Post # 1
So today, I had something horrible happen… One of my Bridesmaids bailed one me… and not because she can’t afford the wedding or lives far away or other time committments… but because I’m a horrible person… Yep that’s the reason…
I don’t know what to do… I am the nicest person ever, I have done amazing things for my bridesmaids to make sure they know how much I love and appreciate each one of them. I haven’t asked them to do anything but buy a dress!
I saw my BM YESTERDAY, because she’s also my hairdresser… And today she sends me an email titled “Bad News” yep can you believe it? And it it she begins to tell me all the ways she thinks I am terrible. Apparently when I saw her yesterday I mentioned a “friend” that I really do not wish to be friends with anymore and she did not like the way I talked about her. Okay, can’t friends talk to other friends candidly and not be judged? Can’t we vent about our issues with our friends to each other???
Apparently she has been feeling this way since JULY when she bailed after dress shopping because she was hungover and tired… She claims I gave her nasty looks, even though I was really trying to hide my tears as my sister bailed on lunch, my other BM didn’t want to buy a dress and through a hissy fit and she decided she wanted to go home. I had presents for all of them and was so sad… She asked if I was mad and I even said No!!!!
The thing that gets me the most is how phony she was… I gave her her BM dress yesterday… We talked about my Bachelorette party and how excited she was. She asked if there was anything I needed help with… She even just RSVPed yes for my birthday party in 2 weeks…
And then she turns around today and sends me the nastiest email ever… Then she CALLS my MOM and tells her what she is planning to do because she “Values their friendship and thinks she is really a cool person.” But she couldn’t call me… She sent the email at the worst possible time of day too…
I am a good friend, a great friend. I am usually too good of a friend and get walked all over, how did this happen? Where did this come from? Even when she flaked on so many plans I said to my friends “She’s my friend and I love her”. I never even said one bad thing about her!
Now am I sitting here wondering… do I ask someone else to be a bridesmaid? I have a friend I have wanted in the wedding for a long time…. But I feel that asking now is just being rude. No matter how good our friendship is, it’s just rude to make someone your “second choice”. What would you do Bees???
Post # 3
Sorry to hear about that. So you don’t think she has any grounds for saying you were a horrible friend? I mean, does she really sound like she pulled everything out of her ass or do you think, well maybe I was being a grouch that one time…?
As far as the friendship with her goes, I’d try to see if there was a way to still be ok with each other. Not to keep her as a bridesmaid, but just to make sure you aren’t throwing away a friendship because one or both of you is having a bad day/week/month.
As for replacing her, I wouldn’t. I would just stick with the BMs I had.
Post # 4
@EmilyJoy: Oh Emily, I am so so so sorry to hear about this. It is not you. If it was, your other friends would be honest and tell you.
People are just weird. I had a friend that I loved so much, spoiled to death, and went out with all the time. One day, she stopped returning my calls, texts. A month later, I try to call her to see what’s going on, and she told me that she hates me because I am a person that doesn’t respect myself? (????) wtf.
I bet this girl has a lot of other things going on, it’s clearly not you.
My sister had a bridesmaid bail on her wedding too for some stupid bullshit reason, and it was 3 weeks before she got married. Our dresses were special order, so she didn’t have any other choice. I walked down the aisle with two groomsmen, lol. P.S. Since the wedding, that girl realized the error of her ways and has profusely apologised to our family, but I don’t know if my sister will ever fully forgive her.
It’s up to you. Why don’t you talk to the girl you were thinking of inviting privately, and see how she feels about it? If anything, it’s an honor to be asked to be part of someone’s wedding, whether it is before or after other people are asked to be in the wedding.
Post # 5
I don’t think you’ll get many answers to this… and here’s why.
From this post, it is very hard to unravel who is in the wrong… you or her. It might be easier to unravel if you posted the full letter. Of course, you could be right… you could well be the best bride ever, and she could be an evil witch. But it’s sort of hard to tell here, with respect to you (because I do not know you!). I feel like we’re not getting 100% of the background.
