My boyfriend never offers to pay

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee

janerodriguez :  A friend of mine used to say “it takes a hell of a man to be better than no man at all”. Because she was happy with herself and her life and why mess that up by hooking up with a douchebag? (She’s happily married with four children now.)

So, Bee, think long and hard about why you are willing to compromise your own happiness to be with this douchebag. Stop putting your energies into this relationship and put them into your own life and self worth. When you are happy on your own and know your worth you will attract men who also know your worth, or at least you’ll know enough to reject those who do not. 

Post # 92
Member
6410 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

janerodriguez :  Do you understand what everyone is telling you: this is not normal and not what a happy healthy relationship looks like. You say you like him, but you should NOT like someone who treats you like this. When you are voluntarily with someone and they are mean to you, your response should be to leave. Immediately and permanently. Why do you want to be with someone who says it’s hard to be with you and that if you don’t do things his way you can leave? Why are you ok with that? 

Post # 93
Member
5874 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Girl….it’s time to dump this guy and move on. Is this how you want to live your life? After 7 months if he can’t buy you a subway sandwich, I can promise you it won’t change just because you’re engaged or married. He’s cheap.

I certainly don’t think women should expect a man to foot the bill 100% of the time. All I’m saying, is that my DH would have rather been run over by a truck than to have me pay for our meal at restaurant (or even split with him). Does that mean he pays for everything? Of course not. We’ve been together 17 years, married 5, and lived together 13 of those years. I do all the grocery shopping, I’m paying if I pick up something on the way home for dinner. I pay if I am out and grabbing us lunch. Going out to dinner? My DH always pays. Now obviously it’s really “our” money now…but even back when we were dating he would have never let me pay. He also would have never dreamed of making me split anything.

 

Post # 94
Member
708 posts
Busy bee

RUN, don’t walk from this one. 

Post # 95
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

janerodriguez :  Is he broke? You mentioned that you’re a student, but not what he does. I would consider his financial situation. If he’s completely broke and really can’t pay for more than his half, I’d be understanding (and hope that his brokeness isn’t from extreme debt or a gambling problem or something). But if he’s asking you to pay for your $6 sandwich because he doesn’t want to treat you, then that would be a problem.

Post # 96
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

As someone who stayed in a previous relationship for too long becuase I didn’t want to be alone – don’t do it! I was miserable, and the first emotion I felt after the breakup was relief. OP, don’t settle!

Post # 97
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

janerodriguez :  please don’t be afraid to be alone ,  you need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else .  By letting him treat you like this it shows you don’t love yourself  there are so many other guys out there that wouldn’t treat you the way that he treats you. Please move on!!!! 

Post # 98
Member
261 posts
Helper bee

Dump him!!!! But go out to a nice, expensive restaurant first, tell him you left your wallet at home and will reimburse him later. Then, when the nights over tell him you’re done. 😉

Post # 99
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

This reminds me of my ex. Wanting to keep everything separate, split everything down the line, and his whole take-it-or-leave it confrontational style. That kind of behaviour reeks of commitment issues. It definitely turned out that way with my ex.  

I’m not saying he should ALWAYS pay, I don’t think men should have to pay for everything at all. However, constantly refusing to act like a team shows a lack of commitment. I like to contribute equally financially, but go in turns paying for things rather than keeping an obsessive tally. 

Also, “I’m just scared that if I break up with him I’m going to regret it or feel alone” Is NOT a good reason to stay with someone. You’re only 22 and I know breakups are hard it feels like you might not meet anyone else, but you WILL. It’s worth it to go through the break up to be with someone who wants to actually share his life with you. Not act like he’s doing you a favour by keeping you around and making you feel like a nuisance. 

Post # 100
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

janerodriguez :  Has he been burned by someone about money in the past? My husband was not at all cheap when we met, he paid for everything, but when we moved in together he wanted me to pay half of the expenses even though he made 3x as much as me. It was all due to an ex using him for money and a place to live. Maybe talk to him about it? Someone this tight with money might be hard to work with though.

Post # 101
Member
5484 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Bees, I am truly amazed that so many of you are focused on this guy’s stinginess while completely overlooking the way he verbally assaults the OP.  He has said terrible things to her, gets ‘mean’ when they argue and somehow the OP ends up apologizing to him.

There is abuse and gaslighting in there.

I’m finding it unsettling that those issues are being glossed over by so many Bees in favor of the Subway story.

Post # 102
Member
2908 posts
Sugar bee

sassy411 :  The entire first two posts of the OP are about money issues (as well as the title of the thread). The third post indicates that he says “mean things” but the example given is “If you don’t like it, go home…”. You have to read through PAGES of posts to get anything else and many people don’t bother past Page 1 quite frankly. I doubt anyone is intentionally glossing over anything. There are so many red flags to point out here, easy to go with the one she seemed most concerned about. 

Post # 103
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

This doesn’t sound like a match and he sounds like a jerk. You should be an equal team by 7 months in. He’s busy keeping score.

Splitting the check is totally fine! Him buying you subway and you getting him a drink the next time you go out together is also fine! Him demanding to be paid back menial sums of money and keeping all that in perfect check is just… weird.

“Mean” when you fight is tough – people are rarely nice during fights. People are often dismissive during fights. You’re still learning each other, it’s early. But if it’s making you uncomfortable or doesn’t feel right beyond “it sucks that we fought” then that’s also something you need to consider.

You don’t need to be given gifts, put on a pedastal, or have any kind of story book anything. You do need to be with someone who trusts and respects you and doesn’t measure petty pieces of things.

I’d leave him. This isn’t your forever guy. 

Post # 104
Member
5484 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

leilarobs2 :  

‘Being your boyfriend is a shitty job’.

The line about being ‘mean’ is what grabbed my attention especially when you stack it on top of everything else.

I don’t mean to offend–I’m concerned about OP.

Post # 105
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

In college, I was in a relationship with a guy in Europe.  I flew all the way there to see him, and my suitcase didn’t arrive until the next day.  He bought me conditioner to hold me over because he didn’t own any.  The next day, he asked me for 5 euros. FIVE EUROS.  After I flew all the way to Europe to see him.  We also split the bill everywhere we went.  I wish I could say that I broke up with him right then. Honestly if I could go back in time I would say something along the lines of “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!” Then I would sightsee in Europe by myself lol.  But I didn’t until 1.5 years later.  He never stopped being cheap.  And he never stopped making future plans about buying fancy cars, travelling etc.  Of course that would be with my money because he does not make very much at all, even now. 

Regarding your fear of being alone, I understand that as well. I felt it before, when I was considering breaking up with my ex (best decision ever).  Instead of thinking about your fear of being OUT of the relationship, think about how happy you are IN your relationship. Are you? You should affirmatively want to be in your relationship, not just be fearful of the consequences of leaving it.

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