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Ladies, I'm sorry to anyone I offended with my previous post. My curiosity rose from seeing many people around me, including my mother, go through second weddings. It was not born out of any malice. My post, though perhaps ill phrased, was really aimed at getting a survey of what encore brides were feeling and why exactly they were chosing--if they were chosing--to have a second white wedding. I also mentioned that I thought a celebration of giving it your all once more, having a never-married husband, setting an example for your kids, and other reasons people posted made a lot of sense. All of these were things I wrote in the previous post but no one read.
No offense taken, especially since I have been married THREE times! I wore royal purple for my second wedding and champagne for my third!
People have a habit of jumping on someone who posts something they disagree with, whether they've read the whole post or read it correctly. or not.
You asked an honest question.
Just because someone has a different point of view, or asks a question (however it is phrased )does not make it offensive or rude.
Don't lose any sleep over the postings of strangers.
I wasn't offended. My post was basically just going through the reasons why my second wedding felt like such a huge celebration, even though it was not my first.
Also, from my perspective, it is normal (and probably even a good thing) for first-time brides to have a certain amount of emotional, even if not intellectual, negativity toward encores. After all, you would like to believe that if you just try enough/care enough/do the right things, your marriage will last. Your own marriage is probably strengthened by that attitude. So hearing that some women have tried and cared and done all the right things, but still ended up divorced, is just not something a first time bride really wants to hear.
@julies1949: Haha! YES!
@babymilka74: I'm really sorry people felt the need to jump down your throat. I'm not an encore bride, but I felt you were simply asking a question. Even if it was poorly phrased, it's sad that people can't ask questions w/out getting ripped on.
ETA: I found it funny that the majority of those that were pissed off aren't even encore brides themselves. Kudos to the encore brides who answered OP's question w/out being snarky.
I was surprised by how you phrased thing but forgot about it like ten seconds after I posted. I read your second post but still thought you may have went in with a little bit of a negative attitude towards encore brides.
That being said, you can scroll through the boards and find out quickly everybody is offended by something, and everybody likes to debate! I wouldn't worry about it at all. Its nice of you to apologize!
I'm an encore bride twice over and I didn't find it offensive. However, it's really sweet of you to take the time to smooth things over.
Don't sweat it, ok? Sometimes our fingers move faster than our brains do. It was obvious from the tone of your post that you weren't actually poking at people maliciously. At least I thought so. If you knew how many times I'd picked the wrong word at the wrong time... well, you'd know why I understand. ;)
No harm, no foul. :)
Everyone is entitled to their opinion and even out of curiosity, weddings are a personal reflection of the couple. There is no reason to question anyone's decisions that are made to plan their own weddings.
Please also remember that in many cultures white is not the color brides wear. Also white signifies virginity and I bet if you took a poll, most brides are not virgins when they marry. Although let me stress, that is not anyone's business but their own and once again, who are we to question their decision.
I am all for dialogue and difference of opinion, but your curiosity resulted in many hurt feelings. Do you have your answer or just a long list of bees that felt the need to defend themselves.
I'm glad that you felt compelled to apologize, but it would not have been neessary if you had taken other persons' feelings into consideration.
Enough said and I accept your apology. I do hope that with that apology comes sincere well wishes for a wonderul marriage. I do hope that you and your husband are happy and you will never have to experience the pain many women on this board have had to endure from the breakup of a previous marriage.
Trust and believe that after having endured the break up of your marriage for whatever reason, to find love again is a blessing that no one should ever question.
God bless you and thank you for my opportunity to respond.
Sorry, Sweets. You are probably going to be feeling stings from that one for a long time still. I personally wasn't bc of my own self esteem, takes a lot more than that to make me feel ill about what I'm doing (encore bride getting married to encore groom and we BOTH want this wedding). But I can see how someone else might be. Every one of us is entitled to our opinions, our views, whether we get offended or whether we don't. You have the right to ask anyone anything at anytime, just be prepared for what they have to say bc they have the right to answer you (shoulder shrugs).
@DeaconBride: I understand that weddings are personal but this is a voluntary sharing community so I don't think that asking about them is out of the question.
@babymilka74: Im not an encore bride but i saw your post and was offended by how many people were so rude to you....it was an innocent question and i wonder the same thing sometimes to (my grandmother got remarried and for her second wedding she got rid of all the "fluff" and stuck with vows and family as she had done the "whole shebang" before...) Im sure thats all you were asking but weddingbee is pretty awful for bringing you down when you ask about something thats "against the grain"
I saw your post as well and was pretty appalled by how so many people jumped on you. It seems like you just had an honest question and didn't mean to offend anyone. You even went out of your way to create an apology board...kudos to you for taking the high road :) You apologized and didn't mean any harm so don't let it get to you. It's unfortunate that people were offended but you didn't mean any harm.
