Post # 1
So… I thought I’d ask about this here, because I have no idea how to handle this.
My friend has been dating a guy (we’ll call him “Bobby”) on-and-off for a little over 2 years.
Bobby has recently come out and said he wants to be a woman. He said he’d still be physically attracted to girls, and he doesn’t want my friend to break up with him.
My friend is straight, but she’s wants to stick around to see “if she could handle it (being with a woman).”
She’s also said she’s hoping he will “change his mind.”
She comes to me all the time crying about this, and I’m really having a hard time giving her any advice.
My advice so far has been:
1, he’s not going to “change his mind.” Even if that’s what he SAYS, this is something that runs deep in his soul. It’ll always be in his heart. 2, leave Bobby/breakup, but remain friends so he’ll have some support while he goes through this transition.
But she doesn’t want to. But she’s miserable otherwise.
Anyone have any good words of advice I could give her?
I have little patience for this stuff. I can only give you the same advice like 5 times before I start getting annoyed. Heh… I just don’t know what to say to her anymore.
Post # 3
I think you gave good advice. Tell your friend that you’re available to listen if she needs to vent, but that you’ve given her all the advice you can give on the topic.
Post # 5
I feel for your friend, that her relationship as she knows it is over..but I can’t imagine wanting anything to do with a guy if he told me he wanted to be a woman-I think all attraction/emotion would subside and I’d be like “WTF?! Back away, now.” I wish her luck :-/
Post # 6
I think you have given good advice. This must be a difficult situation for your friend, so just be there as much as possible.
I have been with m to f and f to m transgendered people in the past, and I have always focused on the person, not the gender. But some people find it very difficult. Maybe see if they, as a couple, would be willing to seek counselling together? There are so many wonderful organisations out there who will help. Also encourage her to seek out forums etc aimed at people in her position – there are others in the same boat who can offer a unique perspective. At the end of the day, only she can make the decision, but it needs to be an informed and thought out one.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I think she is just clinging to the past. She needs to know that it’s not going to be the same, but that’s something she will have to figure out for herself.
Post # 8
i would ask her what she ultimately wants. If she wants to be with him/her at any cost, you can remind her that any pain she is having she needs to learn how to deal with because she wants to be with him/her no matter what.
If she wants a more traditionally family life-husband, children, etc then when she starts to complain, you can remind her she needs to leave so she can fulfill her ultimate goals.
If at some point it becomes too much for you to deal with, you can tell her that you love her, but this is too much for you and she needs to find a professional to discuss this with.
Post # 9
I think you gave her good advice, also. I have friends that I give the same advice to over and over.. it comes to a point when I (gently) tell them, that I cannot give them anymore advice & that they’re just looking for me to tell them what they want to hear. All you can do now is support whatever decision she makes.
Post # 10
tell your friend to RUN.and never look back.EVER
Post # 11
Thank you everyone for all of your advice! 🙂
Post # 12
I know 2 people who transitioned, one male-to-female and one female-to-male. Here’s the thing: Both of their preferences changed after beginning the hormone treatment – she-now-he went from being a lesbian to a gay male; he-now-she went from identifying as a gay man to a lesbian. Obviously this doesn’t always happen, but, she needs to be aware that the hormones will change him. And he needs to be realistic about how much his life is going to change in ways he cannot predict.
all I can say is that actually going through with removing one’s male organs seems like a deep level of self-hatred. It isn’t easy or fun to be with someone who fundamentally hates themselves.
Post # 13
I think you have given her good advice. Honestly, the best thing I think you can do now is to give her a little bit of space. That way, you won’t feel so frustrated or so much like a broken record the next time you talk to her, and hopefully it will give you friend some time for your advice to sink in.
Post # 14
What a rough situation. However I think your advice was really good. They are basically her only 2 options. He will not change his mind. People who want gender reassignment don’t arrive at that decision on a whim, it’s something they generally know from quite a young age.
Just tell her you’re sorry that you can’t help more on this issue, it’s her decision to make, and that the options you’ve already told her are the only ones available to her. This may make her realise that you’ve tried to help as much as you can, the rest is up to her to figure out.
Post # 15
@missEspinoza: I don’t know if you meant it to, but your ‘advice’ comes across as a bit judgemental and rude. It’s not that easy to walk away from the person you love, especially when they’re going through a tough time. I’m sure that there are people who would find it easy to simply drop and abandon someone they love in their time of need, but this isn’t the case this time, so you came across as being narrow minded and bigoted.
OP, have you considered asking this question on lgbtq forums? Or transgender forums?