Post # 1
It’s been about a month or so, but I was stressing because I want a small garden wedding, I’m planning a small garden wedding, but its about 80 people. When the number came up my fiance blew up and ranted how he wanted a small wedding just parents and siblings and yada yada yada. My best friend listened as I vented and was upset about not doing what he wants and thinking we had made a compromise..and everything was going to be fine. BUTT then she texted him, and harassed him about how he should do this for me and a big wedding isn’t that bad, and hers was huge(200+), but ours is really small. He defriended her on fb, removed her number and she is dead to him. He refers to her as a jerk constantly and hates she has a part in the wedding. He children are my flower girl and ring boy, she is my matron of honor. Her husband and her used their skymiles to get give us out honeymoon flights.. it’s a nightmare.
She wrote him a lengthy email apologizing etc a week or two later and he deleted it. I know she shouldn’t have texted him, he was hurt and we resolved it. i am getting my wedding, its in 66 days but every chance he gets he talks negative about her. He won’t come around. I’m not throwing away my 15yr relationship with my BFF, she is my person.
FYI: i met my fiance in May 2013, he is 4 years younger, not as much life experience as me.. We knew we had something within the first week. it’s true love, he proposed in October on my bday. We marry in April. I love him to pieces but I’m upset–is there a solution? I want Peace!
Post # 3
@GNR_PatienceWhistler: She should not have messaged him. Ever. However, he sounds like a *very* unreasonable person. Both in how he flipped out on you for your guest count, and now because of this absurd grudge he is holding for something she apologized about. My goodness, are you sure you don’t want a longer engagement? I would want more time to see what else this man will lose his cool over.
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@GNR_PatienceWhistler: Yikes! I was thinking your FI must be younger from the way he’s acting. It was very immature of him not to consider her apology email. He needs to put it behind him so it doesn’t affect your wedding day! Is he really that mad at her or mad at the fact that he’s not getting the wedding he wanted? Or the cost? There’s got to be more to it!
Post # 5
@GNR_PatienceWhistler: I agree your BFF shouldn’t have messaged him. However he is being beyond childish by not accepting her apology. And calling her a jerk all the time? What is he, 12?
I’m not sure how to resolve this, but understand that he’s showing you who he is. You better believe him.
Post # 6
He needs to grow the hell up and quit acting like a spoiled brat. Yes your friend was wrong to text him but she did/has tried to apologize. He needs to get over it and act like an adult
Post # 7
How old is he? He sounds like he hasnt hit puberty yet… Im not even going to say anything about being married within a year of starting dating, thats its own can of worms…
Are you sure you really know this guy though?
What happens when you have kids and he doesnt like your name choices? Is he going to give you the silent treatment until the kid turns 18?
Or what about when you buy a house and your dad gives you a nice down payment with the restriction that you live closer to them? Will he disown your whole family?
I know these are just hypothetical, but there are alot of compromises in a marriage, and if he cant learn to give in peacefully sometimes, its going to take a toll on you, as well as put a strain on alot of your relationships With friends and family… How far are you willing to let him go?
Post # 8
he needs to get over his negativity asap. She apolpgized, he should accept and be gracious- that’s what moral, adult humans do. They dont have to go to brunch but he should drop all this negative drama now, so you can have a happy peaceful wedding day. And because shes your best friend! Hes being a turd.
Post # 9
Yikes! I also agree that she shouldnt have messaged him, but does she possibly think that what you want is being overshadowed a little bit by what he wants? Like you’re going to miss out on certain wedding things because you’re trying to make him happy? It sounds like he’s a little unreasonable and she was just looking out for her bestie.
I personally couldnt marry someone who got so angry about the things your FI is getting angry about. Is he *actaully* angry about those things, or are his blow-ups a symptom of another problem, and these things (like the guest list, and your friend messaging him) are the trigger?
If I was in your shoes I would sit FI down and say “this is my best friend, she’s incredibly important to me. It’s important to me that you accept her appology and stop bad-mouthing her to me. it’s disrespectful to her, but moreso it’s disrespectful to me. She’s a big part of my life and this needs to end now before I continue planning my life with you.” I wouldnt tolerate FI bad-mouthing anyone I love, but he already knows that so he’d never do it.
Post # 10
Disenting opinion here…. 66 days and he just now is finding out the numbers? Shes your person? what does that even mean? She shouldn’t have stuck her nose in your relationship, and I know she’s tried to repair the rift but he got a shock on the numbers than a lecture from your friend? I’d be really annoyed if this happened to me. I would sit down calmly and talk to him about the numbers, the wedding, your bff, and see if you two should push this back a little.
Post # 11
@dv3849: Based on the timeline, she doesn’t know him at all.
Post # 12
We are getting married because we both want to. We are both stroke survivors and time is precious. We have gone over the guest list. My dad is paying. We are each inviting 8 or 9 close friends and their significant others, immediate family is 49 people and parents friends are the rest of the guests. It’s really not much compared to folks we know. He loves my family, he compromises on other stuff, we see eye to eye on most important things, but he didn’t appreciate her being a b-tch, telling him what to do. He is a mature in many other ways, but he does show many symptoms of Aspergers..He just broke off one of his own friendships over not wanting to do a bachelor party weekend for his bff because it cost too much for the majority of guys. Then the guy organizing got nasty and wrote some really stupid things via text and they are done. I’ve been with real uncompromising, selfish, abusive guys-he’s not one of them.
thanks for all your input.
Post # 13
sorry to hear about your situations and being stroke survivors and planning this with all the added stress must be tough. I would say to him if he cannot be friends with your friend and forgive her, he could at least be NICE to her face about it – even if it’s just for your wedding day. she is a part of the day and her and her hubby is being rather generous in giving you guys their air points so he can at least be gracious about that. if in the future he comes around and decides to be friends then thats cool. but make him realize how putting down your friend all the time hurts your feelings etc. the saying goes if you cannot say anything nice – dont say nothing at all… give it time he may come around…
Post # 14
@GNR_PatienceWhistler: Yes agreed, she shouldn’t have messaged him. BUT she had good intentions at heart. And I think that is great she tried to apologize to him.
He sounds like he is taking it a bit too far. He doesn’t have to love her or even like her (My SO and BFF don’t really get along) but he doesn’t have to trash talk her in front of you and go as far as saying “she is dead to me”. He doesn’t have to be overly friendly, but he can certainly be curteous and civil when she is around.
What she did wasn’t that bad. It was inappropriate and uncalled for. But I would be curious to see how he would handle someone who actually did something terrible to you or him. It seems a little childish the way he is handling it. I take it he holds a grudge?
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
She should not have called, but he reacted MUCH too harshly. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve that huge gift of the flight for your honeymoon at this point. If he plans on accepting this gift from her, he needs to act respectfully toward her. End of story.
Post # 16
He sounds like a very concrete, black and white, not-too-forgiving person. What happens when you are on the other end of that set of traits in a very direct way? Life and time are indeed precious, but all the more reason to know what you are getting into when you make the most important decision of your life. If you acknowledge there are signs of Asperger’s, even more of a reason to take it slow and really know what you are getting into.