Post # 1
my BM asked me if a certain couple was invited (we just sent stds). the couple WAS on the guest list the bm saw 5+ months ago when we had just started planning… but they are no longer being invited due to the inevitable triming of the list. they are definately invited to our afterparty happy hr we are hosting for everyone we wish could invite but cant due to space & $… From the way she asked, and responded, im positive my BM had mentioned to these friends who used to be on the "A-list" that they were invited. Now they arent… not that many our-age friends other than wedding party & their guest did make the list- just 4 other couples: a great friend & her fiance from out of town, and 3 couples nearby we hang with frequently. chances are the BM probably mentioned to other people who were previously on the guest list (maybe 4-8 people). So should i be worried/ashamed/embarrased? or just go ahead with our plan to invite our friends/ aquaintances/ coworkers only to the afterparty & if questioned bill the reception & ceremony as "mostly family & family friends"? sigh, big mouths.
Post # 3
Oh dear. Now I realize why I am guarding the various revisions of the guest list like it is national security related. I keep telling anyone who asks that we are still working on the list… I would talk to your BM about how the list has evolved, and ask her to come clean with you about who she might have talked to. If you really can’t invite these people, I wouldn’t feel bad about it – and its then her job, not yours, to make any explaination required. If it was me I would probably be worried, ashamed, embarassed and a little angry, but I don’t think you should be pushed into changing your plans. Maybe explain to any other BMs or folks who have been party to the list that "Loose Lips Sink Ships."
Post # 4
i agree with suzanno — it’s your BMs slip up, not yours, and she should be the one having that discussion if it’s necessary. i know if i were you, i would feel embarrassed, be second-guessing my decisions, that kind of thing, but there’s no reason to feel that way. also, for what it’s worth, i’ve heard from a number of people that a "verbal invite" doesn’t equate to an actual invite (especially if it’s not from the couple getting married) and people don’t put that much weight to them.
Post # 5
no one can say someone is invited but you. I can’t believe people ask if they are! No one ever asked me, except one girl at work, but she was young and rather immature and doesn’t get the etiquette thing….and one aunt who keeps asking everyone if her son is invited (he’s 12, no kids allowed!), like, she has asked 10-15 times. she even sent me an email yesterday asking yet again, saying they had to make reservations so they needed to know! I replied, saying absolutely not, its a wedding not a birthday party and we weren’t making an exception for her and not anyone else. too bad! totally off subject, I know….
Post # 6
Well, it sounds like you’re not even 100% confident at this point who she’s talked to at all. I would call her ASAP and have that conversation first. You need to find out who she’s talked to at all and who she’s unintentionally invited. Then, if those people are not on the list, you need to put the owness on your BM to uninvite these people. She’s the one who breach ettiquitte by inviting people on her own terms. Regardless of who thinks they are or aren’t invited to a wedding, or what you hear through the grapevine as a guest, only the invitation actually invites you to the wedding. But check with your BM first and talk to her about it.