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Well you kind of passive aggressively invited her by giving him a guest, so that ship has sailed. Your friend needs to get over it at this point. I mean, yeah your cousin was a total d**khead to her and she has a right to hold a grudge, but she shouldn't be so much of a child about it as to pull an ultimatum on you at your wedding, especially since the guy is family. She seems like she has some larger issues given that she is an adult with a child and still tries to beat people up. Perhaps suggest some therapy in addition to telling her she needs to just suck up the fact that the woman will be there. If she legit tells you she's not coming because of that then she's not really your friend, OR she's got mental problems that make her incapable of rational thought.
Great point kittyachi! My FI is telling me the same, that if she doesnt go she isnt a good friend, and its true. If this happened last wk or last yr then I'd understand her pain, but its been 10 years, she is calling my other friends and exploding to them how im having this girl at my wedding but I really have no control over it. I was hoping my cousin was just going to show up by himself given the situation but he's clearly not
You've invited both, end of story. She can get over herself for one day or not come. Sad, but true. Not being able to separate herself from the situation to support you is not good friendship behavior, not the other way around. If you went out of your way to invite someone she hates that is a stranger to you, that's another story. But it's your close cousin! Big girl pants need to be worn here.
Tell her to get over it for one night, especially since you say it happened so long ago. If it were me, I'd probably let everyone involved know who else was invited. I invited two people who were together for several years and are now with different people to my wedding (there were no kids involved though). I just let them both know the other was invited. They asked that I didn't seat them at the same table, which I wouldn't have done anyway.
I also have two uncles who are divorced. I invited both of my uncles and their new wife and girlfriend. My uncles ex-wives were invited too because they are my aunts after all and they're special to me. Again, I'm not sitting them at the same table and they all know that the other people will be there and they're fine with ignoring each other so they can be there for me.
I think you should tell whoever can't handle the situation that you'd love to have them there, but you're not going to uninvite someone else important to you to make them happy.
I have to agree with everyone else, maybe sit down with her and have a conversation in a heart to heart way, and hold your ground, he is your family, and has made decisions that hurt her, but at the end of the day, he is still family, and you cannot dictate who your family is (and who they are with!) so, talk to her, and let her know that you will not ask him not to bring his girlfriend, and that it would relaly hurt you to not have her present, and that it's put you in a tough situation. At the end of the day, she needs to see that for ONE day she needs to let this go, and let you have YOUR day!
I agree, she needs to get over herself or not come. She is not a good friend, if she can't behave for just one day. It has been 10 years. She needs to get on with her life, and leave the past behind her.
I have a similiar situation, old friends who are now enemies. I'm inviting them both & I think they'll just avoid each other. Its been a few years so they're mostly over it now. I feel for you! Just let her know he's invited & you aren't sure if he's coming or not, or who he may be bringing. She may feel uncomfortable, but she doesn't have to talk to him or sit anywhere near him.
After 10 years, I think your friend should be getting over what the cousin did. Its going to consume her life & will make her miserable. If you & her are still close, I would suggest her maybe seeing counseling. Not for your wedding, but out of getting her to move on with her life. It sucks he did that to her, but she needs to move on.
Sorry, but I would tell her to suck it up. It's not about her. And anyways, you can seat them at completely different sides of the room and they don't even have to see each other. idk. Maybe talk to her and ask her to do this for you. To make sure nothing about the situation will hurt the wedding day. Assure her that you are on her side in the issue, but that you need to be able to count on her to not necessarily forgive but temporarily forget the issues for this most important day of your life. If she's really your best friend, she'll understand.
@breezer, I had a heart to heart with her yesterday, she was furious! She said she wouldnt be able to do her speech or be happy at all! I told her I would sit them far away and she wont even notice that they're there, but she's not accepting it.
@bleubride- you are right, i wished I could delete this stupid poll, im not going to uninvite someone close to make someone else happy, no way! I cant believe she is putting me through this especially she is my best friend and I would be crushed if she doesnt go to the wedding
I told her people go to weddings all the time and doesnt like seeing certain people but have to stick it out, she just doesnt have a clue
Wow! That really stinks! I would tell her to step down if she's not going to get over it. You even sat down with her & she won't work with you!
