Post # 1
This has been tearing at me for a few weeks, maybe even months. I’ve been with my guy for 4 years. I’ve been best friends with my highschool friend for almost 9 years. She lives in Vegas pursuing her career as a “struggling singer/actress” as she calls it. I’m still living in our hometown with a great career and landed a job after graduating from grad school. Same for my bf. We are both 26. Bf is 27.
Whenever we speak to one another she always jokes around and says you can’t get engaged to (bf’s name). When I try to bring it up how me and him recently talked about getting engaged she just asks all these questions like have you guys gone ring shopping or does he know what kind of ring you want? And then she says that were such babies still and I cant possibly get married.
My best friend has never dated anyone ever ever ever. She’s been single since highschool. Now that she lives in a different state she has new friends, friends that share the same interests as her in terms of her acting and what not. I fully support her and her career but what I don’t support is when she’s always coming up with these stories about how she met a guy and constantly asks me “what do you think will happen next?” She’s literally in her own little world and bubble. She recently did a gig and had a kiss/make out scene with a few people and she just shared with it my bf and I. Honestly she kept saying how fun it was and she had a great time and her life is so much fun. I thought it was weird for her to say that in front of my bf. Like saying “your life sucks because you’re both wanting to settle down and all the fun stops when you get married.” She drags on so many guy stories, ask my bf. She constantly says how she loves meeting new guys and went on this date and she thinks that he likes her or thinks that she is hot and that “I think he wants to get with me. I know he’s into me.” Seriously, every other week she talks my ear off with a new guy story. She’ll analyze every text message and ask what I think of the guy’s message. And then at the end of it all she’ll say to me that she doesn’t want a relationship or commitment and she’s good without a guy and is independent and her career is way way more important than settling down. She even says how she needs to find a guy who is hot and makes movies and is famous so she can have sex with him and have crazy hot sex. And oh yeah, she’s a virgin. She said this in front of my bf?! How does that make me feel?
And also too I feel like lately she is ignoring me. She never texts me back or calls me. Christmas day I sent her a sweet Christmas text and called her and I all I got was an ignored call and her texting me back with “Merry Xmas xo.” I feel like I can’t open up to her about future plans with my bf. I understand no one wants to hear someone talking their ear off about marriage and weddings but I feel like she’s not excited for me. I rarely ever talk about it too.
The weird thing too is that we have a ton of mutual friends on facebook and a handful of people we both know got engaged and she’s always excuse my language but d**k riding their posts and liking everything and commenting how happy she is for them and she doesn’t know the friend’s bf or gf at all personally. And she knows my bf personally and we’ve hung out a few times she visits home. And yet she doesn’t answer my texts or calls?
My guy wants to propose to me next year in the fall maybe and when I told her she just closes up. What should I do? I feel like the day he proposes she will completely downplay my happiness. I already know what I’m going to say to her: are you not happy for me? Is it because my life is exactly where I want it to be and yours isn’t? Because I’m finally moving onto a new chapter in my life and your life isn’t? Wow I feel so much better letting this out!
Post # 3
Some people don’t know how to handle close friends getting engaged/married/having kids, because that is SO far away from where they are in their lives.
Like I had a friend from high school say “What? You can’t have a BABY! I’ve known you since high school!”
Yes, we have known one another since high school. But I promise, I can have a baby!
What she was really expressing was how she sees her life (no stable BF, working on her MA), and how hard it would be for her to have a baby. I might be married and ready for a family, but she can’t imagine being at that place in her life just yet!
Post # 4
I know it’s hard when it feels like she’s not supporting you, but she is terrified: of losing you to your husband, of losing the feeling that everything will always be like it was in high school, etc. I don’t think she’s jealous, I think she just needs time to come to terms with the fact that people’s lives are moving on from what they were, and that’s scary! I certainly don’t think she’s handling it in the best way, but cut her a little slack. I’d try and have a conversation with her about it.
I also wouldn’t read too much into the things she says about guys in front of you and your BF. some people are just like that when they talk and there is no hidden context. If it makes you uncomfortable, ask her to stop.
Post # 5
@tikki88: She doesn’t seem jealous to me? It seems like you two are moving in different directions and that she really loves her life. She doesn’t live near you so how are you communicating? Skype? Phone? Why is your SO even apart of that conversation? Most of my friends live far away from me so when we talk it is “us” time and my DH is elsewhere.
My BEST friend brings up inappropriate things infront of my DH sometimes but that is just her and it doens’t bother me. That solution seems easy, just have your SO step away.
She probably disagrees with the idea of marriage because she hasn’t reached that point in her life.
