Post # 1
My heart is so sad today bees. Like, sadder than it’s been in a long time.
My best friend was pregnant, 30 weeks. She lives eight hours of driving from me and I just finally got to see her gorgeous pregnant self for the first time on Saturday. It was a beautiful thing.
Today she texted me; they found out the baby didn’t make it and she’s going in to be induced. I suspect she’s in there right now doing one of the hardest things she’ll ever do. I can’t even imagine.
My heart is broken for her. I’m mad at myself for the moments of jealousy I had throughout her pregnancy. I’m mad at the universe, or god, or whoever. I’m just not okay with this. It’s not fair. Life is just not fair.
Im going to try to Get a couple days off next week to go up to be with her for a few days. The drive has always seemed daunting and I’ve only actually been there once since she moved but now, now it doesn’t seem so far anymore.
What do I say? What do I do? I don’t even know how to react, I don’t know what the right words are.. I dont even think there are words that are right.
If anyone has any insight, I would really appreciate it. Anything. I’m sure I could fake it and figure it out but honestly, I have NO clue what she’s going through and no idea how to be helpful except to offer to go and be prepared to drop everything and drive for a day.
What do I say bees? My heart is just.. On the floor. Life is cruel.
Post # 2
Oh my god. That is horrible. A friend of a friend just went through something similar– it’s so hard to even fathom what they must be going through. I think all you can do is be there for her, and ask her what she needs. I’m so sorry.
Post # 3
I just had a friend that lost hers at 20 weeks- she went into labor, gave birth to her baby girl, and the baby only lived for a few moments outside her womb before she passed. I don’t think there is anything you can say that will ease the pain. But you just being there- sitting there, holding her hand, holding her or even being silent- just being, will mean so much to her.
Post # 4
lalalyanne: Just be there for her in whatever way she wants. She may prefer time alone with her partner. They have experienced a death in their family.
Whatever you say, do not let these words come out of your mouth ” You are young. You can have another baby” Those are amongst the most hurtful words people say to parents who have had a loss.
Compassionate Friends is for parents who have lost a child in any circumstances. They have some helpful information on their website:
Post # 5
lalalyanne: On no, that is awful 🙁 🙁
When you go, be prepared to stay in a hotel. People grieve in different ways, but I know a lot of people just want space as well. (Especially if grieving as a couple or family). I don’t want to discourage you from going – it’s a beautiful and thoughtful thing to do – but they will probably also want time alone.
Post # 6
That is horrible 🙁 My best friend has gone through 4 miscarriages, and over time, I have learned that what helps her most is saying something like “I am so sorry, there are no words, I am here for you. Whatever you need.” Luckily, my best friend now has a 2 year old and another one on the way.
Just be there for her, and don’t try to explain it away.
Post # 7
lalalyanne: Life can be incredible cruel. A friend of myself and my FIs had her baby die when she was 34 weeks early last year. They had a short wake before the funeral and it was by far the hardest funeral I have ever been to. They shouldn’t make coffins that tiny. Her and her husband started seeing a psychatrist after it happened and continue to do so (she is actually pregnant again and almost at 34 weeks…stressful time for them).
My advice would be to be there for them as much as they want you to. I know my friend hated people saying things like its part of God’s plan. All she wanted was her baby. She has a blog and has been open with her experiences and feelings as part of the grieving process.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
lalalyanne: See what she needs and roll with it. It’s painful to say the least and she will probably never fully get over it and you won’t ever fully understand it either. Make sure she knows you care about her and that you’re always available for her to vent to about it but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t. Personally I would encourage her to engage in grief counseling ASAP because she will likely she need professional help dealing with everything.
Post # 9
I think just by being there, the right words will come to you. I don’t think you really need to say anything at all — I’m sure having a comforting shoulder to cry on is the most important thing you can offer her right now.
I would focus on just making her feel comfortable and supported. I had a friend lose a baby about a year ago, and she had several friends come to visit but they were unsure what to do. Someone eventually showed up with a stack of coloring books and crayons, and it was honestly the most therapeutic thing for her. They just colored and talked. She needed a mindless, easy task to help ease her mind in the days and weeks following her loss. Everyone processes grief differently, but having a mindless, easy activity purchased (baking cookies, coloring, etc.) might be welcomed.
Post # 10
A family memeber of mine had the same thing happen. It is incredibly traumatic. I can tell from your post that you are a very compassionate friend. Even if you don’t know what to say or do, that will come through in your actions and that’s what matters. Already the act of going to visit her and spend a few days speaks volumes. Gauge what you should do by what she wants. If she wants to talk, listen, if she wants to go to a movie to take her mind off of it, go and do that. Just being there is what matters.
Post # 11
One of my good friends lost her baby 8 days before her due date. It was absolutely heartbreaking. I did a lot of research online on forums etc to find out the best way to support her. I found the biggest mistake family and friends make is to pretend the baby never existed, not mentioning him/her and skirting around the subject. Talking about the baby like she is part of the family helps the parents more than you would think.
I had my friend’s baby’s name written into the sand from this absolutely gorgeous website that is for remembering lost babies and children. I printed out the photo and presented it to them in a pretty frame:
I also gave them this Willowtree figurine to put next to the photo, because I think it’s beautiful. My friends have had two more beautiful babies since the loss of her little angel. Her heart will never heal from it, but her other children make it a lot easier to move forward.
Post # 12
Rainstorm77: My first reaction to the figurine was it might be too soon. It’s beautiful though but maybe not for right after?
Post # 13
lalalyanne: Oh sweetie I’m so sorry for you and her. Being close to her makes it hard for you too and you should both be able to comfort each other. ): I’m so sorry for her loss and I’m sorry that you’re going to have to go through watching your best friend mourn such a terrible loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved. ):
Post # 14
Songstress_7: I didn’t mean right this very moment. I just meant in the following months. I did those things a couple of months afterwards.
Post # 15
Rainstorm77: ahh ok 🙂 That makes a lot more sense. Those are very sweet gestures.