Well, it's easy to say that you would stick it out if the tables were turned...I know it's been 10 years...but has it been really hard on her to raise a child alone? Does he see the child? Does he support the child? I think she has a right to be mad...I'm a mom, and if my FH left me right after I had our son...I think I would of tracked him down and beat the living day lights out of him. Or had my dad do it.
I was in the same wedding party as my ex husband a few years ago and got to hang out with him and his new wife too (we were together for 10+years) I expressed my concerns to the bride..and she didn't really see what the problem was... It could of gotten really bad, I cried at the wedding rehearsal dinner and had to leave..(yes, it was tough) and it wasn't a very fun wedding to be apart of...I kind of felt like people didn't care about my feelings. I understand it's her day, but I would never put that on any of the people involved in my wedding.
Also I know when my brother got married he had a guy in his wedding party who was getting divorced and was now dating a girl in the wedding party. (They were actually walking together) The Ex-but still wife expressed her concerns and they said they would be mad if she didn't come...I was pretty shocked that they would be so insensitive. It really sucks when you have to go through stuff like that.
I know the guy is your cousin, but it sounds like he did a pretty jerky thing to your friend.
I would ask both your MOH and Cousin what is the solution to this..and see what they say..
Tell your MoH to put on her big girl panties and grow up for one night. She is an adult and she controls the way she acts. Tell her she has a choice: She can show that she's truly your friend and behave like a civil adult for five hours of her life, or if that is too difficult and she wants to choose her grudge over her friendship with you, she can stay home.
She doesn't have to forgive your cousin or his gf, she doesn't have to like them, she doesn't even have to speak to them. But she does have to be able to sit in the same room with them without causing a scene. Ask her if that is really too much to ask on your wedding day.
Wow, I feel for you and your best friend in this situation. Granted, she should try and be happy for you for your wedding, but if I were her I, would be pissed as heck! Does your cousin support, or ever see their child?
Invite them both and let them decide! She can't expect you not to invite your cousin and his GF and you can't not invite your friend! They are adults and should get over their BS for one night for YOU!
They broke up 10 YEARS ago? I agree with the others. Tell her to put on her big girl panties and shut up. If she was a really good friend, she would deal with it for one night. She needs to get over it.
if sshe decided the fight is more important than your friendship, i say, go find better friends!
Yikes - that sucks.
First - I know it's been a decade - but, she was hurt deeply and I can TOTALLY understand why she wouldn't want to be around him or his new GF.
Second - it's time for her to make a decision. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like she's able to be your MOH - given the circumstances. Did she expect you to not invite your cousin?
If I were you - I'd empathize with your friend, telling her that you understand why she wouldn't want to be around the GF - but, you aren't uninviting her either. Tell her that you really want her with you on your wedding day, but will understand if she decides not too.
I can definitely feel for your friend - and I think perhaps she is furious because she thinks you are not taking her feelings into consideration. That said, make sure she knows you understand - and let her make the decision. You don't need to be in the middle of this kind of drama!
I would like to second the post written by @amberdawn - I totally get that people feel like in ten years she "shouldn't" be upset anymore, but this 'fight' involved her entire life and that of an innocent child. We dont' have much information here and everyone is jumping on the 'get over it' bandwagon - which is pretty harsh in my opinion. Her life was turned upside down by the two people she likely loved and trusted most.
As her friend, and considering she is your MOH I'm making an assumption that she is a very close/best friend, I really think that before you sent an invite to your cousin, you should have discussed this with both of them. And honestly, I think your cousin could have left the 'new' girl at home and that would have solved a lot of this issue for you.
If you really care about her the way you say you do, I would tread lightly and talk to her about this again not in context of the wedding but how she feels about her situation and what happened. It's much more than putting on her big girl panties and getting over it from the sounds of things.
I think it would absolutely depend on the circumstances. If this is the father of my child and he doesn't support his child, if he left me for my best friend - thus ripping my heart apart from two directions - I would not attend a social function that he was attending with the girl that used to be my best friend. Frankly, I probably wouldn't stay friends with anyone who stayed friends with him let alone invited him to their wedding. Some fights deserve the picking of sides.