I don't think anyone was rude. She just got what she asked for. Anytime you go into a section made for a certain demographic and then start a post, "I don't mean to offend..." you are most likely going to piss someone off. Asking why encore brides are even doing it again and posting divorce stats for encore brides in the encore bride section is going to cause drama. Just like when someone comes and asks what's the point of the waiting boards. You are going to piss a lot of people off. And that goes for anyone. People would jump on a religious person if they went into the LBGT section and posted a question basically calling same sex marriage pointless because God doesn't like it. Or going into to secular section and asking what's the point if they don't even believe in God. Or going into the full figured section and asking why brides complain about higher prices for plus size gowns when they could just lose weight. It's all uncalled for. But you apologized so it's all good. I would stay away from posting anything that has to have a disclaimer "I don't mean to offend"
I read through that post. It defintely got a little nuts over there. I think it was obvious that you were trying to word it politely, especially after a few people were upset. To me, reading through your post, it seemed innocent enough. I suppose in your case curiousity killed the cat. =[
I've been guilty of being a little too upst over what people have posted, so I know that when you first respond, it may come off a bit more rude than you'd like later. But I wish I had seen a few more, "Your post upsets me and here's why," than, "This posts sucks."
It's nice that you had the guts to apologize.
@Miss Tattoo: I never posted stats about marriage and I never criticized encore brides. I started by saying my mom whom I adore and admire and support is an encore bride. I was asking for people to share their experiences with me, and I think many understood that and did. For those that didn't, I created an apology post. That's all there is to it.
@babymilka74: I hope that my response to your encore thread was not harsh/offensive to you. I only added a few thoughts as to why encore brides may have a second big wedding from the perspective of a first-time bride (since you'd originally mentioned that many first-time brides may felt the same and my opinion was different), but I did not intend to get at you. I think it's cool that you posted an apology, I hope one thread didn't sour the bee for you.
i only read through parts of this post and the last. but without aligning with one person or the next, just thought i would point out that the phrase the OP used "the whole charade", should offend (if one is to get offended at all - i'm not) first and encore brides equally. Because basically when the second wedding is referred to "going through the whole charade again", it implies that first one was also a charade!
@PutABirdOnIt: way to call someone out on "not much of maturity" when you post something like this...uncalled for.
@Baileyh: I was thinking the same thing... Can't this just all come to an end? It's not going to get anywhere. She made a mistake and apologized... what else would you like her to do?
@mrbee Is it really necessary to keep this thread open for this poor girl to keep being attacked? I think she has heard enough from both sides.
I'm not an encore bride, but I didn't find the OP's post offensive. She did not post the statistic- she was simply asking "why?" Weddings are a lot of work and tend to bring out the best/worst in people. I think a lot of encores explained themselves very well, especially Miss Lox who is my favorite bee at the moment. She explains things with a level of maturity I admire.
As an aside, another poster stated "she/he got what they asked for.." this sounds very bitter.
@Tswife4ever: I was very offended at your comment in the previous thread about your example on "why dont people post in the full figured section.. blah blah". As a full figured bride, whos to day I had a problem finding a dress? That was completely unnecessary and hurtful. What you did was categorize a certain group of people by their weight which was hurtful whether you meant it to come across like that or not.
That was sarcasm. Her entire point was that it was rude to categorize people based on 1 thing and ask why they do anything.
@maureen9004: Agreed. Terribly snarky attitude.
In terms of the OP, perhaps she wanted to learn something and hear others perspectives. Unfortunately there are a lot of people on here that can't seem to have a normal conversation without taking it personal, getting angry and confrontational. I'd be more ashamed for acting like that on a forum that asking some valid questions.
I was one of the offended responses over there.
I believe anyone calling a celebration of the sacrament of marriage "a charade" is going to cause offense no matter if we are talking about first marriage or an encore marriage. Secondly for the majority of us divorce was something that leaves long term deep scars and issues and the fact that we are willing to go out and believe in the joy and sanctity of marriage again is a triumph to the human spirit.
The OP I think did not think before she wrote and has never taken a moment to be in her mom's shoes or anyone elses.
So I am assuming that if you have a miscarriage you should not try and get pregnant again etc etc.
I am sorry but while I accept your apology I hope you have learned to consider the impact your words will have on other people and maybe gain from the experience.
