(Closed) My best friend married a loser — and it ended badly.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever had a friend in this situation, and what did you do?
    Yes, and I wanted to speak up but chose not to -- Their relationship/marriage seems fine now : (7 votes)
    5 %
    Yes, and I wanted to speak up but chose not to -- They are broken up now : (21 votes)
    15 %
    Yes, and I spoke up -- it made a difference : (11 votes)
    8 %
    Yes, and I spoke up -- it made no difference, and the couple stayed together : (43 votes)
    31 %
    Yes, but I didn't want to insert my opinion into my friend's relationship : (14 votes)
    10 %
    No -- but I wouldn't speak up if this happened. : (16 votes)
    11 %
    No -- but I would speak up if this happened. : (13 votes)
    9 %
    Yes, I spoke up it didn't make a difference at the time, but they're broken up! : (15 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    My sister married the wrong man in my opinion.  I spoke up, but there’s not much I can do about it.  She wasn’t mad that I said what I said, she just didn’t agree.  Their marriage is exactly what I imagined it would be and she’s gone from being this fun-loving, carefree person to someone who is bitter and angry with a temper. 

    I don’t talk about her husband to her.  It’s just not a topic we bring up.  If she complains about him, I just try to be supportive.  She’s not going to leave him and he’s not going to change.  

    Post # 4
    338 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I have a friend who is dating a guy like that. He’s a compulsive liar, he’s cheated on her, etc. I spoke to her about my concerns and she still supported him, so we didn’t speak for a few months. I think just because your friend wishes now that others had spoken up doesn’t necessarily mean at the time she would have accepted it so freely. People are blinded a lot by love. And like you said, hindsight is 20/20.

    Post # 5
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I feel like no one ever listens when you tell them their guy is a bad choice – they are too close to the situation and have to figure that out for themselves. Unless there’s clear or suspected abuse, I keep my mouth shut unless directly asked. Hindsight is 20/20 for your friend, but I don’t think its your fault or that you should’ve done anything differently.

    Post # 6
    7773 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @MrsEdamame:  If all you had was a “bad vibe” and he was rude, then that is not nearly enough. Plenty of decent guys (and girls) give a bad first impression to their partner’s friends and relatives. I do believe in passing on something concrete (like, “I saw this guy with another girl”, or “He has a past I know about”), but “rude” and “bad vibe” aren’t really enough.

    I think the only thing you (or others) could have done was to counsel her to not marry so quickly. Rushing into marriage is never a good idea, especially if you didn’t know the person before. Of course she probably wouldn’t have listened.

    I think she’s kind of looking for other people to blame for her mistake. Now don’t you dare say that to her! But remember that and be forgiving if she tries to pass a little of the blame on to you.

    Post # 7
    1571 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m sorry for what happened to your friend, but she really has no right to be hurt that nobody told her not to marry him, and you should not feel guilty. She likely wouldn’t have listened to you before the marriage, at best just disregarding you, at worst getting angry and cutting you out of her life. She needs to take responsibility for her decision to marry him and not blame the people around her for not warning her off him. 

    Post # 8
    3639 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    They weren’t close to being married, but I spoke up about not liking my sister’s boyfriend. My whole family spoke up. They eventually broke up but it was a long time after we spoke up. But the time between speaking up and them breaking up was horrible. It pushed her away from us. 


    It’s so hard to know what to do in situations like these.

    Post # 9
    4937 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    You know what, any time I have spoken up in this situation it has not ended well. The friend ends up getting defensive, upset and even more attached to the wrong person to “proove you wrong”. 

    It sounds to me like she is just wishing she had known. Would have, should have, could have. You have no fault in this at all, and neither does she. The only person in the wrong here was her fiance/husband. Abusive people are really maniupulative. It’s not her fault he was like that. 