You're making the decision that your wedding day is more important than her feelings - fair enough. She gets to make the decision that her mental health is more important than your wedding. I think declaring her a bad friend for not coming to the wedding under these circumstances is unfair.
ugh, your MOH needs to grow up, i mean really, acting crazy won't win him back! invite your cousin and you moh, if your that important to her than she will suck it up for a few hours! tell her now though, tell her that you are inviting them, and that they prob wont stay long, ask her to suck it up for a just a few hours!!
HA! Ask your MOH what kind of example she is setting for her son. Does he really need 2 parents who aren't seeting a good example? Your cousin was a D1ck. End of story. She needs to get over it. How many highschool relationships work out? Not many.Your MOH just really needs to grow up and act like an adult.
Honestly, I am kind of going through the same crap, just not as messy. My sister and MOH dated Hubs' cousing and BMan. Well, their relationship ended badly and she is still pretty bitter about it over a year later, but she is 21 and is willing to suck it up and wear her big girl panties and put my wedding first. Of course, we will have BMan at the altar with Hubs and my sis will walk with someone (ANYONE) else because I don't want to cause drama. BMan will be bringing his GF. I had hoped my sister would be in a relationship too, but that didn't work out. I am letting her bring a date though, I can suck it up too and let her at least have a good time with a date if she can put aside all the hurt from her failed relationship.
yes he does support his son and still gives her money when she needs it.
@christal- When I sent out my invites I didnt think of who I should invite or shouldnt invite because of other people's problems, I wanted to invite my family and close friends, I honestly thought she can be an adult for one day and stick it out but she cant.
We just got into another argument and she said im putting her on the spot and she would never do it to me, but I would stick it out for any of my friends especially after 10 yrs. I dont like being blamed for anybody's past. This isnt fair for me 4 wks before my wedding to stress about this crap. I know she is hurt still but like the others said, its only for 5 hrs.
Im not going to risk not having my cousin attend and I also dont want to risk losing a friendship
@arachna- I wouldnt consider her a bad friend for not showing up at the wedding, I understand her pain and know how hard it is for her but i've told her many times that it is what it is and i wish i can change things but i cant. She keeps telling me that im letting him win, this isnt a game! I know she's hurt but im hurt too because we are different people and I wouldnt let anything keep me from attending a friend's wedding.
My oldest daughter's father cheated on me 10 years ago and just a few wks ago I had to attend my friends bachelorette night and that girl that he cheated on me with was there and I had to hold in all the hate and respect my friend and get along with her the whole entire night, yes it was hard but we are adults now and need to move on
Hmm, that's a tough one.
I personally wouldn't have let my cousin bring his gf. I know they are together with a child, but still. That way your MOH would be a bit more comfortable, and your cousin still gets to attend. If he's iffed about not having his gf come then just be up front with him "hey, you shouldn't have left my MOH for her then". Cousins are family, you can get that way with family right? ;) In fact, the wedding hasn't happened yet, you could still do that!
It's easy to say that MOH should put on big girl panties. But that's a really hard one. She probably feels very torn. It obviously hurts her a lot after all these years.
I would always put my BFF before my cousin. That's just me.
To all of you who said you wouldn't have invited his girlfriend, would that change if she were his wife? They live together, have a daughter together and have been together for awhile - for all intents and purposes, they are married without a ring. To not invite someone's wife or husband is not only extremely rude no matter how you feel about them, but also a HUGE etiquette faux-pas.
@Tammy, I think you are doing the right thing in sticking to your guns on this one. Your best friend is there to support YOU and if she can't even do that, she is not a friend worth having. If she is still so extremely upset about the situation 10 years later, she needs to work on herself and go to counselling. That is a lonnnnng time to carry around such negativity. This is about her and her only, and her inability to put the past IN THE PAST for 5 hours to support her best friend. And she's trying to bring you down with her, so she doesnt feel bad.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your best friend here. This is nearly verbatim to what I said to FMIL regarding FFIL (divorced, nasty relationship but I believe most of the hard feelings are on her side, he's remarried): I'm not asking you to hold hands and be best friends for the day. You need to breathe the same air for 8 hours over the course of a day. You don't have to talk, you don't have to eat at the same table, you just have to be in the same room. This day is not about your issues and problems, it is about FI and I, so if you can't put this aside for us for one day you need to think about whether or not you should join us.
