Post # 1
Just looking to rant/get some advice, may be a long post sorry in advance! So my best friend (we met in highschool and became really close when we went to University together) hasn’t spoken to me in about a month. When I first got engaged she was actually the first person I told. She had an awesome reaction, was super excited for us basically everything you’d expect. When we announced the engagement on Facebook after telling close family and friends she posted a really sweet photo of us and gushed about how excited she was I was engaged and couldn’t wait to start planning the wedding with me.
We had plans to go to lunch a few days later to celebrate so the day before I messaged her to ask if we were still on. She said something came up (totally understandable) so I asked when she’d like to reschedule. She said she didn’t know, so I dropped it and changed the subject. I got a few one word responses and the convo fizzled out (again no big deal). I’ve attempted to message her a few times since and nothing! She hasn’t responded to any messages and calls but has been very active on social media about what a boring summer she’s having and how she’s been lazing around all day (hence how I know she isn’t busy/nothing traumatic is going on in her life). She also deleted all her comments on my engagement related postings and the post she had made congratulating us on our engagement. She is often very hot and cold with people (she admits she phases people in and out depending on what suits her). She has done similar things before, ignoring me for weeks as it suits her but I didn’t expect her to react like that for no reason during a really important time in my life. I had hoped she would be there for me and share in my excitment.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this but I just don’t know how to take it. This is the happiest time in my life and I wanted to share that with her but she doesn’t seem interested. At first I thought maybe I was being too “wedding absorbed” but looking through our last conversations I asked numerous times about her SO, her family, etc. and wasn’t totally focused on me and my news (I try and be aware as I can of the fact that my engagement/wedding isn’t the centre of the universe for anyone but me and my FI and try not to be that person who only talks about herself). Anyone had something similar happen? Should I keep trying to contact her or just leave it alone? Should I still try and include her in wedding stuff or be thankful I realized how she is now before I rely on her for the wedding? Thanks bees!
Post # 2
Maybe she is going through something and hasnt told you because she doesnt want to ruin your time of excitement? OR…I dont like the jealousy crap that most women assume but maybe she does feel a way if her relationship isnt going so well? I know one of my good friends (she was a bridesmaid) had come out of an engagement at the same time I got engaged so she did ask me if I wouldnt talk about it for a while. It was weird at first but then I realized she was really going through a hard time.
Post # 3
FutureMrs.Cammack: If she runs hot/cold, I definitely wouldn’t depend on her at all. Is she feeling jealous? Has she been waiting for a proposal? Maybe she’s depressed? Maybe you could stop by and see her in person? I hope she will share in your wedding day happiness with you.
Post # 4
gelaine22: She and her SO are currently long distance, he’s coming back home at the end of the month. I know she is having some issues with his family and at first I did think that maybe she was not messaging me back so her “bad mood” wouldn’t rub off on me.
However, when she deleted all her comments on my engagement related posts and deleted the congratulatory post she made I started to think that wasn’t the case. Also her social media activity has been pretty upbeat lately and she’s been very friendly with other people online while completely ignoring anything I say/do relating to the wedding as well as my messages. However, it could absolutely be similar to your experience, maybe giving her time will be the best thing. Thanks for the response 🙂
Post # 5
creativeplannertobee: My FI said the same thing about having her in the wedding. His view was if she can act like this with no explanation right after the engagement how will she act if she gets upset about something related to wedding planning. I for sure don’t want someone so hot and cold helping plan my wedding, I had just always hoped the “hot cold” thing wouldn’t happen during big moments when we really needed each other.
I’ll take your advice and try and stop by her place sometime next week and see if she’ll at least speak to me then so we can try and work it out. Thank for the advice, I hope she will share in my happiness as well it would mean a lot to me.
Post # 6
You need to talk to her.
Maybe she doesn’t want to be in the bridal party. Maybe she does want to be in the bridal party and has somehow decided she hasn’t been asked yet so she’s assumed she’s not in. Maybe she’s upset over the lack of progress in her relationship.
Either way, you need to talk to her instead of rely on facebook and text, and find out what’s up. I know you’ve tried once, but I think you need to try again.