    Post # 10
    8230 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I had several friends that dated/married guys I didn’t like, but I never really said much. The times I did try to bring up the issue they would just get pissy at me about it. Love is blind, as they say. I think pretty much everyone we know doesn’t like my brother’s Fiance, but that hasn’t done anything to change their relationship unfortunately.

    Post # 11
    3053 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I can’t vote because I can’t say what I’d do. I haven’t had a friend in this situation either (thank God) however my sister dated a guy who beat her son. It only happened once but my nephew was only 3 at the time and the guy she was dating spanked him so hard (for not eating his vegetables….at THREE YEARS OLD) that he left a hand print that was found by the daycare the next day or a couple of days later. Dude went to jail, my sister BAILED HIM OUT OF JAIL and not only did she continue dating him after my mom’s explicit “I swear to God if he touches you, your father and I will bury him somewhere no one will ever find him” and her dad calling the cops on the guy several times (we have different dads) but MARRIED HIM, and had a BABY with him!!!! within 2 years they were divorced and she never ever apologized to my mother for doing what she did to her with this relationship or never even said “I should have listened to you” (this man called my mom a bitch, fat, ugly, and a bunch of other things) It’s something no one talks about anymore but when I think about the whole situation it makes me sick.

    Post # 12
    5985 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    i spoke up once about my friend marrying the wrong guy and it did nothing but ruin our friendship. we were bffs for several years and after years of me and her bf hating eachother she decided to stop being my friend. he was a pathetic, loser drug head jack ass. we are FB friends but not really friends, we live 300 miles apart. I see oh her FB that after like 8 years they finally got married and are having their second kid now. she seems happy. maybe I was wrong?? or maybe he finally grew up?

    my friend now is marrying a jackass. seriously, he is a jerk. one time i was at her house and he came home all pissed off that she had guests. he was slaming doors and didnt even say hi to me. yeah, i left pretty quickly. she admitted later that he was upset she had a friend over…..weird. he barely speaks so i dont really know him but she tells me things about him that sound awful. like…he hates fat people! really? thats messed up. He said that she has fat and ugly friends and should surround herself with only good looking people. he is very superficial and shallow. I think she is making a mistake. I wont say anything based on my past experience with this. I really do hope this marriage works for her though 😀

    Post # 13
    522 posts
    Busy bee

    Honestly, I think it’s a little bit absurd for her to be annoyed that you didn’t warn her about this guy.

    You barely knew him so you were hardly in a position to tell her not to marry him. From your perspective he seemed like an ass but being an ass doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll morph into a domestic abuser.

    More likely than not she wouldn’t have listened to reason then anyway.

    It’s sad that this happened to her but I don’t think that warning her would have changed how it went down :/

    Post # 14
    1663 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Been there, tried to say something, fell on deaf ears.  I think these things are really hard for people to hear…. so they tend to ignore them.  Frown

    Post # 16
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @MrsEdamame:  I’ve had a lot of friends end up dating/marrying loser assholes. I was ‘that friend’ that noticed the signs of abuse beforehand, and would tell my friend if I thought her man was bad news. I know that if it were me, I’d want to know as well (been in a few bad relationships myself). Telling them did nothing, even when they agreed he was bad news.

    Honestly, while I can appreciate why your friend was upset that no one talked to her about him, part of me wonders if she would have changed her course of action, being that the girls usually deny/refuse to see the ‘bad’ in the guy. Who would she blame had someone said “hey, your man seems like an asshole.” ?

    Basically, while I feel bad for your friend, when it comes down to it, she’s the only one responsible for her own decisions and actions. There were red flags all over, but she didn’t see them, or refused to acknowledge them. Please note that I am NOT in any way saying that being abused was ok, because it is NOT. I just believe that rather than blame others for this happening to her, she needs to be realistic, realize its nobody else’s fault that she decided to have a relationship with this dude.

    That being said, I’m glad she’s gotten away from him. Kudos to her for being able to do what many women are unwilling or unable to do.

    The topic ‘My best friend married a loser — and it ended badly.’ is closed to new replies.

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