My boyfriend doesn't want to get married, but I do.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4525 posts
Honey bee

It your boyfriend has said he doesn’t want to get married, believe him. If you can handle being with him for a lifetime without a marriage, then do so. If you can’t, cut your losses and leave. 

Post # 4
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

are you wanting to leave if he doesnt change his mind ? if he doesnt wanna get married, how does he feel about kids. or would you be against having kids with someone your not married to.

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First off I’m going to say. I’m sooo sorry you have to deal with this. It’s not one of the fun parts of relationships. I’m just going to tell you that you can’t count on ever getting married to him. If he flat out says he doesn’t want to get married.. then take him at his word. He may NEVER want to get married.. and he won’t be at fault because he’s told you that. Just sit down with him and ask him if he’s serious about what he boasts about. It may be a very painful situation, especially since you WANT to marry him. At that point you’re going to have to decide like the pp said. You can 1) be 100% with never getting married to him or 2) you’ll have to end things because it’s not fair to YOU to be with someone you want to marry but doesnt feel the same way and will  never feel that way. 

Post # 6
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a rubbish situation to find yourself in, and I’m sorry.

I know you said it was a sore subject for him but you need to have an honest and open discussion with him about this because this is something that is important to you. He may keep trying to shut down the conversation but it needs to be heard. As long as you stay calm about it, and maybe head it off with “I don’t want to get married now, but I do want to get married in the future” to try and make it clear you’re not looking for him to drop down on one knee right this second.

If you genuinely can’t deal with the idea of never marrying, and he honestly can’t picture himself getting married, it may be better for you to cut your losses now rather than hanging around.

Post # 7
Member
2578 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If you REALLY feel that marriage has to be a part of your future, then you need to leave him, as he is telling you honestly this is something he won’t give you!

Post # 8
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I used to never be interested in getting married – there were so many things I wanted to do, I couldn’t imagine the SAME person every day forever, etc. But then I met my SO, and a few months in I just knew he was my forever person. So, I guess my point is people might change, but I don’t know how much it is a matter of age (I was close to 30 when he and I met) or the right person. Only you know what your relationship is like, and which it is likely to be. For now, if you’re going to stick around, you might perhaps just want to start by telling him that his boasting is hurting your feelings.

 

Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Don’t sacrifice your happiness for someone who refuses to give you all that you want in a relationship.  The right person is out there for you.  You deserve better.  It doesn’t make him a bad person, just the wrong person for you. Good Luck.

 

Post # 10
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

If marriage is a deal breaker then there’s no future with him. Either one of you will have to compromise how you feel about it or end the relationship. It won’t work if you want something he won’t give you. 

Post # 11
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry you have to go through this. First off, I have spend the first half of my 20s with men who didn’t want to committ, but I still stuck around because I ‘invested so much time’. Well thank god I left or I would still be investing time, but since leaving relationships with boys similar to your bf I am now with a man that wants what I want one day. Please, please don’t do what I did. Find someone who wants what you want. He will be sorry in the long run. Not many women will be with men who don’t want marriage.

Post # 12
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My husband now, use to say many things…he wasn’teven ready to settle down when I met him 7 years ago. The minute I saw he wasn’t in the same page as me. I stopped dating him completely. There was no way I was going to waste my time for someone who wasn’t ready for me. 2 1/2 years later he was hounding me like a puppy dog. I would not give in till i told him it was all or nothing because I wasnt playing games. We dated 2 years and I got pregnat and now we are married. Got married last week. So the point is if you are firm with him and if he really loves you he wil see.

Post # 13
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the previous posters. Since he has stated this, it may be true and he has been honest. But it could be that he hasn’t really thought it through or considered losing you.

The only thing to do is to talk to him about it. Tell him that the comments hurt you and that you can not stay with him if marriage isn’t in the future. You said that conversations abotu marriage end badly but can you be just a bit ore specific? Lots of ladies on here have experience and can maybe help you.

I dont think the fact he has said this means he really will NEVER get married…. but it COULD mean that. You cant rule it out.

It basically means you HAVE to deal with it. I think that staying hoping he will change his mind, and not talking about it, would be a mistake. 

Even if he really feels this way i think it is insensitive to shout it out so emphatically in front of people. so regardless of what you decide, it should be called to his attention.

Good luck. We are all here to listen.

Post # 14
Member
11287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

he is young.  he isn’t even thinking of marriage and why should he be.  he may change his mind but if it’s a dealbreaker, you need to make some decisions.  whatever you do, don’t force it on him.  you will both end up miserable.

Post # 15
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Totally just my own opinion: Dump him – dump him now, dump him fast, and don’t waste anymore time with him. You think you’re young now and all that because you’re in your early twenties, that time flies so quickly and before you know it, you’ll be 32 not 22 and you’ll wonder where the time went.

if you don’t want the same things in life, deal with it now and move on. You have to respect his feelings on marriage because it’s not for everyone. You deserve someone who values marriage if that’s important to you. I would just flatly tell him – marriage is important to me and clearly you’re against it. That means we have no future together. Have a nice life. There are plenty of other guys who will want to marry you!

But that’s just me. I’ve been in that boat and that’s what I did. BEST decision I ever made. 

 

Post # 16
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Guys say what they mean.  There’s no subtext, no “what does he mean by that?”.  He’s telling the truth. 

As PPs have said, don’t waste your time.  Sure, you’ve invested some, but really just your teenage years.  

This is yet another reason why I hate to see girls move in with their guys without a firm weddding date set.  Guys tend to see living together as an end in itself, not a step toward getting married like girls do.  Once the status quo is established, it’s hard to change.  

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