Post # 1
So my best friend got married a month ago, in August. I haven’t seen her since.
We were supposed to get coffee last Thursday, but her new husband doesn’t want her driving at night…even though she regularly drove a few times a month to see me before she got married. That seems really weird to me.
Then I was talking to her today, and she was all, “Oh, I have all these new responsibilities now. I cook every night, and I’m making sure the house stays clean. And I want to see my husband more now [which i understand!]. Before I got married, and I would go out on a weekday, I would just let my husband fend for himself for dinner. I can’t do that anymore.”
I’m just like, what?? OK, I was married for 18 months, and we had an equal partnership. We both did chores, we both cooked, and he was more than happy to cook for himself if I was meeting a friend.
I’m hoping this is a phase, and she will snap out of it, but it makes me sad. I didn’t drop my friends when I got married, and I never expected that she would.
Post # 3
This is a sensitive topic for me (in the other direction – I have a friend who rags on me about spending too much time with my FI which is total BS) but that does seem a little extreme.
Moving in with my FI did not make him incapable of feeding himself or doing his share of the housework. He usually has to fend for himself for dinner at least once a week.
Give her a little time (did they live together beforehand? that’s a big adjustment) and then just start asking her out. If she won’t go, see if she’ll talk to you about it.
Post # 4
People change, I don’t agree or like that kind of relationship but looking arond me there are a lot of people like that, I think the best you can do is maybe change the times you guys are seeing each other.
At certain point after you reached out and done all you can do the ball is in her court.
Post # 5
@CaroBee: They lived together for 9 months before the wedding, which makes this whole thing more weird.
Post # 6
That’s sad, but I think you should go on with your life. It sounds like right now she is not able/willing to maintain a relationship with you, so you can either mope and resent her, or move on and find new things to fill your time.
As an aside, from what you say here, her husband seems a bit controlling…
Post # 7
Did they just move in together or something? Because there has literally been no change with me since DH and i got married. I still see my friends once a week and guess what? He is a big boy and can cook for himself if i’m not around. I hate cooking anyways so he does it more than i do!
I think she is being a little too extreme and falling into the male/female responsibility stereotypes of the 1950s.
But ther isnn’t much you can do about it.
(WTF he doesnt want her driving at night? I’d tell my DH to shove it if he said that to me)
Post # 8
Your friend’s DH sounds rather controlling. WTF on the no driving at night really? And if they have lived together already for 9 months there shouldn’t be to much of a change.
Post # 9
@fancymichelle: Uh, does anyone else get the “now that we are married you have to be my wife and cater to me and all of that stuff you were doing before is not as important as I am” vibe, or is this just me reading into this WAAAAY too much?
Post # 10
@fancymichelle: Maybe she just doesn’t want to hang out. I say that I need to clean or cook all the time to people that I don’t really feel like dealing with (although it’s a bit weird because you say you guys were BFFs).
Post # 11
@fancymichelle: how old are they?
My SO and I are in our 30’s….I love my friends but to be honest I love working around the house with my SO more. I still try and hang out with my friends once a month but still, life is busy. Plus I have always been kind of a loner anyway.
Anyway, If she *wants* to be cooking dinner every night and *wants* to be keeping the house clean and doting on her new hubby, then allow her to do that. You can try one more time and then leave it as “when you are ready to hang out, let me know”
IF she is doing it because she feels forced/it is the “right” thing to do and her husband expects it, that is a totally different story.
Post # 12
@JessSeny: No, I get that vibe too. And I’m pretty sure her husband is not giving up his twice a month MMA fight nigths, or his weekly football games.
Post # 13
@fancymichelle: So this part really stuck out to me as a little odd:
“Oh, I have all these new responsibilities now. I cook every night, and I’m making sure the house stays clean. And I want to see my husband more now [which i understand!]. Before I got married, and I would go out on a weekday, I would just let my husband fend for himself for dinner. I can’t do that anymore.”
Maybe I’m doing something wrong myself, but I do these things now and I’m not already married, and I do them because I want to and really enjoy doing them. It seems odd to me that the dynamic in a relationship would change THAT MUCH lol.
With that being said–I sort of wonder if this is her way of wanting to be alone with her husband more and this is a way of trying to justify it so that she doesn’t have to bail or flake and instead have a good excuse while she’s in the newly wed state to enjoy her husband and not have to worry about friends.
Did you ever watch don’t trust the b–? There is this one episode where there was this clique of mean girls and the head mean girl gets engaged and then calls up all her friends and is like ‘Okay I don’t need you anymore, I’m engaged now!’ maybe your friend is like this now?
Post # 14
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@Tatertot2003: “My SO and I are in our 30’s….I love my friends but to be honest I love working around the house with my SO more. I still try and hang out with my friends once a month but still, life is busy. Plus I have always been kind of a loner anyway.” I feel like I could have written that!!
Post # 15
@housebee: Yeah, I was her MOH. And based on her facebook posts all about her new role as “wifey,” I’m pretty sure she isn’t lying to me.
@Tatertot2003: She’s 26, he is 30. If she is happy, that’s great. Whatever floats her boat. But you have to work on your friendships, or else they wither.
Post # 16
@fancymichelle: OK, I was married for 18 months, and we had an equal partnership. We both did chores, we both cooked, and he was more than happy to cook for himself if I was meeting a friend.
Your marriage was like that but not every marriage is. My DH and I are very independent and I have a ridiculous schedule. He is often left in the evenings to “fend for himself” unless we plan on having a very late dinner (which happens often). We have a wonderful and respectful relationship and it works for us, but would not work for all.
As she just got married they are working to find what works for them. Give your BFF time to get settled into the new role of wife and eventually things will happen naturally to where she will have time to hang out. It may be that she is not comfortable being as independent from her DH as you were…you might need to make accommodations for that fact.