Lack of facebook response doesn’t mean she’ll bail on you if you ask her to be a bridesmaid. (And as you’ll hear over and over here, it’s not up to her to help plan the wedding, though obviously she should still be a supportive friend).
Post # 7
Deleting the comments/posts is just plain weird! If she was just distant or out of touch I wouldn’t think too much of it, but deleting is actively cutting you out!
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer's Beach, Grand Cayman
A lot of people tend to fall out of your life when they feel like they can’t relate to you as much anymore. One of my close friends is recently engaged and her best friend has been distant ever since and when I got separated from my ex my so called best friend dropped out of my life, telling people she didn’t see us as friends now that I was single. It’s messed up.
Post # 9
aussiemum1248: I’ve tried calling a few times and left a few voicemails without any acknowledgement or response, however I do agree I should try in person before writing her off. I actually am not having a bridal party other than my little sister as MOH but she has expressed interest in helping make plans – if she doesn’t want to anymore that would be fine with me! I’d love for her just to be a guest and enjoy herself if should would rather. Hopefully talking to her in person will get a better result!
Post # 10
eeniebeans: Right! I thought that was so weird too, it was my first red flag that something more than just getting busy and falling out of touch was going on!
peegee: That is so messed up, you’d think a friend would be even more supportive when you were getting separated since that’s such a difficult/stressful time in your life! Thanks for sharing the personal experience, if this is the case with my friend I’ll just have to accept we don’t relate the same anymore
Post # 11
I have a thought about the facbook posts: after commenting on your post, facebook will continually notify her each time when other people comment on the post– I don’t think she wants updates and you already saw her comments so she thought it was ok to delete.
I think she’s depressed about her own situation and that’s why she’s avoiding you. When she talks to you (or sees those FB updates) she’s reminded or her disappointing situation and it hurts.
Post # 12
yumcheez: I hadn’t even thought that about the facebook posts thank you 🙂
Post # 13
Yeah, this sounds like me when my BFF got engaged. She’d gotten engaged to a guy she’d been dating for a few months, and I had been with FI for about five years and it was starting to become a sore point in our relationship that he hadn’t proposed yet. So when my BFF got engaged, I was happy for her, but also couldn’t help being a little jealous and reminded of my own disappointment. So I wasn’t exactly effusing all over social media about it and while I wouldn’t have cancelled plans to meet up with her, I could understand wanting to take a little time to basically get over it.
And I wouldn’t take her apparent ‘upbeat’ social media activity as a sign that she’s not unhappy. Social media is a constructed face we present to the world and a lot of people overcompensate to hide unhappiness, imo.
Post # 14
Since she’s admitted to being hot and cold with people, I think the best thing to do is assume that she’s running cold right now and act accordingly. By ‘act accordingly’ I mean that you should try to accept the fact that she’s not present in your life right now and continue as you were.
Enjoy your engagement, plan your wedding, choose your bridal party, and try not to think too much about what she’s doing. She’ll probably show up eventually, since that’s her pattern, so don’t stress about what’s going on with her.
If she comes back into your life and wants to be a bridesmaid, be cautious. She could be a liability if you have her in the wedding party.
Post # 15
FutureMrs.Cammack: I’m curious to know apart from your engagement post what other related wedding posts are you putting on FB? It’s only been a month? I will say even as a bride to be nothing annoys me more than constant engagement/wedding talk from ppl on Fb. i will say at the start I told everyone everything and after about a month one of my good friends started to back away abit. She’s waiting to get engaged. I completely stopped all wedding talk and only mention it now if she brings it up. I’m not having bridesmaids so not as if she needs a run down of the wedding every time we speak. Some ppl for whatever reason after the initial excitement have other stuff going on that means they’re not that excited about all the wedding details like the cake, invites etc you’re getting. Save the wedding talk for ppl who are excited by this. I’d just leave her off for a few week’s until she makes contact with you. That’s what I did with my friend and she got back in touch. We met for coffee and she admitted she’ sat a complete stand still in he relationship aNd while she is excited for her friends it is hard to take too. I admitted I went on about it wayyy to much and we had a lovely Coffee and are back to normal