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Wow. I think you should tell your brother after the wedding how you felt used by his new wife during this whole weekend.
Because honestly... I wouldn't hold my breath expecting a "Thank You" card.
Wow, I'd be upset too! She owes you a lifetime of thank you's! However, in an attempt to maintain positive, I'd just continue to remind myself that I'm doing it for my brother. And you know that your family sees what a wonderful help you've been. They're the ones that truly matter!
I think what im annoyed about it is that a friend of mine..ive called at 8.30 at night has gone out of her way to help. (my hairdresser friend is in one of the top salons in the city and there is a 10 week wait to get in to see her and the fact that shes going to do it last minute and.. probably do it for half the original amount is a lifetime of thankyous on my behalf and should be for FSIL) FSIL knows how good my friend is as she has seen my friends portfolio sitting on our dining room table and raved about it. To me its a big deal, because Im calling a favor from a friend in her spare time and Im worried that she wont get any thanks from FSIL if i cant even get a thanks from her for organising it?
i think thats what im more worried about or going to be upset about if she doesnt say thanks.
I know it shouldn't be your responsibility, but maybe have a little gift for your friend to show her how much you appreciate her efforts. Even just a thank you card and dinner gift certificate or something. It's hard to swallow, I'm sure, I'd be pretty upset, but just try to think from the perspective that you are doing all of it for your brother!
When you told her about your hairdresser friend being able to help, did you explain that your friend was doing a huge favor and how lucky she was that she had time?
I hate to even ask this, but are you sure this girl really wants to get married? She doesn't sound very excited about her wedding - she sounds really distracted, like her mind is elsewhere!
You're an incredible sister to do this all for your brother's sake, and while your FSIL may be too self conscious or anxious or distracted or whatever to recognize it right now, hopefully someday she'll be able to recognize everything you did to help her out.
She sounds like a brat. VERY lucky to have a super nice FSIL like you to help her!
oh she wants to get married.. I think the impression I got tonight from her family is that she is always this disorganised and really has trouble making decisions (obviously) so people have to step in, then she steps back again and gets all quiet.. However, because she is being so disorganised, people do need to step in and I think she feels pushed into decisions because she hasnt made up her own mind in time! everything last minute!
It sounds as if FSIL has always had people come to her rescue--it's what she expects. Why would she change now. I think that you should just forget about the fact that she hasn't acknowledged you. I don't think she ever will. What is really nice is that EVERYONE else has seen how you've stepped up to the plate. In any event, those are the people who really matter.
If her family thinks she's disorganized, then it seems that they've always come to her rescue. And since you're "family," she expects you to also.
I can totally see how you feel used!
This is not the right time, imo, for you to confront whackadoo FSIL, but after the wedding, I think you should sit down with her and explain that she really needs to write thank you notes (maybe with gifts) to the people that helped her pull it off. Hairdresser, cake guy, bridesmaids, etc. Bring cards with you and watch her do it, really, that might be the only way it gets done, and then maybe it will sink in that she needs to say a huge thank you to you too. But if you make it about you needing thanks you could cause serious friction, which would be hard on everyone in the prep for your (organized) wedding.
ahh... so maybe it's hard for her to be grateful because she's struggling with feeling out of control of her own wedding.
If people have been making her decisions for her her whole life, she probably doesn't even know HOW to make decisions for herself. With two days left, it's obviously too late for the wedding, but maybe in the future you can help her learn how to make decisions? Or help enable her?
Like, if she was planning a party and you were helping her, you could give her some leads on ideas, and be like, "We need to choose what kind of cake to have by Thursday, so we can order it for Saturday. So let me know by Wednesday, please." For more complex stuff you could help her work through pros and cons... seems like a lot of hand holding, and who knows if it will help, but maybe ?
Obviously I don't know your situation so please just ignore me if I am way out of line, but I'm going to play devils advocate for just a minute. Some girls really don't care about their wedding. My SIL didn't. Granted she is the nicest person on earth and was more than grateful to my mom and hers who planned the whole wedding. But if there was no cake, she wouldn't have cared, no hair stylist, no big deal. I know we all know and care about these things so it seems crazy and irresponsible that someone didn't think of them but maybe she really just doesn't care about the wedding details. Maybe she isn't thanking you because she really doesn't understand the lengths you are going to? It also sounds like she didn't ask you for help so maybe she is kind of oblivious? Hopefully either your brother or her friends and family clue her in soon on the fact that she owes you many thanks.
