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Soap opera situation here. My best friend since 2nd grade is the mistress of my fiance's cousin's mistress. It took me a while to forgive and accept the fact that she has chosen to be someone's mistress. A homewrecker if you will, but as a woman myself, I know no woman chooses to be in love with a married man (at least I hope not). In her case, she knows it is wrong too, but the heart wants what it wants. Long story short, now that I am engaged, I don't know if I should ask her to be my MOH or even just a BM because I do not want any cat fights at my wedding. And, yes the wife knows about my bff, and has confronted her before, so yeah she can spot her out of the crowd. If it weren't for this sticky situation, there would be no doubt that she is MOH for my big day, but now I don't know. And even if there wouldn't be a cat fight, I'm not sure I want to marry into a family and right of the bat I'm a bad person for having a mistress for a best friend. On another hand, I feel like I may let my best friend down or even lose her over someone I don't even know yet. What should I do? Advice please.
She may be your best friend, but here is a time to consider the feelings of your new family. The cousin's wife is not likely to keep quiet about this if she sees her as your MOH, and you really don't need that drama and bad feelings beginning your marriage.
Holy crap. Your post has made me think back on all the soap opera stuff the gals on here have gone through, and I thinkwe should all collaborate and write a book:
"Worst Case Scenario: Wedding help for even the craziest of situations"
Seriously - lol. We are some tough ladies to deal with all this stuff!
Okay anyway about you're sitch. Yikes. Well I think you have weigh out the pros and cons. Friend. Pro. Dating married man. Con. Do you not cherish her still as a friend even though her situation changed?
Seriously, just like Jr High wen you crushed on two boys, list pros and cons. If her discretion with this man is the only con....I say don't boot her because of it. It could ruin you're friendship all together.
She'll be at the wedding anyway, right? Better to have her sitting by you at the head table, then out on the floor with the wife....KWIM? Your chances of drama are just as good with her in the wedding the not I think.
Keep us updated. Oh and if that doens't work threaten then with a tazer - Rojo can tell you where to get one in your wedding colors....;-)
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I think your fiance's cousin needs to own up to his marriage or do the right thing and divorce his wife if he loves your bff. With that said, I don't think his wife would ever tell a soul about her cheating husband and the mistress(s), especially at your wedding (tacky). Its probably easy for me to say this..but your friend and the wife needs to boot him to the side, no man should have two women fight over them (especially when it sounds like he's no saint). I would keep her in the party..you say so yourself, if it was not for your fiance's cousin's infidelity, she'd be in the wedding.
If she's still your friend despite whatever she does, then in my opinion it's not a question. I would run it by the FI first and get his take though. If he's ok with it, then that's life for the cousin's wife.
If she knows about it and is staying with him, that's her choice. This is your and your FI's wedding, so your MOH is your choice. You love the person, not the actions and it's not fair for you to be made to choose. Heck, if she divorced her husband for cheating then she wouldn't even be at your wedding, so she can't expect you to drop a friend of that long over her situation. Plus, if she knows and is staying with him, she won't cause a scene because then everyone would know and talk about it.
I guess that sounds harsh, and I don't condone cheating, but people have to make their own choices in life and you can't be responsible for her staying any more than you are responsible for your friend's actions.
I wouldn't want a mistress of anyone in my wedding party... I think I would feel that is betraying me as a (future) wife...
It's good of you to stand by your friend, but be serious. You may fall "in love" with someone who is not available, but you don't just fall into bed with them. Your friend and her boyfriend are seriously in the wrong. And your friend should really think about her position - because the one thing you all know about this man, even if he eventually leaves his wife for her, is that he cheats.
Ideally you could invite either your friend or your FI's cousin and wife, but not both. If you somehow have to have them all, I would definately sit them waaaay apart from each other. And since you can at least talk to your friend about this, let her know the she and her boyfriend need to seriously conduct themselves in a reasonable manner, whatever you think that would be (I would say no flirting, no dancing, no particularly interacton for the duration of the event). If you can get her to agree to that, I don't see why it is a problem to have her at the wedding.
As far as being in the bridal party, whatever enemies you are going to make on your FI's side of the room, you will probably make as soon as they see her up there. You probably just need to discuss that with your FI. If it is going to cause family problems for years to come, I would think that your friend should be mature enough to understand that it is her own actions that put her in a position that makes it difficult at best for you to have her as a BM. You can maybe give her another job. I would NOT suggest having her do a reading at the service...
