(Closed) My abusive brother, a groomsman???

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

No, it’s not required to include siblings in your wedding party. Your bridesmaids and groomsmen should reflect those who are closest and most supportive of you. If you think including him could potentially help heal your relationship, then go for it (IF your FI agrees!) If not, then don’t feel guilty about not including him.

Post # 5
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If I were in your situation, I wouldn’t ask him. To me, a groomsman should be someone you really want by your side the day you get married, not just because other people think it’s the right thing to do. Kudos to him for trying to turn his life around, but if you don’t feel comfortable having him as part of your wedding, or you don’t feel that you can trust him to commit, then I wouldn’t because you will just be stressed. Your mom sees where you are coming from, so maybe your dad eventually will too. I would invite him to the wedding, express you would really like him to be there to share your day, and that’s it. If he shows, great. If not, you don’t seem like you’d be too heartbroken over it. I wouldn’t chance the possibilites of stress this could cause you for your wedding. Have those you really love and want there stand by you. It’s YOUR wedding, so do what is comfortable to YOU!

Post # 6
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If your FI has no relationship with your brother then no he shouldn’t bena groomsman. A groomsman is supposed to be someone the groom is close to and wants up there with him to support him, nor just someone who gets in by default. I have a brother and while we don’t have the same relationship you and yours do, he is not in the wedding party. He is not part of my FIs closest inner circle. In the same way my FIs sister is not in my bridal party. Mine is actually all guys. But he should pick the people he is closest to not just someone who thinks they should be in simply because they are blood related with no relationship as foundation.

Post # 7
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Do not feel guilty for doing what is best for you. 

Just because someone is related to you doesnt give them a free pass to treat you terribly and then expect you to welcome them back with open arms.

None of my 3 sisters or 1 brother are in the wedding party.  My brother and I had a huge falling out years ago due to abuse.  Like your situation, we barely speak.  It does not make sense to me to include someone i barely speak to in the wedding party. 

Post # 8
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

There’s no rule that siblings have to be in the wedding party.  My brother wasn’t one of my husband’s GMs and none of his sisters were bridemaids.

Is your FI close to your dad?  It might be easier if he, as the groom, took charge of communicating the decision, both because your dad can’t really pressure him in the same way and because it’s a reminder that the groomsmen are, well, the groom’s choices.

 

Post # 10
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@GreenEyedMoon:  Well, he can still play the, “I don’t know him from a hole in the ground and don’t like him very much,” card.  Or the, “I don’t know him nearly as wellas I know Bob, and Bob has played a big role in my life,” card.  Or even the “Tough beans, man.  My wedding party, my rules,” card.

Post # 11
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I didn’t ask my sister to be a BM because she treats me like crap.   She didn’t talk to me for over a year, we can still barely stand being in the same room as each other.  My whole family came down on me for it.  I had a mental breakdown and wanted to cancel the whole wedding and elope, and I would have but FI refused.  They had it in their heads her feelings were hurt, which is stupid.  They only backed off when she emailed them and said she didn’t care if she was in the wedding party.

My FMIL told me she got in a fight with her sister and kicked her out of the wedding party before her marriage to my FFIL.  I asked her if she regrets it and she said NO.  And her and her sister are close now.

I have no idea, none, how this could lead to regret.  Even if some major event happens and we start to like each other, at this moment in time we do NOT, and it’s better for my sanity and happiness that she not stand with me and be around me every moment of my wedding day.

My biased advice to you is to stand your ground!  Frankly your FI should be picking his own GM, not your parents.

Post # 12
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you need to do what in your heart you feel is right. You shouldn’t put someone that could potentially make your wedding day uncomfortable in your wedding because someone is demanding it of you. Unless your father is paying for your wedding, he has no right to make such demands. Either way, you should tell him exactly how you feel and see what he says, because while he’s thinking of the regret he felt by not putting his brother in his wedding, he’s not thinking of the hardship he’s putting on you by asking that you invite your brother to be in yours. All of that being said, your parents might be encouraging you to put your brother in your wedding because they think it could be good for his sobriety to feel involved and like you’ve forgiven him. And it really could be good for your brother to feel that. However, if it comes at the expense of your happiness on your wedding day, then that isn’t what you should be doing.

Post # 13
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

(as a compromise I did ask her to give a speech at the reception, which should be an eye-rollin’ good time.  I don’t know why people have to bring demands like this to a wedding that is not their own)

Post # 15
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you do what you and FI want to do.  Could you maybe make him an usher? That still gives him a role, but I don’t think he should be a groomsman based on what you wrote.

Post # 16
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

No, absolutely not. I believe you can forgive him for past offenses if you want to (maybe they were drug-related?) but you do not owe him a role in your wedding.

Your father is trying to sweep what happened under the rug, maybe in an attempt to have everything seem normal. Stand firm on this.

 

 

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