My child is disappointed by how I look

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 midsummer:  Aww. Don’t worry. your daughter is in an inquisitive phase. Can you put together an album of your family story? So she can flip through the pages and see pictures of when you were pregnant, in the hospital, her as a baby etc? I Did this for my daughter she has blonde hair and I have dark hair, olive skin. She would always ask me why LOL! To this day, she keeps that album in her room and once in a while i’ll catch her looking at it..she’s 18! 

Post # 3
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Wow, that must be so hard to deal with. It sounds like you are handling it as well as could be expected though. Hopefully she will grow out of this stage sooner rather than later. Is it possible for you to spend some more time with people of other ethnicities? Going out to festivals, etc. and seeing more people might help her to realise that your family is nothing unusual.

Post # 4
7282 posts
Busy Beekeeper

midsummer:  I am sorry you are finding this so tough. I was this child, wondering why my dad wasn’t the same colour as me, mum and my sister. What my thoughts came from was wanting to be more like my dad. I idolised him as a young child and I didn’t understand why I didn’t look like him. I even coloured my skin in with a brown marker to make me match. 

I would say this is your child trying to work out why her family is different from everyone else’s (given what you have said about your neighbourhood) and about trying to identify with her mother. Little girls love their mother’s and she probably is confused to why she can’t be just like you.

Post # 6
805 posts
Busy bee

midsummer:  Aw, that must be really hard for you. I’m 100% sure it’s just a phase, and she just wants you two to look the same because she loves you. My parents are different races, and when I was younger I had similar thoughts to your daughter because even though I grew up in an ethnically diverse area, there weren’t many mixed kids so it did seem a bit weird that I looked nothing like my mom. I grew out of it!

Post # 8
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i’m sorry you’re dealing with that – it must be tough. i would definitely explore books about adoption, diversity etc. i know she’s not adopted, and that you are a traditional family in some ways (mum, dad, child) but maybe reading books about kids who are adopted, have mixed race parents, same sex parents etc will open her eyes to see that families can look very different than mom, dad, child who all look alike.

also – regarding her colouring, kids change like crazy. my brother is 26 and has hair that is nearly black, but until he was about 6 he had white blond curly hair – you never know who she’ll end up looking like. 

maybe there are some movies or children’s programs that would help? wasn’t there a disney princess movie recently with an african american princess? i would emphasize the beauty in other races – ie isn’t this woman’s skin beautiful? i love her hair/eyes etc – it may take a while, but i bet she’ll start agreeing with you and hopefully learn to be happy with your differences. 🙂 

Post # 10
9856 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

midsummer:  I come from an all caucasian family, but my immediate family all has dark hair, dark eyes, tans easily etc, except for my sister who has light eyes, blonde curly hair and burns if she looks at the sun.  She was convinced for a long time that she didn’t belong in the family until she saw pictures of her grandmother (who is deceased) with whom she looks almost identical.  Children are funny, they respond to visual things and ask very direct questions, they don’t understand that the questions can hurt your feelings.  She loves you, all you can do is answer her questions and support her curiosity 🙂

Post # 11
9856 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

midsummer:  maybe look for families that also have children that naturally look different than their paretns – Heidi Klum and Seal had a few kids and if I remember correctly they all look very different and have different colouring.  If she sees more real life examples of children who don’t look like mommy or daddy it might help?

Post # 12
31 posts

Girl Step 1 is stop calling them “dark people”  refer to them their ethnicity or call them black (I am african-american and its ok to call another african-american “black”) .  step 2 The next thing is to get her some children’s books that celebrate different skin colors/diversity has an amazing selection. step. 3 find some playgrounds in your city (where do you live by the way?) where you see black kids/ or ethnicially diverse kids playing and take your child there reguarly. when you kid is playing at this playground….making friends with the moms that are also there and ask where they take their kids to have fun (stores/ activities etc..)

step 3. enroll your child in after school activities in another school with a big ethinc diversity. step. 4 keep talking to your child about how being physically different is not bad and is actually a good thing. 5. limit your child’s interaction with too many blonde haired/blue eyed children ( if your child only has white friends then that could be influencing her to see “dark” people as bad/unwanted)

Post # 13
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

She is just trying to figure out how to make everything fit when it doesn’t seem to by standard stereotypes. Mind you, archetypes/stereotypes is how kids learn: long hair = girl, short hair = boy, for example. Then they meet a girl with short hair, and their minds are BLOWN. It’s part of the learning process, and she doesn’t realize it’s painful for you because she’s got kid logic: I want to be like mommy but mommy doesn’t look like me, WTF? She’ll figure it out :).

Personal story: my mother wore GIANT glasses when I was little, because it was the early 80s. One time she came to my bed in the middle of the night without them – you know, cause it was the middle of the night – and I refused her. Told her out right, “You are not my mother. My mother wears glasses.” and wouldn’t let her touch me until she put them on. See… kids.

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