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I don't know how much time you have between your engagement and your wedding - but I'm thinking... that a lot can happen in a couple of months. If you can - I'd wait on it - and just not make a decision about it right now and see how it all plays out in the next few months.
I don't know if this has been on-going - or if everyone recently found out about this indiscretion - but again, a lot can happen in a short amount of time... If this is a new development - I would definately wait to see what happens.... maybe the cousin and his wife get a divorce, maybe cousin goes back to his wife and dumps your friend, maybe your whole family finds out and wants to burn your friend at the stake(in which case i'd forego asking her to be a BM)..... maybe they don't burn her at the stake - but they burn her house down... and someone goes to jail.... ok... maybe that won't happen (hopefully!). But i would just wait to make the decision until you are about 6 or so months away (so you can still order BM dresses)... but you don't have to make this decision right after getting engaged.
Anyway, keep us updated! And good luck!! That's a tough one!
How close is your FH with his cousin?
There needs to be a "come to jesus" meeting on both sides, if you know what I mean. You sit her down and give her a good 'wake the hell up' bitch slap. And he sits his cousin down to tell him to be a man and stop acting like a twat and start being a gentleman.
As far as your girl as your MOH or Bridesmaid.... you need to wait on that. And if she asks you, you tell her EXACTLY why your hesitant.
This girl is your close friend, but she's making some seriously horrible choices and straining your relationship with your new family. NOT COOL!!!!
Sadly, I have a feeling your friend feeds on drama like this and probably has a history of picking unavailable men. Who am I to say that for sure, but it's just a hunch.
This is your wedding, and the last thing you want is to be nervous and pandering to other peoples comfort levels during the entire wedding process.
It will steal your joy.
I agree with MsIndecisive. If I had a friend who was part of something like that I would not support it. There is no excuse for it...
I would not have your friend in your wedding party. Her actions are hurting a member of your new family. Having her up there with you tells your new family that you "aren't on their side." (I am simplifying...) You are able to tell your friend, who is close enough to you to be your MOH, that while you love her and want to keep being friends with her - weddings are about family and you simply cannot have her in the wedding party but would like her to come as a guest. And, if there is any chance that she will be a part of any poor behavior at your wedding than I'd ask her to not ruin your special day. Perhaps she should even attend just the ceremony as there is less interaction at the reception.
She chose to be a mistress. That is fine; you accept her the way she is. However, being a mistress means you have to make a lot of sacrifices, and this is one of them. Definition of mistress isn't having your cake and eating it too. And in this case, it is going to include wedding cake.
I completely understand your situation, she's a LONG TIME friend and although her morals are no where to be found at the moment(trying to be nice) she's still your best friend. I think the best way to go is to be honest with her, she must know that she's putting you in a tough situation. You also have to think of not just what your fiance's cousin's wife 
(whew mouth full!) would say but your fiance's family as well. Most people have ZERO tolerance for that situation. As unfortunate as it is you'll be associated with whole fiasco if you do make her MOH. Not a good way to start your new lives together! I know this decision is hard but I advise telling her that due to her personal relationship choices it's a serious conflict for your wedding & therefore you can't take a chance on her. How does your fiance feel about all this?
Oh my goodness! I completely sympathize with you! Someone in my family got married and had to deal with one of her girlfriend's having an affair with her fiance's best man. Fortunately, She spoke to her friend about this and the friend agreed it would be best not to be at the wedding.
It is too much drama and every bride and groom deserve to have THEIR DAY. To have your best friend in you wedding party (while she is making poor emotional choices for herself), well, it is something you do not need to be associated with at your wedding in front of your new family. It is time to put yourself and your new husband first. Do not allow other's bad decisions and actions to affect your day. Do not invite her...but be honest and tell her you still care, but she has put you in a very awkward situation and you DO NOT need to upset your new family. Zero Tolerance. And be very happy!!! Best of everything to you! :)
wow. what a crazy situation. This is really hard I'm sure since she's your best friend... but still. You're about to become a wife!