As far as getting another BM goes… is this relationship with your former BM one you think can be fixed? If so, try to fix it before replacing her. Getting a new BM is also like telling the new girl they’re second best. Very tough. Could you manage with one BM down? How many do you have now?
Post # 6
I also feel like there are a lot of missing gaps in this story. For a bridesmaid to just pull out, well there would have to be sufficient reason to do so.
Post # 7
@boogiewoogies: I racked my head wondering what I did, thinking I truly am a terrible person… But here’s the thing, she’s friends with both my mom and I. I planned a great girls night for us all at my house to just have fun and relax and she said she couldn’t come and I said “It’s okay I understand”. She is a flake, she bails on a lot and I always say it’s okay…I honestly have never been rude to her. I even thanked her after dress shopping for making the day fun (because she did). I honestly do not want her as a friend after the terrible things she said about me. It would be one thing if she lied and said she cannot afford to be a BM, that would be fine. But she took this and ran with it, like we were never going to talk again, and we won’t. Not after the hurtful things she said to me.
@chic_and_fabulous: You are right, they would tell me. My sister is a BM and she is always honest. When I called them and told them all they were speechless, the didn’t understand why. My mom thinks something is going on with her and that’s why she is doing this. She has actually been saying that for a while. Your friend sounds crazy!!! Some people have issues in their lives and in turn make it out like it is someone else’s fault.
That is a good point. IF I were to approach her, i would tell her I don’t want her paying any part of the shower or anything. Her and her Husband are very good friends of ours and he’s already in the wedding.
@Rachel631: You’re right, you bring up a very good point! There’s always two sides to every story, and usually a third!! Her letter was actually not about anything wedding related. I am a great bride and I pride myself on that. I am easy going and don’t ask anything of my girls. I didn’t want to make my post ridiculously long so I tried to keep it short. I would gladly go into more detail if people would like and I don’t bore them to death. haha.
I don’t think this relationship could be fixed. She didn’t just tell me she wasn’t going to be in the wedding, she took the time to tell me everything that is wrong with me… I agree with you (on the second best) which is why I’m hesitant to ask her. I have 4 BMs, now 3. I don’t mind an uneven number actually. I would prefer 4, but I feel like 4 months out it’s just rude to ask someone.
Post # 8
@EmilyJoy: if your date posted is correct, as least she told you well in advance. obviously something you said made her feel this way. she has every right to withdraw from your bp if she doesn’t feel close to you anymore.
i would just wait to see how you feel in a month or so to see if you really want another bm or to just keep it as is.
Post # 9
@sharontobemarried: That is why this is confusing to me, because this is completely out of the blue. I have talked to my other girls and read them the letter and they are just baffled…
Post # 10
@EmilyJoy: This is crazy! I woudln’t mind seeing the letter, just because I’m nosy like that. 😉
I’ve been in the opposite situation, sort of. I was in a friend’s wedding last year, and during the 6 months leading up to the wedding I felt that we were growing apart, and little things she was doing were driving me crazy/making me resent her, yet I never told her how I was feeling. I figured after the wedding we would just sort of “naturally” drift apart and lose touch. So I stuck it out. I didn’t want to drop out of the wedding because I felt like it would mess things up, so I stayed in the wedding party. Which was a mistake, because now we no longer speak and she deleted me off FB. Even though we are no longer friends, I feel bad that I’m in all her wedding photos… So at least you can look at it that way! If she dropped the bomb on your after the wedding, you’d have to see her face every time you looked at your album.
Post # 11
@EmilyJoy: sorry to hear the drama happening. I also had drama, except it was my cousin and MOH…I almost kicked her (well she sorta implied she didn’t want to be in the wedding), so I just took it from there. At the end of the day I forgave her, and she was in my wedding. So things can work out, hopefully your friend comes around.
Post # 12
@EmilyJoy: I know this might sounds wierd- but if what you’re saying is true- I bet the letter is more like reverse pshychology. Maybe she is feeling bad about the way she acts (flakey, etc…) and then when you spoke unkindly of a friend yesterday- she used it as an opportunity?
