Post # 1
Ok – so I am asking for your guys’ advice – because I’ve tried but apparently just don’t know what to say anymore.
I’m going to try and NOT go into details – but my best friend and her husband…well – she’s at the point where she just doesn’t even want to go home. She’d rather drive around in circles all night long than go home.
He’s pretty much become an insensitive jerk who refuses to communicate with her. They’ve been married for 3 years and are in their 20’s.
I know one thing is – he’s become OBSESSED with working out and eating a very specific diet…so much that they do NOT eat meals together – he eats ONLY chicken or lean hamburger patty & frozen vegees – and usually in about 3 minutes time. They don’t eat meals together at all – and she’s asked him to before – but he just won’t. He also works out like 4 hours a day too. she can’t even TRY to make a recipe for them to eat together because he refuses to eat anything that’s not on his diet.
She, on the other hand – has actually GAINED a significant amount of weight in a very short period of time.
thing is – this has ONLY happened in the past year and a half and they’ve been married for 3.
they are also used to spending every single second together when they’re not working. this is one thing I told her is that they NEED to have things in their life they do separately – including only ONE should do the shopping weekly and ONE should do errands, etc…
but i think the biggest thing is his OCD of his exercise/diet regime.
Now – I can fully understand HIS side – mainly because I myself am OCD and eat a very specific low-carb diet…BUT at the same time – I know the balance to make sure it’s not ruining my relationship. Thing is, of course, I can’t talk to him and she won’t let it go.
she’s almost to the point where she keeps talking about getting “out” of their relationship (um you’re married! can’t do that too easily ya know!)…
It absolutely tears me up to see her going through this – but I just don’t know what to do.
Anyone have any advice I can give her?
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
He may have an eating disorder. If she can, she needs to try to convince him to get into counseling. Treating eating disorders is as difficult as treating addiction… if she can’t convince him to get help, she might not be so off-base in considering “getting out.” 🙁
I hope it works out okay for your friend!
Post # 4
It’s always hard when you see your friends going through relationship problems and you don’t know how to help them.
From what you’re describing, it sounds like your friend’s husband may have some sort of eating disorder/compulsive exercizing going on. I’m no expert, but I think there’s a difference between eating healthy/working out and working out for 4 hours a day and eating so restrictively. If it sounds like what he’s doing is impacting their relationship negatively, then it’s a problem they should try to address.
Yes, I think you’re right that couples need to spend some time apart, but I think that should be mutually agreed upon times. It sounds like your friend is looking for more time with her husband and he’s not necessarily meeting that need.
If I were you, I’d encourage your friend to talk to her husband about his behavior. She could let him know that she’s worried about his behavior and the toll that it’s taking on their marriage. Hopefully between the two of them (and possibly some counseling), they can address these issues and figure out a way to work through them together.
Post # 5
I think your friend needs to get her husband to talk. I’m not one to use threats but if she has to threaten the reality of separation to get him to listen, this is one case where I would because I fear that this mans health may be in danger.
Healthy diets should be well rounded.
Everyone puts on weight when they get comfortable. When you marry someone in your 20’s, do you really expect them to look the same in their 40’s? Most people don’t. Is the husband upset that she gained weight? They need to discuss all of these things but none of this matters, you could get the best advice in the world… if he won’t listen and talk then it’s a moot point.
Also, these two need to be realistic about how much time they spend together. My fiance and I have not even been together for 2 years and we do not live together but from the first weeks into our relationship, it was decided that time doing our own thing was important. Often this entails him coming to my house a few times a week but sitting in my room playing Wii or Playstation (his hobby) while I cook (my hobby).
Maybe these two need to set aside a date night. But again, also, they need to chat first.
Post # 6
I agree that there is definetly an eating disorder here, of which can really put a strain on any relationship. This is something he needs to work on, and he surely needs a counselor. He also really needs her support. An eating disorder is not just something that is going to go away. Did something traumatic happen to cause him to eat this way? Perhaps a few ladies who have suffered through it can offer some better advice.
Post # 7
well, your friend needs to tell her husband that they need to talk about this. he may not be aware that his behavior is affecting her. if he’s not aware, then he won’t change anything. if, (after they communicate) he is aware of the problem, but still does nothing to resolve the issue, then perhaps she could suggest getting help.
there’s a myriad of ways that can be helpful to them. they can go to counseling, seek a trusted adviser(s)’s advice, do a workshop, etc. if, after all this, your friend is still unhappy, then maybe it’s time to take a break. sometimes being apart from each other can help. if your friend has done all of these things and then some, and things are still the same, then you need to tell her that she can either accept it and be happy about it, or move on. life’s too short to stay in a miserable relationship. everyone deserves to love and be loved.
i know it must be hard seeing your friend in this situation, but the problem is between her and her husband. the only thing you can do is give her advice and let her know that you will support her no matter what she chooses to do.
Post # 8
They definitely need to have a chat. She may be depressed and he may feel as though he has nothing better to do but “improve” himself. And, i hate to say it, but he may feel like a split is coming and he may be working on his fitness to make himself attractive to other women. Or, he may be hoping that the more HE works out, the more she joins in with him. I dunno, sounds silly, but that’s my plan with my DH…the more I go, maybe the more he’ll come with me?
I think you can only be supportive and encourage her to talk to him. Encourage her to see a counselor with him. There is probably more going on than she’s telling you and she may be really embarassed about something personal. I doubt that it’s only his diet and exercise that’s ruining the relationship; there is likely more going on.