Post # 1
So, as the title says, my best friend is having an affair (or whatever you want to call it) with a married man. She is single. He is married and has been for over 10 years and has 2 children. I really do not approve of this at all and I hate both of their behavior. I’m not really sure what to do about this as her friend. I want to be able to listen to and give her advice as we have always done during our long friendship, but she does not want to stop the affair or hear anything negative I have to say about it. She does not believe she is doing anything wrong, she believes that he is justified because he is unhappy in the marriage and only stays with his wife for the children, and she has no intention of ending the relationship any time soon.
I feel like telling her that I can’t talk about her relationship anymore because I disapprove of it in every way, but I’m afraid of what that will mean for our friendship. How I can support her and be her friend while not supporting her relationship? I am at a loss and find myself avoiding her phone calls now. I’m not sure what to do and would love some advice from you guys!
Post # 3
@peasantsong: Sadly if she honestly believes that she isn’t doing anything wrong, well you won’t be able to sway her in any way. It isn’t even my friend but it still bothers me. One suggestion I can make is contacting his wife and telling her that he’s cheating. That is if you are comfortable being the little bird, because it’s not fair to the wife or their children. Honestly if he were unhappy he wouldn’t stay with his wife, go home to her and his children every night, sleep in the same bed as her, and you can try to point those things out to her.
Stay strong because you could very well lose a good friend.
Post # 4
Tricky situation! I would probably just hope it blows over soon! I am not great at keeping my mouth shut lol.
Does she think he’s going to leave his wife for her? Seems like she’s not living in reality. If she brings it up I’d just remind her that the longer she’s with him, the harder it’ll be when they finally do break up. She is wasting her time. It probably seems all exciting and fun right now.. but if she has half a brain, she’ll get out once she realizes it isn’t going anywhere.
Post # 5
@peasantsong: There must be other things to talk about. When I’m in this sort of situation (not your friend’s situation, but when a person makes life decisions I disagree with) I voice my disapproval, but other than that we talk about other things.
If I broke off a friendship every time someone did something I didn’t approve of, I wouldn’t have many friends (or family members) left.
Post # 6
Having grown up with my father’s infidelity completely wrecking my family, I would not be able to be friends with this person. I also agree with PP who said tell the wife. I know it’s none of your business, blah, blah, blah, but wouldn’t you want to know before you wasted any more time (and possibly money) on someone who was breaking their vows? Also, just because she doesn’t know doesn’t mean the kids don’t.
Post # 7
I think it is wrong to date a married man..however, I believe that it is none of your business; and I don’t think you should tell her what to do, or discuss this issue with other people..
If you feel uncomfortable listening about her relationships..you can tell her that you don’t want to know any details from her…and that she shouldn’t bring it up when two of you spend time together..
we are all adults…we make choices for ourselves..sometimes bad ones..But even in the situation like that nobody has a right to judge others…we never know how our life will turn out..
Post # 8
“Suzie, I love you as a friend, but you know I don’t approve. You are a grown up and will make your own choices. However, I don’t want to hear about this relationship. I hope we can still be friends and talk about other things.”
Post # 9
@peasantsong: Haha, that’s hilarious! He’s unhappy in his long marriage with kids, so cheating isn’t bad?
My Dad started cheating on my Mom when she was in the hospital (we thought) dying of cancer (she pulled through and is still alive 17 years later!). Believe it or not, they’re still together!
I would tell her you love her, but that you just can’t listen to stories/drama about him. It’s her (bad) decision to make.
Post # 10
@peasantsong: honestly though, she’s not doing anything wrong…he is. Yes it’s gross, but he’s the one cheating on his wife.
ETA: do not tell the wife. It’s absolutely none of your business. You don’t know anything about their marriage, maybe she already knows and is fine with it. I think you should stay out of it.
Post # 11
I don’t think you should say anything, unless she asks for your opinion. It’s her life, her relationship and as a friend, all you should do is be there for her.
If it really bothers you that much, you could back away from the relationship and set up some boundaries. Spend less time with her, less phone conversations, etc.
I’ve done pretty shitty things, and my friends supported me through those experiences and it meant the world to me. For a friend to turn their back on me for something they don’t approve of would make me think THEY were the bad friend, not me.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@peasantsong: I agree with how you want to treat the situation. I wouldn’t agree with the situation either but since you disagree about it, so long as every other aspect of your friendship is good, then just make her relationship with the married man a non-topic and refuse to discuss it with her. It may hurt her feelings but I would rather be honest with my friend then lie to her face and act like everything is okay and then think bad things about her behind her back. I would probably start limiting my relationship with her anyway because I don’t approve of cheating/adultery.
Post # 13
Do not talk about her relationship in a positive light at all, if she brings it up tell her you don’t want to hear it, because what she is doing is WRONG. I suppose you can’t avoid her altogether as she is your best friend, but hang out with her a lot less. Maybe that will get it into her head that she is helping this man destroy his family.
Post # 14
I’d probably just try to avoid the topic and change topics if she brings him up
Post # 15
Sometimes when friends do very reprehensible things, it is hard to continue the friendship.
I tried to be friends with this woman who was having an affair with a married man. Hearing her naive, selfish and foolish words about the affair was just too much for me.
Growing up seeing infidelity is likely why it turns my stomach.
Perhaps you can say to your friend: “I love you but I don’t approve of your affair and I don’t want to hear about it.”
Post # 16
To all who have suggested that I tell the wife – I might consider doing so If I knew him or his wife. My friend lives in a different state so I have never met her … whatever he is.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is her complete lack of empathy towards the wife. It troubles me to hear no remorse from her over her part in the eventual fallout this relationship will have for her or the children. She really just doesn’t seem to care. And that makes me think less of her as person. I don’t want to lose a friend I have had for such a long, long time, but I don’t know if I want to be friends with someone who could be so heartless.
@SashaUSARu: I do believe that my friend makes it my business when she calls me specifically to talk about and to hear my advice about her relationship. And yes, I am terribly disappointed in her actions as I would be if anyone I loved did something like this. I can’t help feeling the way I feel, whether you call it judgement or not.