As was mentioned before- she chose to be mistress and that requires sacrifices and I think this should be one of them. Unfortunately, you'd have to sacrifice as well by not having your best girl standing up for you. But if you chose her, you'll end up paying for her mistakes when your new family resents your choice. And i'm sure more people know than you or she think knows- do you really want that to be what people are thinking about or talking about at YOUR wedding?
She's your friend now but if she continues in her adulterous relationship you might find yourself feeling differently about her as you start married life.Obviously you don't think she's doing right but I think your love for her is clouding your judgement- I don't think you'd ever be thinking 'the heart wants what it wants' if you found out your husband had a mistress! I don't mean to be harsh. But she's putting you in a terrible position.
i feel for you right now. this is a hard call to make.
Definitely talk to your FH about this and find out how he feels, what he thinks, how close id the family? how close is he to this cousin.
ask him if his family would have issue with her being a part of the bp.
i know she is your best friend.......at the same time you are about become a member of an entire new family...some sensitivity here could make your life that much easier down the road.
If she is your best friend, she will understand. You should be on good terms with your new family. Don't ask her to be your MOH or Bridesmaid.
Wow.... I read all the responses and then tried to think what I would do if I was in your situation. My best friend means the world to me. She is not perfect and has done (and will continue to do) things that I personally would never do, but I love her all the same. Why? Because I love her for who she is, not what shes does. There is no question in my mind that I would still have her as my MOH. Of course I would have already had many disaproving talks with her because there is nobody in the world who can be as honest with her as I could. She expects me to call her out on her bull. I personally think that if people know what you BFF is doing and disaprove...then they will disaprove of you even being her friend regardless if shes in the wedding or not. Are you going to hide your friendship with her for the rest of your life? Why is your FIs cousins wife still with him anyway? Ahhh such a mess! You said that you cant help who you love....and you love your best friend. You dont sound like you are ashamed of her so dont act like you are. P.S. Its your wedding not your FIs cousins wifes..or something like that.
I was curious to see what others thought, so I came back and read all the old posts. I'm glad to see that I'm not totally alone (thanks, Jennilee).
I still have to disagree with most of the other posters. Everyone's feelings on your friend's actions aren't the issue, although you'll have to deal with them. I don't know what type of person that you are, but for me, I feel very strongly that your decisions are choices you can only make once. Will you regret not asking your best friend to stand up for you as you marry your husband? Perhaps outcasting your friend isn't the way to make her see that what she is doing isn't ok. Maybe having her there and seeing what marriage is and how great that is will make her see that she shouldn't be settling for being a mistress.
I generally think too many of us brides are too self focused during wedding planning, but on this one, I think you need to be a little self focused and do what makes you happy. Remember, the cousin is just as much at fault as your best friend. Maybe he should be the one to stay home.
(And, lest I be misunderstood, it's to make a point, I'm not actually suggesting you ask the cousin to stay home.)
I think the duty of hostess is to make her guests feel comfortable. Clearly, these two women can not be in the same room together and be comfortable. I think you need to choose one of them...and family comes first. I'm sure if you explain your conflict to your friend she will understand although it may be painful. Your friend has already inserted herself in far too many of your fiance's cousin's wife's family affairs! The wife deserves to attend a family function without being humiliated.
honestly, i dont think you should ask your BFF to be your MOH for several reasons, it will make things awkward, the potential for a blowout, and other family members getting involved (and families will take sides.) Your friend can always choose, and she is in this relationship with a married man. I think your BFF not being your MOH, is part of the price she pays for being in that relationship. I know it sucks because it's not just on her, but it's also on him too. Maybe you can unvite the cousin and family, rather than your MOH?
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i forgot to mention, that i feel sorry for the cousins wife. I hope they dont have kids that may be affected by this!
This is an awkward situation...but no more awkward than people with bitterly divorced parents that can't-be-in-the-same-room-but-have-to-for-a-wedding. I think the general advice in those situations is to plan your wedding and hope the parents act like adults. Yes, your MoH is a mistress. But you love her and she's your best friend. You want her at your wedding and she should be there to support you. For some people, friends are like family, and family are like strangers. If that's the case, would you regret picking family that you may not like (or ever like) over someone who would be there for you when times are rough?
I'm voting along the lines of keeping your friend in the wedding party (make sure your FH is ok with it). But realize that by doing so, your FI's cousin's wife will never like you. She will see how close you are to the friend and figure out that you guys talk about her (even if you don't, she will think that). And she won't ever feel comfortable around you because of it.