I think you are an amazing SIL to do everything you are doing for her. I hope that she wakes up and realizes it and gives you the huge 'thank you' that you deserve.
Thanks for the input ladies... Im emotionally tuckered out for the night. ive deemed to put a happy face on for the next few days and take it my stride. I will say thank yous to my friends who have helped and I got a text message from my hairdresser friend to say, bring a bottle of vodka for after the wedding, so I think the wedding reception will turn out great.
Im doing this for my brother totally but I wished she got her butt into gear, so she could have had the things she wanted so she can actually enjoy her day? I really hope she does.
Next time.. god I hope theres not a next time.. Im not giving her responsibitily for anything in my wedding. Its too unreliable. You think at the age of 27 she would have a few organisational skills by now.
Thanks again!
I'm a super organized person, and I was especially so for my own wedding, but I understand that not everyone is like this. It's really aggravating - I can only imagine how frustrated you must be - but there are a lot of people who are the opposite of organized and they don't often realize the toll it takes on other people around them. I guess we all have our shortcomings. The no thank you's is bothersome as well, but I've run into people like that as well - I chalk it up to not being raised to say thank you or the person just being oblivious to proper social behavior. I dated a man for 3.5 years who never said thank you to a single person, ever, and I'm the kind of person who says thank you for everything. He was otherwise a wonderful man, so I just chalked it up to one of those personality quirks, and let it go.
Keep doing what you're doing for your brother's sake and don't take too much of your FSIL's actions - or inactions - too personally. The disorganization is probably going to be a lifetime personality thing - I'm completely absent-minded myself and i hate it - but it might be worth a mention to your brother at some point that you felt that FSIL didn't seem to appreciate any of the help for the wedding and it hurt your feelings.
I really don't know you or this girl - but she sounds like my sister. She does this stuff to obsolve herself of having any responsibility whatsoever in the outcome of the situation, and so other people have to come to her rescue which gives her the love, attention, appreciation, and acceptance that she seeks. Pisses me right off and it's a control mechanism like people that are habitually late. Took me years to look her in the eye and say "wow that really sucks you forgot that, well good luck putting everything together" and not swooping in to help her.
That or your FSIL really doesn't care too much about the whole wedding thing and she and your brother are too madly in love to be bothered with such details as hair, makeup, cupcake tins, etc. In which case I applaud them :).
It's hard - on one hand you are doing a lot to help her and she should absolutely be thanking you and appeciating you. Especially since you haven't forced anything on her but just offered help. It is rude and thoughtless of her.
On the other hand things like a hairdresser really really aren't a necessity for a good wedding. Presumably she does her own hair all the time and your brother loves her, she'll look beautiful on the day no matter what and it doesn't sound like she was freaked out about not having a hair dresser, it sounds like you were. So I can see how she might feel that she's just letting you do what you want because you care about it and she is not much obligated because she doesn't care. (Still rude).
(Also a possibility that your disaproval of her organizational skills has leaked through and upsets her and so makes her less thankful or polite to you.) (Also, you're doing this for your brother so it's kind of his responsibility to thank you etc. I hate how it's the bride who is responsible for the wedding just because she's a woman and the groom gets a pass.)
And last, whenever offering a lot of help or money or anything the rule of thumb is to not do it if you need thanks for it. Gifts have to be offered freely or it's misery for everyone around. If you want to do something nice do it but don't do it because you want someone to appreciate you. (That's a lot harder then it sounds so by no means am I chidding you. In your place I'd feel peeved too.)
arachna.. thats why I was saying.. I feel as tho I need her thanks? Im not expecting it.. but its what Im feeling about it. I dont want to do all this work and her say... yeah i let my bros sister take care of it, I want her to know.. that not just me... but other people are dropping things and running around for HER. I think its purely selfish that shes letting other people take care of it and not saying. I would appreciate your help in organising this this and this... If she appreciate any one bit of what people are doing for HER wedding... she should say so and not just to me.
The more I think about it, the situation is selfish on her part. you cannot go through this world with people bending over backwards for you/her/everyone without being grateful... you wont be liked..
anyway im getting angry writing this.. I need to think positive... more importantly I should prob go to bed and sleep this off.
ccranetobe,
I don't disagree with you but I feel strongly that the solution to this kind of person is not to do everything and then berate them but to be nice to them and not offer to do anything or spontaneously run around doing things. Either they will learn how to do things on their own, they will ask for help and thus be more grateful, or they'll deal with not having things work out. I realise it's hard in this particular case because it's your brother's wedding and it's probably important to your parents that it goes a certain way. But this can be a good lesson to everyone on how to behave in regards to FSIL.
