorry you are going through this. But like many other bees have already said, these are normal feelings to have and you are not alone.*HUGS*
If I were you, I would absolutely see an OB/GYN. They're specialists afterall.
I'm really sorry you are so torn up about this :( I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. It sounds like what you're feeling is normal for a lot of people who go through with getting an abortion. I agree with the rest of the bees that you should definitely look into going to a support group. I was very skeptical about how much good a support group would do me for a totally different issue, but I went and it felt relieving to just be able to speak with other people who knew exactly what I deal with. Talking about it (which I'm assuming you feel guilt about bc you mentioned you never have actually said anything about it in confession) will do wonders for you.
Hi Sasha! Yes, your obgyn can check your lining and for any scar tissues to be sure you look 'child ready' lol. I'm glad the mayoclinic site was helpful - its very reputable and I think you can feel better logically. It's emotionally that is the tough part, I know. I think having a good full exam for any fertility issues with your obgyn will really help to settle your mind.
Good luck to you!
I know quite a few people who have had abortions-all of them have been able to have children. I know that isn't scientific-but I thought it might make you feel better.
One of my closest friends had an abortion, and gave birth to three kids (the first, she gave up for adoption.) Another friend had a preventable miscarriage in her late 20s (she didn't know she was pregnant until the baby - and it was recognizable as such - passed through her IUD - she STRONGLY advises against that form of birth control), and she had two healthy babies after that. So I don't see it interfering with your fertility much.
About half my friends who had abortions still beat themselves up over it. Heck, most women I know who had miscarriages beat themselves up over it, even though they are totally blameless. My SIL had two miscarriages (both within the first three months) before she had my nephew, and they were SO nervous the entire time.
@crayfish: To clarify, I only have had four women confide this info to me over the course of my life, besides my mom, so maybe that doesn't count as "many." The first was a girl in high school who terminated a pregnancy just prior to graduation, and a couple months later after graduating wanted to try with her bf. She did not conceive for 2.5 years, then she miscarried. They stopped trying while they went back to school, however when trying again in their mid-20s they got pregnant easy.
The second was a girl in college who is married now. She previously had a healthy pregnancy that resulted in twins. It was a later-term abortion and since then she has struggled with RPL. No problem concieving but kept losing the baby. However she gave birth four months ago to a healthy baby boy! She only wants the three children.
The other two were both women I have met in the course of my work life, although by the time I met them they had both already had healthy children. We were all discussing the issue at work (! management did not know we were having these sensitive discussions !) and they both said they had infertility afterward although they didn't say for how long so maybe it was just a few months of trying and they thought that counted.
And then there is my mom who had problems for 6 years, but after her first pregnancy the next three came right on top of each other. Maybe there's a psychological/stress element going on there. Putting the pressure on yourself can really mess things up.
My understanding is that an abortion plays the same hormonal role as a miscarriage. My FSIL also has RPL (no history of elective termination) and she has been told by her fertility specialist that after a loss of any kind it can take awhile for the body to get back to normal. She gets frustrated because besides the RPL, she can't get pregnant right away afterward.
@Magdalena: Yes, the loss of any pregnancy, by any means - including birth - means that your hormones will be all whacked out for a while. For some women, your ovulation goes into over drive, for some, your periods are delayed/ovulation slows, and then for both your body (usually) evens out again.
But obviously, all I want to say to the OP is this: none of us have a large enough sample pool to tell you anything definitive. Only your doctor/published medical studies from unbiased sources can do that. It really sounds to me like you are having emotional issues not tied to anything medical that you have evidence for. Definitely go talk to a counselor and a Ob/Gyn! :-)
@Sasha2011: Wow, I can't believe the pill was not given to you as an option, given how early you terminated. It is far less invasive/traumatic. I hope your doctor had valid reasons for withholding it.
Your doctor can ABSOLUTELY do a workup on you to test your fertility. If it would make you feel better, I would go in and have them look at your uterine lining and do some bloodowrk. You had a checkup after your surgery, right? Usually they do an ultrsound to look at the uterus about 2 weeks after the procedure to make sure everything is on the up and up.
Hugs to you. I was pregant almost 2 years ago, drinking heavily, and seriously considering abortion. I had a miscarriage before I had to go through with the procedure. My heart goes out to you.
As far as the question about being able to conceive again- I have had three female relatives have an abortion, and all have children afterwards. The first relative did have a miscarriage before she was able to successfully carry a baby to term. The other two have had two children a piece with no issues.
