Post # 1
Yes, I get it I’m a terrible person. Say what you will, I’ve already heard it from someone.
That said, I’m bitter against my ex-lover’s wife. My ex-lover “John” and I saw each other intimately for over a year. I knew he had a girlfriend when it began and I was married. He proposed to her (“Rachel”) during our affair and promised me that their wedding wouldn’t change anything. He called me the moment he landed after their “romantic” vacation in South America and even suggested spending a full night togther while she was out of the state organizing the wedding reception venue! What a keeper! Anyhow, I eventually got fed up with the whole situation and broke things off.
I was a guilty and horrible mess and decided that I had to confess to my Darling Husband. By Darling Husband forgave me! We’ve been working on things over the past year and things have gotten great between us again. There was no excuse for my cheating despite the difficulties in our relationship and I know I’m truly blessed to have such a wonderful Darling Husband. Two weeks ago he “proposed” and said he wanted us to have a wedding party. We eloped at the JoP 8 years ago. Needless to say I’m thrilled and began planning right away.
The sad and sick thing is that I regret not telling my ex-lover’s now-wife, Rachel. I didn’t tell her because I knew that my reasons for wanting to tell her were purely selfish to hurt her and John. Unfortunately, now I actually feel bad that Rachel married that cheater. Ugh! He used to talk so badly about her and her mother, using racial slurs and everything. He and I had sex 3 days before he proposed to her and for 8 months thereafter.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but I know too much about their relationship and wedding. I’ve seen photos of their wedding, and I can’t help but compare. I know for a fact my Darling Husband is a far better man and that should be enough. Despite that I keep thinking how my ring is bigger than hers and how my wedding has to be better than hers, more extravagant, better colors, prettier dress, nicer venue, spend more money, etc. These stupid comparisons are ruining my chance to shine as a bride and to move forward with my DH in our rekindled relationship.
Honestly, if I told her she probably wouldn’t believe me and it wouldn’t change how I feel in my relationship and about my wedding. I don’t think “ruining” her life would do anyone any good. I guess I’m trying to figure out how to focus on my husband, wedding and everything instead of letting it be “ruined” by someone who doesn’t know I exist. I’m at wits end on how to let this bad mojo go (for lack of a better term).
Post # 3
Cut off all contact. Defriend on Facebook, stop looking at pictures, delete from phone etc if you have not already done it.
That start saying a mantra to yourself in the mirror. List 3 things you love about your Darling Husband and remind yourself what you are going to do to keep this current relationship together and what you are going to do to focus on you two together.
Everytime you start to think the “bad thoughts” repeat the above mantra to yourself. Its kind of like training yourself to have the right thoughts. With the right thoughts come the right actions.
You can do it.
Post # 4
@Catwoman19: i would suggest talking to a therapist. they can help you work through these feelings of needing to compare to her.
Post # 6
is this for real? Of course you have to tell her. I’m sure your “lover” was soooo faithful to you and only cheated on her with you right? She has the same rights as your husband, you should tell her, at least she will have the info to look for in the future. Have you gotten STD testing? I mean shouldn’t she have the right to know she also should get STD testing?
Post # 7
Honestly I dont think its your place to tell her. You resolved things with the only person that mattters, your husband. Move on, their life should not affect yours.
Post # 8
@Happymrs616: I kind of agree.
It’s not going to do any good to tell her because she won’t believe you. FOR YOU, the best thing you can do is just focus on moving on & not thinking about it and focus on you & Darling Husband. I do think that Rachel deserves to know her husband is a cheater but it’s EXTREMELY likely he’s still cheating, has cheated with not just you, will cheat again…you weren’t an exception. He will get caught or someone else will tell her and it will be an issue that’s more in the present & not the past.
Post # 9
Chances are pretty good that she already knows something. Whether she’s ready to admit it or not is a different question. Worry about your own relationship and forget about them. It’s the least you can do for your husband.
Post # 10
Thank you. You all are right. It’s all in the past. That whole affair was a HUGE mistake and despite the blow to my ego, I know I’m not the first or last. I’m STD free, got tested. It’s just not my place to tell her.
I never thought in a million years that Darling Husband would forgive me, and I was terrified to tell him. I’m going to focus on my Darling Husband and everything I can do for him. He absolutely deserves for me to do all I can to be a good wife to him. I’ll remember your suggestions. I’m so glad to have some unbiased advice and thank you again.
Post # 11
@Catwoman19: It’s not your place to tell her. Yes she deserves to know the truth, but she knows nothing about you and you telling her will do nothing to help her, it will only ease your guilt. Her scumbag husband will spin some story and she will believe him over you unless he’s currently cheating and she already suspects it. Stop compairing yourself to this woman, and focus on your husband and your marriage. If you can’t do that on your own, then seek help to accomplish this.
Post # 12
I suggest seeing a marital therapist to help resolve these issues. I’m not sure you need to bring your Fiance… you can just go yourself.
Post # 13
@Catwoman19: I would want to know. Woman to woman, I would want you to tell me. She might not believe you, but why does that matter? At least she will have been warned. She can either ignore it and hide her head in the sand, or she can start paying closer attention to his behavior and decide for herself what it means. Maybe she has thought something was going on, but felt guilty for being suspicious, or maybe he convinced her she’s crazy. You could give her the confidence and assurance she needs to take care of herself. And if she doesn’t believe it and just hates you, who cares? You don’t know her, so it won’t affect your life, and at least you will know you tried.
Post # 14
i wouldnt tell her… chances are she wont believe you…
Post # 15
This is between her and her husband. It is none of your business, and even if you were still shagging him on the side, it is still none of your business.
I do not believe that you have this desire for alturistic reasons. I suspect that your affair has caused you great pain (even if you appear to be well on your way to repairing your marriage and moving on), and you have resentment that your partner in that pain has gotten off scot free. What he told you about her is irrelevant. How do you know he wasn’t lying or just telling you what he thought you would want to hear?
Stop looking at pictures of her, them and their wedding and move on with your own life.