I know- that probably sounds crazy. But stranger things have happened.
Post # 13
Long story as short as possible…
My friend seems to think I am a bad friend because I talk about other friends. Over the last few months had been a real Bridezilla and I vented to her about it… in confidence, as friends do. Nothing terrible, just the things she was doing and ways I could deal with them. She even urged me on in talking about her, my sister witnessed it many times!! Yesterday while getting my hair cut, I barely even talked about my life to her, we talked about her life and I was very supportive.
Yesterday, I was talking about my “friend” and said something about herpes and she got very upset. The reason this was important was because it was a cruical part of the story in explaining her and getting to why I could no longer be the friend I had been for her. However, I did not get to tell the story because she said “Don’t say that” so I said “okay” and didn’t…
I am thinking this is what upset her? I’m not sure because according to her email she has been holding it in for months. She has been acting strange and bailing on everything thing we plan. My mom and I think there is something going on with her, she has been a little depressed lately and not wanting to do much of anything. Upon talking this over with my other BMs, they do not understand because I am closer with them and I do not sit there and talk horribly about people all day long!
Post # 14
@EmilyJoy: This happened to one of my best friends. Not the BM part but just friendship ditching part. My friend is seriously the nicest, most genuine, kind, non bitchy person you would ever meet. And this other mutual friend of ours (I haven’t seen much of her since university so we are not close anymore, but she had maintainted the friendship) told her that she could not be around such a negative person as it was not good for her spirit. Wtf – this girl is the opposite of negative. Turns out the other friend had gotten involved with these weird spiritual people. She tried to come crawling back a number of times but my friend just can’t forget what she said and did.
Post # 15
@EmilyJoy: I think what she did was crappy, but you constantly referring to yourself as an amazing friend and person throughout this post kind of makes me wonder the BM’s side of this. I think it’s really great that you have self esteem and coonfidence in your abilities (not enough women can say that), but I’m just wondering if maybe you are so convinced that you’re a great friend to her, that you didn’t see the BM’s side of things and that’s what led to her dropping out?
Regardless of what might have happened on your ex-BM’s side of things I’m really sorry. It sounds like she is the type of person who can’t tell others how she feels – it’s obvious that she didn’t talk to you about problems in your friendship, and then she couldn’t even end the friendship or tell you she was dropping out of your wedding in person? Ugh. Try to comfort yourself by thinking about the great friends that you do have.
Post # 16
@mypinkshoes: You’re right, at least we aren’t 4 days out!! The thing is, I had no idea we were not close anymore. She was offering to help me with things, host a crafting party, ask about all the details on things and what she could help with. I also think that sending an email is not the way to drop out of a wedding. When you are in your 30s, you talk face to face or via the phone, not an email.
@Kings7911: Haha I’m like that too! I’m only hesitant to post it because I know people will take it and run with it. None of it is true and I read it to all my BMs and my mom! See that’s what I would do, I would stick it out! But you are right, I wouldn’t want her face all over my photos if she announced this after the wedding!!
@KingsDaughter: I guess every wedding needs a little drama! We were so close to having none! I’m glad you worked it out!! I fear that she will come back apologetic… but know that I know how she feels, how can we be friends??
@MrsEME: That actually doesn’t sound crazy at all!! My mom knows her very well, her store is 3 stores down from hers. She has said that she has been acting weird and kind of getting the feeling that something was up with her. And that she is not at all surprised she did this. I would not be surprised at all if that is what was happening!! I was extra nice yesterday b/c she cancelled our last date together. I even made sure to go out of my way let her know that you need to take care of yourself and have time for your. (She sent me an email previously canceling our shopping date because she wanted to lay on the couch and watch TV, her exact words). I was very supportive of the Blah-ness she had been feeling and tried to be positive for her. That’s why this is surprising to me… I would honestly not be shocked if she was doing some reverse psychology!