Post # 1
I selected 5 amazing women to be my bridesmaids. All of them except for one have been involved in planning, looking at dresses, ect. The fifth bridesmaid is very hard to get ahold of. I contacted all of my girls to nail down a date that works for everyone to go order the bridesmaid dresses. Well everyone responded, except for her. I have been in contact with all my girls, and at one time or another, four of them had made the time to try on dresses. Every time I ask her to go, she is either working or has plans already. I do know she is very busy working at a clinic, however, I’ll ask her to send me her schedule for the next month, and she never does. At the beginning of April I told all my girls that the deadline to order the dress was April 28th, everyone said ok. About one week before the deadline, she texted me and said she was sorry about not being in touch more, but she’s been out of town working for a grand opening of a new clinic and she won’t be back to Houston for another month (mid May). She asked if she could just order the dress online. What?!?1 I had already explained to all 5 girls that they had to go in to get measured and put a deposit down in person at the dress salon. Why didn’t she tell me sooner? If she can’t order her dress in time, she won’t be able to be a bridesmaid. We have been friends since 2nd Grade, and I always thought she would be my bridesmaid.
I set the deadline of April 28th because all of the dress shops told me that I had to order the dresses by the end of April if I wanted them to come in on time (wedding is October 26, 2012) and have enough time for alterations to be made. I don’t want to be stressed about the bridesmaid dresses, and I want to hurry up and order them! I have been searching for 6 months now!
My question is: Should I tell her she can’t be a bridesmaid anymore because she won’t be able to order the dress on time? I am very dissapointed in the fact that she hasn’t even attempted to join me or the other bridesmaids in dress shopping. We’ll make plans for a certain day, and then the day comes and goes and I never hear from her. I go to college and work full time, and she only works full time. Growing up I always had a busy schedule and worked at a very young age (since I was 14) so I know how to manage my time. She only went to school growing up so I know for a fact she doesn’t know how to manage her time as well as I do. We went to Elementary school, Middle School and High School together. We took the same AP classes and I still got higher grades while maintaining a full time job at 17! (She is very smart by the way). Knowing her background, should I still kick her out?
Post # 3
Don’t kick her out of your bridal party. It’s a huge public slight and a friendship ending move. Is she usually hard to get in touch with? Have you tried talking about non-wedding stuff with her? Maybe something’s going on that you don’t know about. Though honestly, it sounds like she’s just really busy with work.
Why can’t she just measure herself and call the salon and order if she’s out of town? Also, there’s PLENTY of time for her to get her dress. My wedding is the end of September and none of my BMs have ordered their dresses yet. I’m sure she can still get her dress even if she has to wait another month. She may have to put a rush order on it, but that’s her fault, not yours. Call the salon and figure out what is the absolute last date to order the dresses by and let her know. If she hasn’t gotten a dress by then, then she’s taken herself out of the WP.
Post # 4
If she can’t make it to the salon by 4/28, what’s the problem with her (or you) calling the salon, explaining the situation, and asking if they can take her measurements and credit card number over the phone and order the correct size for her? Then she can come in for alterations later. I mean, you’d think that most bridal salons have work-arounds for BMs who don’t live in town.
As for whether or not you should keep her, that’s up to you. But–and this is a little tough love–even though you describe her as irresponsible and flaky, I dunno. She just sounds more busy to me–especially because in the context of this message, YOU sound a bit control-freaky. I mean mentioning that you were a better student IN HIGH SCHOOL as grounds for her adult personality seems sort of petty (and unfair) to me. It’s also not fair for you to make assumptions about how much time she does or doesn’t have on the basis of her “just working full time.” That’s like people assuming teachers have a lot of spare time because school hours are 8-3 and they get summers off. It’s offensive to make such judgments on other people.
In this case, you told your girls that they had until the 28th–which hasn’t even come to pass yet. I’m not convinced that your friend is “irresponsible” as you seem to assume–if it were me and someone told me I had until X date to do something, then I would mark my calendar and get it done on my own time. And I would NOT appreciate the bride calling me all the time to ask me if I had done it yet–especially if it was before the due-date. And your friend WAS responsible in calling you to tell you she couldn’t make it to the store. That may be because something came up for her last minute and she can’t leave her job or travel. Such is life.