Yeah, one of my BMs had an affair with a married guy ... whooooo is going to be one of our GM. I don't think the wife knows, and that's not up to me as he went back to his wife to work on his marriage for his kids. We've talked to each of them, apart, and they know the other is going to be in the wedding, and they've both said that it's our day and that they'll act like adults.
That being said, also having been cheated on, I'm not too keen on having that aspect floating around all day. One of my other BM (man, what a group) is currently cheating on her husband with a married man and I'm almost to the point to ask her not to be in our wedding because it's such a sensitive topic to me. So many lives are affected by cheating and I'd rather not have that be the topic (hey, that's not her husband!) of the day. Especially if grown people can't behave like adults.
Best of luck in your situation. I'd say talk it out, with everyone (friend, cousin, maybe cousin's wife if you're brave?). Ultimately it's your decision, and a tough one at that. The people involved HAVE to understand where you're coming from. If your best friend doesn't understand that she's putting you in an awkward situation, that's just ... I don't even know what that is.
The real problem is that people inevitably take sides in this kind of thing. For all that we can say that everyone should act like adults that is still true. Even in divorce, you notice that most often the friends end up divided, and especially when divorce results because of adultery.
The more I think about this, the more I think that its really not your decision alone. I mean, your decision has the potential in the worst case to really polarize your FI's family, and to perhaps turn some of them against you, which will ultimately be very hard on both of you and on your relationship. I would sit down with him, and make sure that whatever decision you come to it is a joint decision. Because whatever the outcome is, you are going to have to deal with it together. And really, when you agreed to marry him, you agreed to choose him above all others... not just in the sense of not sleeping with other men, but also in that if it comes down to a choice between hurting your friend and damaging your FI's relationship with his family, you should choose to hurt your friend.
Wow, what a topic that has caused such polar reactions! I must admit, when I first read the post I immediately knew what I would do.... then I read people's comments and wavered.... but after all that, I am on the same page as MJ. If she truly is your best friend, then you accept her flaws and all, and if it were me (I know, easy to say when I'm not in the hot seat) then I'd like to think that I'd still have her in my wedding party. However I do agree with posters that it needs to be a joint decision between you and your hubby.
I guess that there are a lot of issues that we don't know. How close is your FH with his cousin? Does the entire family know about the affair, or is it still a well-kept secret? Are you close enough to the cousin and wife to give them a heads-up about your bridal party selection? Or are they cousins you see twice a year, max?
I also don't like this idea of branding your best friend with the scarlet letter and repeatedly calling her a "mistress". Yes, she is dating a married man. However it's not her who would be putting the family in this awkward situation - it's not even you - it's HIM. He's the one who is way more in the wrong than even her, IMO. He should be the one in the hot seat here! What a scumbag. We've talked about the friend's actions, the wife's choice, but what about HIM?
That said, I wish you strength in making this decision. I find it hard to relate because I have no cousins, and am much closer to some friends than some family, due to past events, so I basically treat my friends like family. All the best!
Wow, what a sticky situation.
If I were you, I would have her as my MOH. She is your best friend, and YOU had nothing to do with your FH's cousin sleeping around on his wife. If his wife is going to be saying stuff about your friend, be pro-active about letting them know that she will be your MOH, and although you don't support some decisions that she has made in your life, they are just they HER decisions. Seems like FH's cousins wife needs to realize that it takes 2 ppl to create a mistress.
Good Luck with your decision!
ITA Pinkie! In the end her BF's actions have nothing to do with her, or her marriage and she couldn't control it.
I do think that your FIs Cousin does need to own up though, like a few of the other girls said. Sh&T or get off the pot as it would be said in my family. He can't have it both ways.
I hope that you can work through this and find the answer that's best for you! You're an amazinlyg swwet woman to worry about them as well as yourself in the time that is supposed to be about you and your wedding only.
Take care!
All I can say is a real friend wouldn't put you in this situation. The heart may want what it wants, but there is a brain controlling it and she has every ability to stop what she is doing. Period. And so does he.
Think about your future - putting her in the wedding means creating a potentially unrepairable rift between you and your in-laws. Telling your best friend that you can't include her in a public way for these obvious reasons may cause some awkwardness, but she should be able to understand, and it may start to make her think about the real consequences of her actions if it starts affecting your relationship with her.