I feel like this is a classic case of “you need to move on” or “people change”
Post # 6
Honestly, I don’t really see the problem. It sounds like she talks a lot about guys that she’s seeing casuallly. I don’t understand why that’s a problem. And why does it matter if she talks about guys in front of your bf? You ask “How does that make me feel?” and I’m actually genuinely curios – how does that make you feel. Becauee it wouldn’t be a problem for me, so I don’t know in what way it’s upsetting you. Her sharing stories about her life isn’t insulting to you any more than stories from your life are insulting to her. You’re just at different places in your life. That’s okay. It sounds like that’s what she wants at this point in her life and she isn’t interested in a more serious relationship given her career. So why would you think that she’s jealous of you?
It may be that you two are growing apart because your lives are so different. But don’t assume she’s jealous. And even if she were, what does that matter?
Post # 7
I agree with BrandNewBride. She’s seeing your life through a different lens. She’s thinking of the you she left when she went off to Vegas to be an actress, and if you were pretty similar in high school, then she’s thinking about how she is too young to get married/have a commitment. She’s living a very different life than you are, but in her brain the two of you are still the same.
It’s a lot easier to deal with friends you weren’t that close to getting married and having kids than it is the ones you were close you to. Heck, I’m engaged and a friend I’ve known since kindergarten got engaged yesterday and my immediate reaction was “He can’t be engaged!” In my mind, he’s still the kid I remember, and not the man he’s grown up to be.
She might be a little jealous or unhappy, but for the most part I think she’s just having a hard time wrapping her mind around the differences between your lives.
Post # 8
@Payless: She brought up the whole guy thing while having dinner , which was her idea to also invite my bf since she was visiting. It was just awkward.
Post # 9
@tikki88: In that case it just seems to be her talking about her current life. I personally wouldn’t find issue in that but if you do then I would talk to her about it.
Post # 10
She doesn’t sound jealous to me, just the opposite. I think you are in very different phases right now and she doesn’t envy yours at all. Believe it or not, not every woman secretly dreams of being in a relationship or married. There was a long time I didn’t want that at all!
Post # 11
I knew a girl like this in high school. She isn’t your friend. She’s super jealous of you and will never be happy for you. If she keeps in contact withoyou its only to keep tabs on you. Cut her loose and let the relationship fade away. Dont tell her cause you know she’s not going to be happy for you.
Post # 12
thanks for your replies and for not attacking me lol. I really just think that we are at different courses in our lives and she is might be having a hard time coming to grips with me settling down
Post # 13
I think you’re reading a bit too much into things. You don’t like her being open in front of your boyfriend, yet you talk about how close they are and how long they’ve known each other. And posting a ‘like’ on someone’s Facebook does not equate to phone calls or a text. Facebook takes way less effort on her part, so you shouldn’t be ranking them together.
Some girls don’t like talking about weddings. And is it possible that to her, you’ve been talking about engagement and weddings as much as she talks about boys? It sounds like she’s tired of hearing about it until there’s something concrete, in the same way you’re tired of hearing about her random hookups. Eventually, everyone’s stories sound the same, for both topics.
Yeah, her conversations about boys sound annoying. I had a friend like that and I just told her how I felt. She had no idea and the talk calmed way down. Simple solution! Have you mentioned to her at all how those conversations annoy you?
Post # 14
By how you described her you seem to look down on her because she isn’t doing the same thing you are. I don’t think shes jealous at all. She is probably just sick of your “im better than you” attitude.
Is it because my life is exactly where I want it to be and yours isn’t? Because I’m finally moving onto a new chapter in my life and your life isn’t?
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-best-friend-is-secretly-jealous-need-your-advice-asap?replies=13#post-
Who says she wants to be married at 26? Woman these days especially in bigger cities (including vegas) don’t really get married till late 20’s early 30’s if ever. You have a very small town mind. I would travel a bit if I was you and learn about different places.
Post # 15
Just because you were friends back in the day doesn’t mean that friendship will stand through the test of time. Some friendships will, you can be in completely different phases of life and still find common ground and understanding. Other friendships just don’t make it. It’s no one’s fault and neither of you did anything wrong. Her life is hers, she seems to love playing the field right now. You’re thrilled to be coupled up and heading towards marriage. Neither of you are wrong, neither of you need to be jealous of the other. Your lives just took different paths.
Maybe her career is more important than a relationship right now. Maybe it always will be. That’s for her to decide.
People change. It’s ok to pull away from her a bit, to find new friends who are interested in the same things you are. You can still be friendly with her and keep her in the loop, just recognize what role she’s playing in your social life. It sounds like you want her to play a role that she’s not willing or able to play (ie: the excited girlfriend who helps you plan your wedding.)