My boyfriend was arrested for stalking and harrassment

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This is a tough situation! I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I don’t think I can offer any advice, but I hope that you come out of this ok. There are challenges in every relationship, and I believe that trust can be rebuilt with lots of patience and communication if he is able to explain himself to your satisfaction. But if you do feel like you need to move on, it sounds like this has nothing to do with you; I would bet that if this situation is as awful as your pessimistic side suggests, it has been an issue since before you were in the picture. Good luck with everything!

Post # 3
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ThrowawayAccount:  This may be the best thing that ever happened to him- getting caught, that is. The court may order a psychiatric assessment and he may have to agree to a treatment program.

Post # 4
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

I think if you honestly think that you need to track his whereabouts you should leave him. You will get no enjoyment from a relationship with that little trust. 

In saying that this is a terrible situation and I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

Post # 5
Member
22 posts
Newbee

ThrowawayAccount:  I think that a man which shows no respect for a court order can be a dangerous man. I would be concerned about that more than whether he was/is cheating on you.

Post # 6
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

ThrowawayAccount:  so you’ve been together a year and he has a restraining order from his ex for 6 months ago….. so he was already stalking / harassing her the first 6 months you were with him and you knew nothing about it? yeah you better move on! He has no regard for a court order which to me is a pretty big red flag that there’s more going on in this man’s head and it may not be healthy thoughts. 

Post # 8
Member
7261 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’d be gone. I’d also be trying to figure out how to protect myself from him.

Post # 9
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

This man needs a lot of psychological help. Don’t be naive about that. Is your therapist a psychologist? I might contact one and pick their brain about how serious this could be and make some decisions based on that.

Post # 11
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

To me his history and whatever trauma doesn’t matter. He has no right to victimize his ex to “get closure” or whatever the eff he was doing. The restraining order should have been the wake up call, not going to jail.

Run while you can.

Post # 12
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I would be very, very concerned about the mental state of your boyfriend and the relationship. Let’s be clear, judges don’t just hand out restraining orders because someone pops over to chat a couple of times to ‘get closure’ (and even if they had – why would your boyfriend think it would be OK to secretly meet up with his ex while he claimed to be at work?). A restraining order means he was repeatedly harassing her in multiple ways – eg. both in person and on the phone or internet – after she had explicitly told him to leave her alone.

At the very minimum, he ignored another woman’s boundaries and wishes, scared her enough to contact the police and go in front of a judge, and then lied to you about his actions for pretty much your entire relationship. And even if (by some miracle) that restraining order was a terrible judicial ‘mistake’, there is no way that any decent person would then lie about its existence and proceed to break it. Feeling neglected by his parents is not enough of an excuse to justify criminal behavior, let alone lying and emotionally tying himself to another woman while claiming to love you.

I think it is very clear that he is in no mental state to be in a relationship with anyone right now, and desperately needs psychological help. The committed relationship you thought you had simply never existed. He has been obsessed with another woman the entire time, has lied to you about his location and behavior, harassed her, scared her and then broken the law to continue to stalk her. That would indicate to me that there may be very good reasons why people in his life tend to ‘abandon’ him, and also that anything he has told you about her and his other relationships is extremely suspect. Think long and hard about whether you really want to stay in a relationship with this man. You haven’t actually known him that long, and he has already proven himself to be dangerous, dishonest and emotionally unfaithful.

Post # 13
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

ThrowawayAccount:  You say this:

“I immediately went through all his files, papers, belongings, everything I could get my hands on to look for clues or patterns of a possible infatuation with this woman, or anything like that. Nothing. He has never hidden his emails or facebook from me, and has always let me look over his shoulder. He uses his phone in plain sight, never makes / receives odd texts, rarely socializes unless we are together, and I even use his phone a lot. His behavior has never changed. We are together, like, 24/7.”

Then also say this:

“If I somehow feel that this is all a big mistake and he has no ill intentions with his ex, I will demand that he work to rebuild the trust (cause the trust is certainly gone.) Passwords to everything, access to phone and laptop, no socializing without me around for a while, and maybe I’ll even track his whereabouts to ensure he’s where he says it is. He will have to earn the trust back and make changes, because I didn’t deserve this.”

Frankly, what are you planning on getting from him that you didn’t already have when he betrayed you the first time? He has already proven that he can 100% cover his tracks and you will be none the wiser. You were ‘together 24/7’ and he still found the time to repeatedly stalk another woman. You already had access to his papers, phone and email, and you saw no signs. Are you planning on setting up a chair at his work and following him out on breaks? Because otherwise there will be nothing stopping him from calling off sick or heading over to peer through another woman’s window when he should be at lunch. It’s also ridiculously easy for him to get a second pre-paid phone he keeps at work, or set up a secret Facebook, or another free email address that you don’t know about. And he clearly knows all about it, too, since you weren’t able to catch him the first time.

If you can’t trust him – and it has been proven that you cannot – then the relationship is already dead. You can’t fix him and he does not deserve your support, or to be taught that he can lie, decieve and break the law and a good woman will still stand by him. At 30 years old, it’s also unlikely that he is going to change much.

Post # 14
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Penang1885:  if you could see me through your computer I’d be clapping. Best advice ever. Said it all perfectly. 

Post # 15
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Btw I once stalked by someone. Scariest thing ever. I have NO idea how he knew where I was all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME. He started out as a sweet guy and became obsessive. Chances are his ex’s experienced this in the relationship, hence the short and sharp break ups. They may seem like they dumped him in a nasty way but I can bet there was good reason. You’d probably get more honest answers from them than him. 

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