I'm sorry her relationship with your cousin didn't work out, but not every relationship is for life. Some work out, some don't. It's not that she should "get over it", it's that she needs to move on. I can imagine that living your life in a constant state of anger over what could have been would be really volatile and depressing. As tough as it may be for her, she really needs to try to put those things aside and focus on you for your wedding day. I think it may also be a good idea for her to seek some counselling.
Your MOH needs to grow up. She might not like his GF being there, but he is your cousin and this woman is his GF and they have a child together! not inviting her would be incredibly rude and childish on your part. Your MOH has no right to dictate who you invite, and needs to find a way to deal with this. IF she can't figure out how to be there for you on your wedding day, that is pretty selfish.
Wow. You should invited your friend and cousin and his girlfriend because its your wedding and those are the people you want to be at your wedding. If your friend is so petty that she can't suck it up for a day - then that is her problem, not yours.
I'm gonig to try not to get too judgy here with my response. It's not your fault your BFF got pregnant and your cousin left her. And it's also not your fault he's shacked up with her ex-BFF and managed to get her pregnant too. I mean, have they ever heard of birth control? Sorry, judgy.
Those are decisions they all made on their own as pre-teens and/or adults. So you don't have to choose one of them to be 'loyal' to, and they shouldn't ask you to take sides. They should understand that you have a right and an obligation to invite both your BFF and your Cousin to your wedding and both of them with a plus-one. Honestly, the person at fault here is your BFF for putting you in a position where you have to choose instead of sucking it up out of love and respect for you.
Um, not to be harsh about your best friend but... she needs to close that chapter. Its just not healthy to harbor sooooo much resentment still. The damage is done, she is doing herself (and her child) a disservice by still being upset about it. And trying to fight someone everytime she sees them? That's not cool at all! That being said, you deserve to have them both there. Your cousin and your best friend. So I'd invite them both. If your MOH decides she can't handle it, well, that's pretty telling of where her priorities and loyalties lay. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this kinda crap, it shouldn't be happening.
So, they have children that are siblings? Cousins gf is pretty much her sons step-mom? And she still tries to fight this woman? Ugh.
I understand the compassion for her feelings, I really do. But this isn't a bbq or a dinner party. This is an event. Your event. She's entangled her issues into your family. How does the rest of the family feel about it? Has cousins mother weighed in on this? Just curious, bc in my family it would be family comes first, end of story.
I really do think she's being self-absorbed. There are going to be many many occasions that she's going to have to deal with these people if there are children involved, and as much as she might not like it or it might hurt, she's gonna have to learn to suck it up.
My general rule of thumb when someone tries to 'make me choose' is choose against them. In my experience, usually the person pushing for a choice turns out to be the selfish one, and the one trying to keep the peace is the one more worth my time and energy in the long run. Generally.
However, in this case if I were you, I would tell her "Look, it's my wedding. He's my cousin. I'm sorry it didn't work out and that you still struggle with it, but it's time to be an adult, for my sake. You are my friend and I would love to have you at my wedding, but it is my wedding and I will invite my family and their significant others. If you honestly can't be happy for me and just stear clear of them... I'm asking that you not make a scene at my wedding, not that you make her your new bff. If you honestly can't behave like a rational adult for my sake, then you've already made my choice for me."
Invite them both. If one of them don't want to come because of the other, it's their issue NOT yours. It's your day, and your MOH has to decide what's more important to her: you (her best friend), or an old relationship she hasn't moved on from.
@tobin- it was hard for me to choose my BFF over my cousin because family always comes first for me and I feel like it is out of etiquette to tell a guest who they cannot invite, it was so hard for me to have to tell her that he was bringing his gf, she freaked out on me and said I was pretty much fcked up for 'letting' her go
I've been telling her to move on from it but she obviously needs some kind of counseling for this. She already made her decision not to attend my wedding and im sad about it but more mad about the fact that she is being selfish in the most important time in my life.