You can't control other people only yourself. I hope the wedding is fun for everyone.
i have to agree with arachna on this one. you are being incredibly sweet and i would bet that your brother knows how great of a sister he has.
They are both lucky to have your help. I also think that maybe she didn't mind doing her own hair, or just picking up a cake from somewhere. Does it seem like this is really what she wants for her wedding or what everyone else thinks she should have?
Ccranetobe, let me say that I think you are awesome (very talented, organized and down to earth), I'm from a very involved family so I understand that family's are there for each other (what hurts them hurts me to).
That being said: I've been reading your posts about this lady for a while now, and I see a pattern. This chick is going to do things last minute, you feel like you need to step in so you sacrifice and work hard on what she needs, then she tells you that she doesn't need it (invites, photographer) or doesn't thank you and you get upset.
You are right, she is selfish. I can totally tell how important your brother is to you, but I have to say, you are setting yourself up here. Again and again. Is it really that surprising to you that she is not going to be greatful? That's who she is.
I think the best thing for you and your family would be to accept that. She isn't going to get things done for her wedding and probably for her marriage, their kids, etc. That's her choice.
Now, you do get to choose how you are going to react. Are you going to swoop in and save the day? Great, but know that you can't expect her to care, because she didn't in the first place.
Are you going to sit back and let her flounder? Fine, watch it all burn down into dust, and be prepared for the tears.
Either way, this is the woman your brother chose. He loves her for who she is. Perhaps your love for him will be enough for you to accept her for who she is as well.
today is wedding day... Im about to head to the hotel to meet my friend whose doing the hair for the girls.
Let me tell you ladies.. that yesterday, was eventful.... but Ill leave that for another post. I am REALLY excited to see all my extended family and cousins today... and my aunty and uncles came down yesterday so I was on the airport shuttle run.
Also I made my first card box.... not for my wedding.. but for theirs. let me tell you it was a hack job.. but by god it was fun :)
Anyway focusing on the positives today.
:) and... The only way I coped through yesterday was by hitting my imaginary IGNORE button :) and it worked... so heres doing that today.
thanks for your input girls! its good to have wedding bee just to vent sometimes. Hard to talk to family members when its your own family? also my dad had a talk to my brother yesterday.. and I think it helped.
I'm not sure if you want to post, but i have been waiting on updates of your brothers wedding. Mostly on how your FSIL behaved etc. I've been following this thread for awhile just curious as to how it went.
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so the other week I posted about my brother getting married and that his FSIL and his organisation skills suck. There was so much to do.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/brother-is-getting-married-in-26-days-and-its-in-a-shambles <background info here.
I have just come back from a semi rehearsal dinner? litterally the bridesmaids, groomsmen and family went out for chinese. After discussion with FSIL she still hadnt booked hairdresser... thats right TWO days before the wedding. I said I could be able to help by calling my hairdresser friend and she could do it if she wanted? She said yes, so i called and litterally FSIL is sooooooooo lucky that my friend will be able to do it. i told her the news.. and she said.. oh ok... no thankyou or zip.
I talked to MOH who happens to be FSIL sister... and she was saying that FSIL was really disorganised and that we would litterally have to take over the reigns. So.. I helped as best I could without being organisational bitchy literally just answering whatever questions they had and Im meeting up with the MOH tomorrow at 8.30.
My brother and FSIL have travelled 4hrs to get to my parents place were they are getting married.. and literally forgotten, half the things they were supposed to bring.. i.e cupcake pans, ingredients.. groomsmen shirt.. FSILs makeup.
I managed to be able to call my cake decorator at 9pm at night, and he has come to the rescue with bulk ingredients.. and im picking them up tomorrow.
I got thanks from my brother.. but no thanks from her.
I dont know why that is upsetting me so much. I feel used almost. But im determined to keep positive. Not step on her toes and help my brother out the best I can without being controlling or organisational queen. My mum is really grateful and so is FSILs mum and the bridesmaids are saying, I do not know what we had done without u.
So i feel as tho im helping okay.. I just feel I need her thanks? is that wrong? Should I be right to expect a thankyou?
Anyway... going to be a long day tomorrow! im hanging in there!