- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2011
I’ve known my best friend since we were little kids. We’ve grown up together, and are literally like family. It’s a friendship that anyone would be blessed to have. We understand each other inside out. He is gay and I’m a straight woman, for reference. He’s friends with my husband and even works with us – my husband is very supportive of our friendship and doesn’t have jealousy problems. However, both myself and my friend have found out through past bad relationships that a our friendship will drive a toxic person to the brink of jealous insanity.
This is where we are today. BFF (I know it’s stupid but I don’t want to come up with a code name for him) has been dating The Boyfriend for a year now. The Boyfriend is 14 years older (40 year old dating a 26 year old), has a long history of abusing drugs (including meth, but does not do them now) and is currently an active alcoholic.
At first, everything was fine. We would all go out together and have a good time. I never really saw any of the negative aspects of The Boyfriend. In fact, I opened my heart with trust and gave him the benefit of the doubt just because he was dating BFF. It usually takes a lot to earn my friendship. But it seemed like we really got along, and The Boyfriend was acting like he was really making an effort to get to know his partner’s best friend.
About six months ago, I realized BFF wasn’t calling me as much as he used to. We didn’t hang out as often. If I called when The Boyfriend was around, BFF would get off the phone within 2-3 minutes, all the while not talking or sounding like himself. I could always tell when The Boyfriend was around because his demeanor changed. I didn’t make that much of it, thinking they were just enjoying the relationship and wanting to spend that extra time together. This was before I saw any other red flags or heard of what was going on.
Over the summer, BFF started complaining about The Boyfriend to me. The Boyfriend would fly into rages over tiny things, ranting for hours. He drank a lot. He moped. Oh, how The Boyfriend mopes. The attention needs to be on The Boyfriend at all times. He mopes and sulks to punish BFF for hanging out with friends, talking on the phone, texting, or using the internet. The Boyfriend accused BFF of having an “online boyfriend” and multiple other “boyfriends”.
To go into a full description of all the crazy things The Boyfriend has done would make this post absolutely massive. By now, you must already be shaking your head thinking “The Boyfriend is a psycho”. So let’s just flash forward to now, because you will be shocked by what has happened.
The Boyfriend had a birthday a few weeks ago. Well, it was more like a Birthday Week, because for days, everything had to be centered around Celebrating The Boyfriend’s Birthday. This all culminated with a birthday “party” which consisted of The Boyfriend showing his truely insane passive aggressive nature and lashing out at his guests and my BFF. I can’t even detail the drama of that night because again, I’d be writing a novel.
After the Birthday, The Boyfriend flew off the handle mentally. Whatever was left of his mental house of cards came crashing down. He accused my BFF of having a sexual affair with me. To be perfectly clear, my BFF has no sexual interest in me or women in general. At all. BFF called him out for being crazy. Then, The Boyfriend’s theory changed to ME trying to seduce BFF as if I was an evil enchantress. When confronted by BFF again, The Boyfriend changed his mind – maybe we weren’t having a PHYSICAL affair, but we definitely were having an emotional affair. He TRASHED me to my BFF and told him I don’t have his best interest at heart (farthest thing from the truth). The Boyfriend screamed that “I (meaning ME) am DEAD TO HIM!”. The insanity of this, the sheer delusion, is incomprehensible. I have done nothing to slight the boyfriend. It’s all a pathetic display of a jealous psychosis. BFF works for my husband and The Boyfriend accuses ME of changing BFF’s work schedule in a conspiracy to keep BFF away from The Boyfriend.
In short, I am terrified for my BFF. It took even ME a while to fully see it, despite seeming obvious, but The Boyfriend is a toxic person, and he is abusive. I’ve seen a CHANGE in my BFF. He is more downtrodden. He has no self esteem and can barely stand up for himself, which is frightening. He complains about The Boyfriend’s crazy behavior and then says things like “But you don’t see his good side”, “I know he can change”, “I feel like we’re supposed to be together”. Meanwhile, I’m in the scary position of seeing the truth. The Boyfriend is isolating BFF from his friends and family. He makes him feel like shit for going out with friends and will punish him with sulking, moping, and passive aggressive texts. The Boyfriend will retreat to his mom’s house to punish BFF for normal social interactions. He seethes with constant negativity which zaps my friend of energy. BFF says he’s scared to look out of the car window for fear that The Boyfriend will berate him for “checking someone out”. The Boyfriend has no interest in connecting with BFF’s life, he only wants BFF to himself. He wants to isolate and own him. The Boyfriend has a different set of standards and rules for himself than for my BFF. The Boyfriend is allowed to have friends and family over and do exactly as he pleases. My BFF thinks The Boyfriend really loves him…but he doesn’t. It’s a sick obsession. The Boyfriend doesn’t care to know my BFF for the wonderful, amazing, unique and gorgeous person he is; he’s only interested in having him as a possession.
I’m just at my wit’s end with this…I can’t sleep, I’m reading all kinds of things about emotional abuse and The Boyfriend matches every description, point by point. I called BFF’s sister breaking down in tears and told her what was going on, so at least she is now involved…but I think BFF is addicted to toxic relationships. His last boyfriend was violent with him. BFF is caught up in a stupid notion that he can “change people”. But with his last relationship, he called it off and never looked back. In this one, he is literally LOSING himself day by day by day. I’ve never seen him like this and it’s terrifying.
I don’t know what to do.