I've never been where you are but I just wanted to give you a little bit of hope! I have 3 close friend who have had abortions, and 2 of them are currently pregnant (one with her second child) and the other has a 5 month old. They are all healthy, beautiful babies.
Thinking of you, wish there was more that I could say, but just wanted to share that.
@Sasha2011: I just wanted to let you know that Project Rachel is not just for women, it is also for male partners who have had their girlfriend/fiancee/wife have an abortion. Maybe you and your FI would consider going to a meeting together? That way you would have someone to go with, and maybe your FI can gain some peace from it too.
*hugs* My friend has had 2 abortions, but a year ago had a beautiful baby girl. :) So it's not impossible.
I've heard good things about Project Rachel too.
Also, there is nothing wrong with you or your fiance crying during counseling. It doesn't make you weaker... sometimes we need to break down to build back up. And sorry for how cheesy that sounds.
I can't speak from personal experience, but I have had a few friends that have had abortions in their early years, then manage to get preggers and have healthy kids, when they were ready. In fact 2 of those friends have 2 abortions; my one friend had one when she was 18 and 21, got married at 26, gave birth to a beautiful boy at 28. My other friend had one at 24 and 27, then went on to have a health boy at 29. They had the same worries that you did. It's only natural.
::hugs::
Thank you so much, Bees!
All this encouragement is DEFINITELY helping put my mind at ease a LOTTTT!! (I cannot even describe to you in words how much you are helping me just by 'being there'!)
I asked one of my cousin to recommend her OB/GYN. So waiting on that. It's hard to find good ones.
I do need to see the OB/GYN anyway as I have another post going about 'pain during sex'. It is true that it never hurted me to do it BEFORE I got pregnant. And even after the abortion it was fine... Slowly over time it became more and more uncomfortable but not so much that I wouldn't enjoy. Then I concocted UTI and the pain took a SHARP turn for the worst!
According to my doc I might have 'Vaginismus'. She recommend just Kegel exercises and lots of fore-play, KY Jelly, and basically to try and relax. But I think I will see an OB/GYN anyway and sort of "kill two birds with one stone".
Yes, I did have that ultrasound post abortion. I had it after about 3-5 weeks after and I was told I am good. I did not ask what they meant by it. I just wanted to get out of there! I assumed it just means that the abortion was 'successful'.
Now that I found out about the pills, I am PISSED off that the abortion clinic did not recommend it to me! I confirmed just 2 weeks into the pregnancy that I ws pregnant! (with a blood test!) I couldn't get a date for the procedure at the clinic for the next 3 weeks. But I sure as hell could've taken the pills though long before that had they told me about it. I AM SO P-I-S-S-E-D! 
(I guess no sense in being upset NOW).
So my plan is that I will go to the OB/GYN first and then go to Project Rachel. The OB/GYN should put my mind at ease somewhat...
my ex's sister had an abortion when she was young and still conceived a child later. Of course, everyone is different, and you're brave for sharing your story. Best thing I can tell you is to check with your doctor.
My heart, too, goes out to you. I had an abortion 1 year before I met my FH, and it was SO HARD for me to tell him, probably because just talking about it brings back all the grief and self hate that comes with the memory... He's always been so supportive, and I have the same fear as you, one day, in the next few years, when we are ready to have children, we won't be able to and it'll be all my fault. .... We've talked about that alot and united we take the position that if we're blessed enough, we'll have a ton of kids :D and if not, then we'll have a house full of dogs and cats and continue to be an awesome auntie/ uncle couple! :)
Most people in my family and life don't know about the abortion still. And even fewer know about the rape at age 18 (my sister, FH and 2 friends). I don't think I'll ever be able to be up front about either. The rape still makes my stomach knot and mind and body freeze, which is sad. FH is very sensitive and loving, especially about that though, which is the best feeling in the world :)
But our bodies and minds heal, and as terrible as the world can be, we are all here because there is at least one amazing person in our life who makes us feel whole and loved like noone else :) Yay FH's!!!!
I had an abortion when I was 25. That was 11 years ago. I am Catholic. I kept all those feelings inside until about 4 years ago. I kept seeing retreats for something called Rachel's Vineyard. I finally went and I was scared to death! But, it was the best thing ever. A priest was there part of the time and for every horrible comment I had about myself, he had a reply. I was not judged, looked down upon, etc. I was allowed to grieve. I left feeling I was worth more than I had in a long time.