@missscarlet- the whole family thinks she's crazy, they thinks its ridiculous that she is still upset up to this day, 10 yrs is a long time, every time she tries to play that 'if the tables were turned' card, I tell her I would absolutely stick it out for her, I do know now where our friendship stands. She is making it seem like im putting her on the spot and letting him win, i dont understand how he is winning, this is not a game
Ugh, the wedding is in 25 days, im hoping she will have a change of heart but I highly doubt it
I have to good friends that I set up and then recenty broke up. They were going to be going to my DW, thank god they hadnt bought tickets yet!
I asked her if she minded if I invited him before I set out any invites.
In your case you've already sent out the invites I think they should have to deal with who is going.
Does you cus know how she feels about the his g/f being at the wedding? if not maybe he would not bring his g/f knowing how much it would upset your MOH.
@mishalleez- I spoke to my cousin about the situation and reminded him of how much it still hurts my BFF and he was shocked that she is being selflish and not thinking of me on my wedding day. He doesnt see a problem at all with bringing his gf, i was hoping he was going to say he would go solo but he isnt.
No offense but I would have been shocked if your cousin had considered the feelings of your BFF. From what you've written on this post he never considered the feelings of your BFF to begin with. He didn't see a problem with sleeping with your BFF, impregnating her and then cheating on her with her BFF so why would he consider her feelings at your wedding?
I cannot agree with the majority of the people on here who say your BFF should suck it up, put on "big girl panties", etc. It's very easy to judge when you haven't been in the situation. Being your MOH is a big job. I've been a MOH before and it takes a lot of time, commitment, love and money to hold that position. Most likely if your BFF is doing that for you then she really cares about you and values your friendship. She is not a bad friend because she realizes that having the cheating BFF there would be hard for her. Being a MOH is tough enough because she carries the weight of the bride on the wedding day and tries her hardest to make sure that the bride is happy, that everything goes as expected and that she's a comfort to you. Now on top of that, she has to deal with mess that your Cousin started. I don't care if it was 10 years ago. Sometimes time does not heal all wounds especially when it's dealing with children, betrayal and deep hurt.
If she really is your friend and means that much to you then you should consider her feelings and her perspective. This is obviously really hard for her and she is going to feel embarrassed and probably a little hurt at your wedding. It's your day but she's a friend hopefully for life. I really hope that she makes the best choice for her.
Frankly, I wouldn't invite either. Not that my family is perfect, but I wouldn't invite someone that did that, to a wedding of all places, since they clearly have issues regarding making a commitment to someone - I'm not a believer that family necessarily get the benefit of the doubt over a friend. And I wouldn't invite her if; she's right to be hurt but she needs to move on.
If I set them up and I had to pick though, I'd go with the friend, imho.
@thebriz- I dont feel like because the fact that I set them up that I have to deal with the aftermath of it all. All I know is that I would suck anything up for my friends wedding, doesnt matter what it is. People make mistakes in life,we are human and have to move on from it, thats what life is all about. Its not right to put this pressure on me in a happy time in my life
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Ok so here's the story, my best friend and I met when we were 13 and I hooked her up with my cousin, this was 17 years ago. They were together for a few years had a baby boy and he left her for her friend. Now him and that girl have a baby daughter together and my best friend cannot get over it still up until this day. She gets worked up about it all the time and literally tries to beat this girl up every chance she gets because of the fact that they were friends.
Now that my wedding is coming, my best friend wants me to tell my cousin not to invite his girlfriend or she wont go to my wedding, I just cant tell my cousin that because they are living together and have been together and have a daughter now. I know that if I told my cousin he couldnt bring her, he might not be able to go to my wedding. Its been 10 years since the break up and I just want my MOH to get over this!
She is very upset with me right now and is telling me that she would never do this to me if the tables were turned, but I didnt invite his girlfriend, her name was not on the invite, I invited my cousin plus a guest, I cant control who he brings. She said she would be miserable at my wedding if the other girl is there, but what about me? Its my wedding day!
I told my best friend/MOH that if the tables were turned I would stick it out and would never miss her wedding over anything. I dont know if im being a bad friend but he is my blood and we are very close and I dont want him not to go or my best friend not to go. I mean, we are adults now not in high school anymore but she is clearly depressed over this matter.
I've had so much stress with my family and dont want to deal with this drama either. I need to know that im not doing anything wrong, please help