Post # 1
I’m going anon because my MOH/ best friend knows my username…
She got married early last year and I was her MOH. She is in a dark place mentally. Shes not suicidal, but she is very depressed and unhappy. She is working on her Masters degree and is in her last few months at that school. She hates it there, she’s on the other side of the country with her husband (away from me, her friends and family.) She has terrible IBS which makes it really hard to study when she’s in pain. I know she is miserable and depressed. She wont update me on how things are going for her because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Her husband just updated me on how bad she is doing a few minutes ago. She texted me just a little earlier but it was only small talk. She doesn’t want to skype or talk on the phone. The last time I actually spoke to her, she said she couldn’t sleep because she stays up worrying about how she will get a job. I think its been three months that she has felt so terrible.
She hasn’t always been like this and I don’t know what to do or what not to do. Its not my place to talk to her or her husband about her seeing a doctor. (I’ve already tried.) I don’t know if she needs space? Or should I try and see exactly how she feels? What do I do as a friend?
Also my wedding is in the middle of March…do I keep her updated with wedding planning even though she choses not to really respond to texts very often? Do I just leave it alone? I know she will be present on my wedding day, no doubts about that… but she also had some huge regrets about her wedding that I’m just finding out about and I don’t want to make her feel any worse. For example, she hates all of her photographs and wishes she had used a photographer like ours… Ack.
I just feel like I’m on thin ice. I want her to be happy and I want to do whatever I can to help her. And then, I also want my MOH and best friend to have a bigger part in my wedding. It’s a sh*tty situation for both of us. I’m living away from friends and family too, so it sucks that I’m afraid to share details with her right now especially with my wedding so soon.
Any advice about anything??
Post # 3
Stop talking about the wedding for a while, stay in contact, but don’t pester…and send her something really nice, out of the blue, to let her know she’s in your heart…some flowers, a giant fortune cookie or perhaps a strapping Pacific Islander strip-o-gram…you know, something classy!
Post # 4
Don’t let her push you away. I’ve been through something very similar and when I get depressed I don’t want to talk or see anyone. Even if my friends call sometimes I just don’t want to talk or if they invite me out I don’t want to go. I’m glad you’re understanding of her situation. Just be there for her as much as you can. You def can’t force her to get on meds or anything so just be supportive.
Post # 5
Depression is hard. It feels like you are trapped in a never ending bottomless pit.
Typically you want nothing to do with anyone, and the joy you once found in life is sucked outta you. You linger, like a bottle bobbing in the ocean.
Perhaps talk about something else besides the wedding. There is nothing you can really do except take the long hard ride with her. Some days she may want to chat your ear off being all moody, and then there might be a glimpse of hope.
It seems that you are very understanding, which is great because often times people will run when someone has depression.
Post # 6
@Nona99: Wonderful! I’m on the search for something to put in the mail to her. I called her earlier and I think she was expecting me to ask her questions and “pester” which is something I can do sometimes. She didnt answer so I called her back. She answered, I told her I was calling for no reason in particular, I said I loved her and then told her how I b*tched out somebody she didnt like on accident….that made her giggle then we hung up. Short and sweet.
@soontobemrsm11: I didnt realize until you said it that I actually was letting her push me away. Wow. When I was in undergrad, I was put on depression meds but I never got to the point of not wanting to hang out or anything. I just had a very terrible self esteem but she is much worse off right now. I’m sure there are many websites out there for friends/family of ppl w/ depression. Going to research!
@VictorianChick: I cant imagine how that must feel. Especially when its a long term thing–months or years. I’m starting to suspect that the few friends she has made at her new school probably havent talked to her since she started feeling bad. I was even debating leaving her alone until she “felt better” because I wasnt sure what to do. Now I’m really glad I made this post.
Post # 7
Don’t stop talking to her, please. I am going through the same thing she is right now, and it sucks. I have no one, really, because I’ve pushed everyone away. She probably does not want to hear about your wedding right now. I know that sucks because you were there for her, but let her come around. She will, eventually.
Post # 8
Be there for her, and spend time taking about her and how she’s doing. Even if she puts out the “leave me alone” vibe.
Also for IBS, enteric coated peppermint oil (Natural factors) and probiotics have been a life changer for me. She may have an underlying issue like gluten sensitivity or another food sensitivity (which can manifest like depression), so if she’s open to getting checked out I’d reccomend it. It made a big difference for me.