Focus on the big picture and ask yourself: as annoying as her behavior is, do you love this girl as a friend enough that it would make you disappointed and depressed if she wasn’t there with you helping you get ready on your big day or standing next to you at the altar? Because for all the drama over dress fittings and the like, that’s really the only thing that will matter in the end.
Post # 5
it is ultimately up to you but maybe she can go to a bridal shop wherever she is to be measured and call over the phone to pay the deposit ( my bridal shop allowed this as i had bridesmaids all over the country) if she can’t do that then she ultimately kicked herself out by not ordering her dress in time…. the only other option is that many designers will charge extra for rush shipping on dresses so she would have to pay the additional charge for not doing as you asked…
Post # 7
I have to agree with @BothCoasts:. I’m sort of shocked that you used those terms to describe this woman you call a friend and a Bridesmaid. This is a wedding. As the saying goes, “no one cares about your wedding as much as you do.” It is common for people to miss deadlines and be scatter brained. Is it annoying? Yes. Is it grounds for “kicking her out”? No. Honestly? Lesson learned for you! Set deadlines a week or two in advance now. There’s really no reason she can’t call her measurements in. If you can get this organized for her and she STILL won’t do it…then you need to sit her down and have a chat.
I know this is stressful, but it’s going to be the first of many things that may happen before October! Take a breath and have a glass of wine!
Post # 8
Thank you ladies. @MilksMom, I told my girls almost a month in advance when the deadline was. Each time I walked into a dress shop, the ladies working there looked at me like I was crazy when I told them my wedding was this October. I’ve felt so pressured to find and order the dresses for months now. Her going out of town was not a last minute thing. Sorry, I wasn’t clear about that before. After I had already told her about the deadline, she made the choice to go out of town, knowing she would miss the deadline. I’m not saying that she has to change her life for me, I’m saying that she just needs to communicate. She didn’t tell me she was out of town until a couple of days ago. We do speak about other things besides my wedding, I am not a crazy bride-to-be that only talks about her wedding. Trust me I Know I’m not. I am a wedding coordinator and I know a bridezilla or a crazy bride when I see one. Planning a wedding is the easiest thing in the world, but finding a beautiful couture gown for my girls was torture! I see so many hideous dresses at work and I didnt want to do that to my girls. She got engaged a couple of months ago and was telling me she wanted to get married this September, I said go for it! She’s been waiting on that ring for too long now, no sense is waiting another year for a wedding. Any other bride would’ve said “Uhhuh! I don’t think so, wait until after MY wedding!”
Very importantly, The dress shop does not allow for measurements to be sent in. They will only order the dress if they have taken the measurements. I hadn’t thought about putting a rush on her dress however. Quick question: will the shop go ahead and order the 4 other dresses, knowing there is still 1 more to be measured? I heard from many of my brides that all the bridesmaids dresses are ordered at the same time by shop dress shop.
Post # 9
I had to tell one of my girls that I no longer wanted her in the bridal party. For MONTHS I tried to get together with her, tried texting her to chat, tried to make plans & she never, ever had time.. it was always “Im working” & on weekends pictures were posted of her out with her other group of friends. Sorry, but I don’t want someone standing up there beside me on such an important day when she has no interest in just being my friend. And I wasn’t just going to suck it up b/c I asked her & its a “rule” to not unask someone… We haven’t talked since I told her, but we weren’t talking for months anyways before that? It sucks, it really does.. but you have to do whats best for you & how you feel. If there’s resentment towards someone.. it’ll be an issue until somethings done. I get where you’re coming from, I honestly do. But just do what you think is best & thats all that matters.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
That bridal shop is *ridiculous*- what if you had a bridesmaid who lived out of town? One of mine lives in NYC, no way I would ask her to come to Baltimore just to get measurements taken. If they want the order, they’ll have to accept the measurements she provides. There’s nothing special about taking measurements- my bust is going to be the same measurement in Texas that it is in Maryland.