Imagine that she and he get a little tipsy at the reception and decide to put their love on display - humiliating not just themselves but the wife. Or even imagine the wife just says something to a few people and is angry with her husband all day b/c of your friend's prominent role, or even just b/c of her presense - do you really want that drama on your wedding day? Your day shouldn't be about a marriage on the skids, it should be about one starting out.
And furthermore - if your friend views marriage in a way that she finds it morally acceptable to be tearing one apart (again, he is at much at fault), she shouldn't be your one big supporter on the day that you enter into marriage. Don't fool yourself into thinking she feels differently - one indiscretionary moment is one thing, an actual affair that is ongoing is a choice and a statement about her core beliefs. You wouldn't ask an athiest to be godparent to your children, why would you ask her to be your witness, your one friend holding your hand as you enter into marriage?
I just had to thow something else out there....I dont think the wife is at fault at ALL and I feel horrible for her having been cheated on before, BUT maybe being at the wedding with her husband and his "mistress" will be the push she needs to ditch the bastard!
Ladies, I tallied 7 yays, and 13 nays as of right now. I would like to further clarify some of the key points here. My FH's cousin will definitely be there because the entire family is very close knit, so no doubt he and his wife will be there. My FH doesn't think anything will happen because he thinks the wife will keep quiet and all will be fine, but I'm no so sure. Another thing is I really don't think the family knows about this affair. Also, the wife is probably still with him for the sake of their 5 year old son. This affair has been going on for 2 years now, so I wouldn't count on it to will dissolve by the time our wedding comes along. As for my BFF, this is her first relationship ever. And maybe that is why it has been so hard for her to give it up. She knows it is wrong too, and there is no doubt in my that she thinks about leaving him all the time, but this hasn't happened. I think that scumbag probably tells her lies about some day leaving his wife when his kid gets a little older or when the time is right. Although, you can never say never, I highly doubt he would actually leave his wife because of the money and pride. He is a self-fish jerk. I don't know, but I am still tallying the votes, and by the end of today I will honor the votes.
I think that she should be your MOH because she is your best friend. I couldn't imagine not having my best friend as my MOH. Also you just said that the family doesn't know, so they can't be mad at you for something that they don't have a clue about. I understand the reservations that the other ladies on here but this is my opinion on the matter.
Good Luck
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why isn't there any focus on the guy who chose to have a mistress? it's not exactly fair to pin this solely on the mistress herself. if "family" is really supposed to be as important as it's being made out to be in the post and people's responses, then like a previous poster, i have to ask, why isn't HE being asked to sit the wedding out as well? if your best friend has been your best friend since the second grade, then that means something. years from now, it's likely you're going to regret not having her stand by you on your wedding day. it's a crappy situation for your cousin's wife, obviously, but again, he should have to own up. having someone ask you to not have YOUR best friend in YOUR wedding is ridiculous.
Well, if we are voting - I think that she should have a less public role. Eventually these kind of situations always get ugly, and when that happens, it will get ugly for you. And for your husband. It will probably be hard enough to remain her friend (which I do think you should try to do) without publicly championing her cause, as it were.
While the nonmarried partner in adultery has a tendency to rationalize their position by saying THEY didn't make the vows, I also agree the fact that your friend would sleep with a married man shows that she has little respect for the institution of marriage as a whole. Selecting someone to stand up for you at your wedding is more than just having a friend to hold your hand, or it should be. IMO somebody who can't whole-heartedly embrace the idea of the sacredness and seriousness of the commitment is not the right choice for MOH.
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You should see the movie Why Did I Get Married. There is one thing about knowing your husband has a mistress, its another to have her honored at a family function. Trust me when I tell you that there will be enough drama without this. You don't want to take focus away from you and FH on YOUR special day. You may have to move to France for this to work out or Hire extra security.
On a judgy note - What if it were you being cheated on while you had children? Its disrespectful to you for asking you to keep quite about something so wrong. 2 years is unacceptable. What does that say about you? Because if I was your soon to be cousin's wife I would be thinking "Birds of a feather..."