I can tell you more if you are interested. Here is the website (different than Project Rachel) www.rachelsvineyard.org
First of all, let me say that I am sorry for your loss and you are definitely not alone. I myself have not been in your shoes, however, I have worked through crises pregnancy centers with women who have and currently have my best friend (a male) grieving the loss of his child from an abortion this summer. Please, contact Rachel's Vineyard. They are an incredible resource for healing for both men and women, all races, faiths, ages, etc. Both you and your FI can attend, which will be important for the two of you to work through together.
Above all, pray, communicate, and continue to not be afraid to talk about this. The loss of a child (no matter the way) is a hard and emotional event. Call Rachel's Vineyard, and know that I and others are praying for you and supporting you.
I had an abortion in feb. of 08. You will never forget the choice. I hope you find peace and are open with your fiance about it. I know that my partner has made regrets I have held on for years disapear just by me telling him everything and allowing me to realize those were events and situations that happened and only I am allowing them to continue to excist. The abortion does not define who you are. It is still hard for me sometimes, but you will have your hands full one day and just be greatful you had a choice then and are healthy now. I just hope you find peace of mind.
So sorry you are grieving BUT I absolutely believe you can find healing through one of the avenues the other Bees mentioned.
I just want to tell you I have a close friend who chose abortion because her marriage was abusive and she did not want to bring a child into that. She, like you, felt tremendous guilt. However, she found the strength to leave her marriage and grieved the loss of the pregnancy. Now she and her new (loving and wonderful!) husband recently they found out they are expecting their first baby together.
You will find your way again! You and your husband deserve all the happiness in the world, including the happiness that a baby (and more babies!) will bring. I wish you peace and healing. {{{HUGS}}}.
www.standupgirl.com There are many young women who post there about their abortions. God bless you and I hope you are able to conceive in the future!
Big hug to you!
I wanted to provide you with a secular support group. The group Exhale was created by woman who have also had abortions.
One more thing (sorry)...perhaps at times, try to remember that you had your abortion at that time so you could be a better parent for your future children. It sounds like you made the right decision at that certain point in your life. And note that one out of three women have had abortions; you are not alone.
I have got to give you mad props for coming forward and expressing your feelings to us bees. I had an abortion when I was 18, and that is the first time I have "said" those words, typewritten or otherwise. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, and I just can't say it out loud. The years following were horrible for me, I hated Mother's DAy I resented my then-boyfriend, the list goes on. I lied and told my whole family and circle of friends that I had a miscarriage, truth was I was in no position at all to have a baby. Then when I was 20 I became pregnant again and had a beautiful baby boy, he literally saved my life! I was going down a bad road at the time, but he made me turn around. I believe you need to talk to an OB/GYN and she can help put to rest all your worries and anxieties. It sounds like you are so so guilt-ridden and you just need to hear some clear facts to put your mind at ease. I went on to have another baby, girl this time, last November. Nowadays, when the guilt comes creeping in about my previous abortion I look at my son and daugher and feel less guilty because if I would have had the first baby, I definetly wouldn't have the two that I have now. So it's a little bit bittersweet.
Thank you ladies for coming out and posting such heartfelt msgs.
I will check out those websites for sure. I feel a bit scared to be honest to even approach a support group 'in person'. So I will branch out from those websites.
It is a very refreshing and supportive feeling to hear so many wonderful and helpful responses.
I, of course did not tell my family. My FI tends to blame himself for it 100% saying he let us get in this situation. I don't feel that is a healthy thought for him but I can't seem to make the effort psychologically myself to make him STOP thinking that way because in a weird way, I do sort of blame him a little bit for not being strong enough for both of us. (I feel terrible!) I don't actually say those words to him. I just say "it's not your fault. we are in this together, etc", but I feel I could express myself so much better to him had I not had those lingering feelings of resentment towards him at times.
So far after reading all these posts and PMs, I do feel a sense of encouragement already that yes, maybe I am not so bad as I make myself out to be. And that though these actions will be with me for the rest of my life, they were done for a realistic reason. Ironically someone at work today happened to mention (we were talking about vacations) that she was pregnant for 3+ weeks and didn't know it. And was busy partying and drinking. (<-- that was my strong reason for getting it done!) Normally I would've ran to the bathroom and cried out feeling more depressed knowing her pregnancy came through and I could've met the same fate had I been smarter. But I didn't do that. I was able to handle this information just fine without breaking into a million emotions. Sincerely, thanks to all of you!!! So far so good. Now I can first start to breathe....
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