Post # 11
Basically, I don’t think you should actively kick her out–if she doesn’t get a dress, that’s on her, and therefore she’s making the decision to back down.
I agree with the other posters that she should be able to get her measurements done anywhere and send them in to the salon via phone or email. I see you’ve said the salon doesn’t let you do this–can you explain the situation to them and ask for an exception? Only 2/7 of my bms got their measurements taken at the salon I ordered from, which was a very high end place–it’s totally possible.
She knows the deadline–just let her know that the measurements need to be at the salon by then because that’s when the dress order is going in. If she doesn’t, then she’s not getting a dress, and she’s making a decision to step down. Or, you can order her dress separately on a rush order when she comes back; the reason I’ve heard for their not doing this is there could be subtle differences in the fabrics if they’re ordered separately, but that seems like a small risk, given this girl might be flaking out anyway.
Post # 12
I can’t believe you actually said, “She only went to school growing up so she doesn’t know how to manage her time.”
She’s an adult. She sounds like she has a very busy, very demanding job. Maybe it’s YOU that doesn’t really “get it” because perhaps your job isn’t as demanding or require as much of your time. Just because she’s been too busy to be anything other than your FRIEND during this time (ie, no time to be a bridal slave) does not mean she can’t manage her time. Stop trying to rip this poor girl apart- it makes you sound like you think you’re superior, and doesn’t paint you as a very nice person.
She can have someone measure her and call the bridal salon and give them the measurements. I’m sure even your bridal salon probably has a chart that shows where on the body to take those measurements that they could photocopy and you could send to her. This is not curing cancer. This is something that is easily solved.
I suggest you remind yourself, every day, that there is life after the wedding. You are going to need to scale it waaaaaaay back if you want to keep this girl as a friend after the wedding. Not because she will drop YOU as a friend, but because you will twist things in your mind, making her out to be the bad guy, until you forget why you are lifelong friends with this girl and drop her as both a friend and a bridesmaid in a fit of Selfish Crazy Bride.
Post # 13
What kind of bridal shop doesn’t allow measurements to be sent in?? I have never heard of this. Plus, your wedding is still six months away…you still have plenty of time.
If you do “kick” her out of the wedding, be prepared to say goodbye to the friendship. If you aren’t willing or ready to lose her, I would hold off on the kicking out.
Post # 14
Why don’t you give her an out? “Hey, Friend, it seems like you’re really busy. Would it be better for you to be a guest?” If she says she still wants to be a BM, tell her that she has to get in by X day. (Check on the rush option.) Don’t end a friendship for this.
Also, completely ridiculous that they can’t call in. Ask the salon again. I had a BM in Australia (I’m in TX). There would be NO WAY she could have come in.
Post # 15
@Miss Root: & @Legallyblondiebride: I couldn’t agree with you both more!
It honestly sounds like she’s really frickin busy. When you have a very demanding job and just got engaged yourself, it’s hard to keep track of deadlines you’re given from other people. I think you’re being pretty harsh on your friend. And, I’ve also never heard of a bridal shop that won’t allow for measurements to be called in. That’s just plain ridiculous. What if you have a bridesmaid across the country who can’t come in to be measured? I think you need to push back on them and let them know that you have a bridesmaid who has an extremely demanding schedule and she won’t be able to make it in. Cutting her out of the wedding will guarantee that you’re cutting her out of your life.
Post # 16
I have a bridesmaid who suddenly became flakey and unresponsive. I found out yesterday that it’s because she’s upset that I didn’t call her specifically to tell her who the maid of honor and matron of honor are before putting it in an email to the bridesmaids. I thought it would be rude to say, “oh, and by the way, you’re not the maid of honor” but you never know how people are going to take things. I did call her and ask her to be a bridesmaid and she seemed thrilled. I would never kick her out of the wedding, and I’m not going to treat her any differently than I have been. She’s my friend, and if she wants to make it a problem, then so be it. I’m not going to let it interfere with me, especially if she’s just going to avoid me and pout.
That being said, people are going to do what they’re going to do. Just make sure when you look back you don’t say “I wish I had done things differently.” Be the bigger person and try to make it work, and if she doesn’t get done what needs to be done, well, you tried!