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i will have to go with the majority here and say that your BFF should not be your MOH. but instead of basing your decision on the votes in this forum, you should sit down with her and ask how she would suggest you proceed, based on the awkward position that she has put you in. maybe she will understand that she should step down from such a visible role in your wedding, or maybe she will find it altogether too painful to attend the wedding if she has to see her bf and his wife and child together.
Horrible choice- truly horrible- I would say NO with capital letters- I just would not want to associate myself with this drama all personal judgments about her decision to be a mistress aside. She can make her own choices, but you do not have to have her on display in front of family. . . I would give her a super signicant role in helping you - like be a bridal attendant- give her a nice bridal party-like gift- explain your decision etc.
i think your friend and your fiance's cousin should BOTH step down. do you really want their poor choices to be hanging over your head as you're walking down the aisle? it's not fair that you even have to think about this issue because it's your wedding day, it should be a happy occasion! your friend and your fiance's cousin need to grow up and understand that their bad judgment is not only affecting them, but everyone else in their lives.
good luck to you - i hope the situation works out for the best.
KEEP YOUR BEST FRIEND!!
people are just people - at times they make bad decisions and fall to weakness or whatever - and while some of their presonal choices are disappointing to us - what can we do about what THEY choose to do?
my MOH had a brief affair with a married man late last year - and while it disappointed me that she would choose to put herself in that sitch - her decision didnt take away any love i had for her - she's been by my side for decades...
i know this is a tricky sitch - but your FH's cousin is just as much to blame for the affair - that old saying - "it takes 2 to tango"
it's not your fault they've put themselves in a precarious situation - and i doubt they did it TO you on purpose - sh!t happens ya know? it's not to excuse the infidelity, but humans are not perfect and dare i say - maybe he's not happy with the wife if he's trolling around?? nobody's fault - that's just the path that relationship is on...
um the "birds of a feather" comment above - not any disrespect to the poster - but are you kidding me?? i've never had an affair with a married man, but my MOH has - does that mean i'm a bad person by association?? that's a pretty ignorant and general judgement to make about people who are friends...
who says by having her in your BP you are "sticking up for her" in this mess?? you have her up there b/c she is your best friend. period.
Good Luck on your decision and remember this day is about you and your FH, not anybody else.
I Totally Agree with ashcole825, graceiegirl, and Anti-Zilla...
I think your BFF should be your MOH, or you will regret it later in life. Hopefully your FI is right and the wife won't cause a stink at the wedding. That would just end up making her look like the silly one.
**I think NOT making her your MOH would call more attention to the situation than anything else, since the family doesn't know about it yet.** There would inevitably be people who know you are best friends and would ask why she isn't in the wedding.
But I also agree with emileee, this isn't a decision that you should leave up to the votes of strangers. After discussing with your BFF, this is a decision you ultimately have to make with your FI. Try to remember that this is YOUR day, no one else's. And their drama should not be a part of it, no matter how ugly the drama is. Good Luck!!!
Okay, I've thought long and hard about this. I can understand the terrible situation you're in, and it really sucks for you. These are my thoughts. Whether or not you condone your friend's choice, there will be a few people there who know what she's doing, and sadly, that WILL affect their feelings/thoughts about you (That old saying, you are as good as the company you keep {that kind of crap}).
Perhaps I'm being nosy, but did the cousin meet your friend through you guys? If so, then it's definitely not right to make her your MOH. If I were that wife, it would hurt me. The woman who is destroying my marriage participating in another? Really?
While you should consider your friend's feelings, in becoming someone's mistress she aknowledged that she is in fact the other woman, and with that comes things she'll have to miss out on- since she is supposed to be a secret. If she doesn't like it, find someone who isn't married. It's not about the guy deciding to see someone else- and it's not fair to place the blame all on him - yes he's selfish, but apparently no one else minds since he's got two women who love him. Yes, he chose to have a mistress, but that doesn't change that he's family- and family is usually not left out of weddings. Hell, if I left out people who did something shady, Mr. K and I would have eloped with one friend only.
I just don't think it's fair to punish the wife because she hasn't "left the scumbag" yet. That's not your call to make. It is your call to not parade around someone who obviously has no respect for the sanctity of marriage- if your friend DID, she wouldn't be in that position. it takes two to tango.
Yeah, they are both wrong, but why flaunt it in front of his wife? That's not cool. It's bad enough for the wife to have her husband's freaking GIRLFRIEND at the wedding with him.
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