@unixfairy: So I am assuming that if you have a miscarriage you should not try and get pregnant again etc etc.
correct me if i am wrong, but this analogy would mean that the OP said people who have been married before should not get married again. but she never said that.
I don't understand why it is a valid question in the first place. I am REALLY hoping that I don't come off as rude. I understand that she was asking a so called innocent question because she is curious.I am not an encore bride, but my father has been married three times. What I don't understand is why it matters to anyone else why two people decide to get married. There are hundreds of answers of why brides get married a second or third time and what type of wedding they decide to have. I just don't understand the relevancy of the question.
@unixfairy: you were upset bc you took it out of context. Like I posted earlier, when my grandmother got remarried she didnt do the whole"cherade" as the OP labelled it. My grandmother focused on family and the vows, the marriage, rather then the wedding bc she had done that already. All the OP wanted to know (I assume) is why an encore bride would choose to go through the whole "cherade" (as in all the rings and bells again). and alot of encore brides posted things about family or it being there FI first wedding etc. Some posted constructive criticism with answers and others chose to attack the OP, almost like they had to defend something.
SHE WAS NOT...not even in the SLIGHTEST stating anything along the lines of "hey you have been married once you shouldnt do it again"
Actually go reread the post
She states clearly that if she went through a divorce she doubts she would ever get remarried and then goes on to call weddings a charade. The strong implication is that having failed once at marriage we are failures and attempting it again is a charade.
It was immature and thoughtless and I hope she never ever is in that situation herself.
@unixfairy: And to the others...I don't think she was calling marriage a charade. She was probably referring to all the hoop-la that goes along with it in terms of the planning, details, diy stuff, all the work involved in a wedding.
People really need to get over this...over the word "charade"? Please tell me there is something else in your life that you care about more than getting worked up over someone's posting (who mind you hasn't really been rude, snarky at all). You know, my dad is dying of terminal cancer right now and I say who gives a S__T if someone uses the word charade in their postiing. Yeah...not me. I've got better things to feel offended by and emotional about it. Point being....really? You need to be rude and snarky to someone on here just because of that posting?
@unixfairy: She wasnt knocking getting remairred after a divorce she just was saying she wouldnt go out and do the 2000.00 dress with millions of flowers and having a "big day" with tons of guests or as she called it a cherade.
Either way, the topic is moot as she apologized.
@Baileyh: I respect your opinion.
However you can read her post more than one way and to me and several other people the post summarized was don't you feel weird about not only getting married again but making a big deal of it.
Our answer was unanimously no we do not feel weird and making a big deal about it.
I accepted her apology however if apologizing made all of the hurtful ugly words in the world go away it would be a much simpler place eh?
I have said my peace on this and certainly do not want to beat it to death but I hope everyone will think before they speak - it was an out of the blue comment and if she was truly simply curious there is some tactful way to ask that question.
Happy wedding planning to you and hopefully we can cry pax
@Miss tattoo imho you have been really rude esp with regards to your fuller figure bride comment.
The original poster just asked a question and you as did some others used it as an oportunity to attack her.
Your comparison to what she said and to what you said about fully figured brides is ridiculous.
Personally I don't know why you have come over to her apology post to attack her again.
You have had your say, I dont see why you keep going
I actually understood why you asked the question. My FH is an encore groom and this is my first marriage. I thought going into the wedding planning process that he would not want a big white wedding as he had done it before, I was way off. He wanted the big wedding because he absolutely hated his first wedding. In his words it was really "Tacky". This time around, for him at least, we are having a larger black tie wedding with all the pomp and circumstance. He has been as excited about the whole wedding process as I am and has been very involved.
@unixfairy: Im not sure if you saw her posts in thread, but Im almost positive the OP actually apologized in thread that she meant charade to mean shebang, or shindig, or event...something to that effect.
In fact she apologized in thread quite a bit from what I saw.
Just my two cents, but honestly I think she was just being curious; its been my experience here that most mal-intended posts either the OP doesnt come to answer for what she said or even try to apologize. Here she not only apologized in thread, but also in a seperate thread. I think she has done enough, seeing that her intent wasnt malignant. Im also a firm believer in tact, and I think because she is unexperienced in the boards and how to phrase things that her attempt to be cautious and tactful wasnt nearly as careful for the boards as most have come to expect. I am sorry on her behalf that so many people were upset over what seems to be an honest to goodness mistake on her phrasing.
I also concur with others that some of these remarks are quite uncalled for, especially for someone being genuinely forthcoming about an apology-most people wouldnt even bother, and I think that its a sign of good faith on her part.
again just IMHO :)
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