Post # 1
I need help bees. I am at a loss on how to respond to my friend’s RSVP.
I am having a small intimate wedding in our family backyard. We ballparked 50 guests. We invited close family members and friends. My side is very small compared to FI so only my list are we adding my friends, but this particular friend I used to consider family so hence she made the guestlist.
We were childhood friends for many years and she came from a very broken abusive home. She even has lived with us years ago. She considers my parents and me her family. She eventually moved out in her teens to live far away with her mom. Living with her mom has led to a road filled with many tears and mistakes. She is now married with children to a man you would expect a uneducated broken abused girl would be married to. I do not completely dislike her husband or her mother but it was just the hand she was dealt and she is doing the best she can with her life. Had I not considered her like a second sister I doubt I would ever be friends with a person like her or her family.
Fast forward to my invites. I invited her and her husband(I did not mention her children) to our wedding because I would love to share my day with her. She writes me back telling me she is bringing her two kids(kindergardenish age and tot), her mother(they still live with her), her sister(also lives with her and we were once friends) and her sister’s wife(never met her).
Sooo I am at a loss. I kind of expected her to include the kids because she could not afford to have a babysitter and her mother is not mentally fit enough to be left alone with them. I like her sister but I haven’t seen her in years! And now the sister’s wife! Who is she!? I am not against the idea of children at the wedding but they will be the only ones there and her oldest is a spawn of evil(he hurts animals, hits people, screams). I also expect her husband to be stoned throughout my whole wedding but I knew that came with the package when I decided to invite her to my wedding.
I guess I am regretting inviting her knowing that if I don’t let these extra people come to the wedding she will fight with my mother and sister and may cut off ties with us all together. Even though we aren’t the closest in the past few years I feel like she is my sister and I love her. I wish she wasn’t this rude to put me on the spot.
I could use some advise on how to handle this. Technically we could have all these people there but I am ashamed to admit I don’t want them meeting FI’s family and my family coming in from out of town. Had it been just her and her husband I could have dealt with it but now it is the whole dysfunctional Brady Bunch.
Am I over reacting? I feel like they are coming whether I like it or not. My mom feels like now they invited themselves it would make the situation worst and hurtful to NOT invite them and just let it happen.
Advise please! I could use a outsiders opinion! How should I handle this!?
Post # 3
I would call her back and say, “I’m sorry, but the invitation was only for you and your husband. We have a very small guest list, and we can’t accomodate the rest of your family.” Something like that but probably nicer. I wouldn’t back down.
Post # 4
@IreneGoodnight: The other people were not invited. If her sister is available to come to the wedding, she could ask her sister to look after her children rather than her mother.
“There must have been some misunderstanding. We are having a small intimate backyard wedding and unfortunately are not able to accomodate extra guests. I hope the fact that we cannot include your children, mother, sister and sister in law doesn’t mean that you will be unable to attend, but if it does, we will miss you at the wedding.”
As hard as it is, remember you are not the only bride who has had to deal with uninvited guests.
Post # 5
I would call her and say “I’m sorry but the invite is for you and your husband, if you need to bring your children then that is fine, but I cannot extend the invite to your mom, sister and sister’s wife. I’m sorry if this causes you any problems but we are trying to stay within budget and would really like to keep the wedding intimate. I really hope you can still make it but if not then I would love to plan a lunch or dinner with you so we can get together and catch up.” You do not need to give into them!
Post # 6
“Hey girl, thanks for sending back the RSVP, but the wedding invite was just for you and your husband. Getting a babysitter can be difficult so bring the kids, but we cannot accomodate the rest of your family. So would you like to confirm just the four of you right now?”
Post # 7
@IreneGoodnight: Arghhh… what a nightmare :-/ I think just be honest and say the invitation is *only* for her and her husband and you’re very sorry but that’s all you can manage with the guest list. There really isn’t much else to say. If her mother isn’t fit to look after the kids, maybe the sister can?
Post # 8
@IreneGoodnight: I had this same problem with my wedding. We had an RSVP come back with four extra people (3 kids and 1 extra adult). Part of it was miscommunication, but they send the RSVP back on the VERY last day– we hadn’t gotten one for weeks because everyone got them back to us so fast. I was angry because it really did change the dynamics of our venue (long story)– and I was thinking “if they think it’s that important to attend our wedding, you’d think they’d have the courtesy to CALL and talk to us about four extra people, or at least talk to my husband’s mom” (this was my husband’s adoptive brother’s family). Long story short, I honestly didn’t know another way to approach it and already had enough on my plate– they came. One of them even wore jeans LOL. I don’t really care- you can’t control other people, but I thought it was funny/typical that THAT person would be the ONE person wearing jeans. We had open bar all night, including beverages for kids, so it realistically added, all said and done about another $200 to our bill after getting the kids “kids buckets” and everything else.
I was SUPER pissed about it (I have a thread about it that I haven’t looked at in awhile, but my feelings were shared over there)–
I guess it all depends on how you think telling her NO will impact your relationship– and if you care enough in case she is offended. I’m sure you’d never want to offend her intentionally, but there’s always a chance you will. She likely thinks you’re happy she’s inviting these other people LOL– who knows.
I was pissed, and I stressed myself over it- in retrospect, I would have let it go. It wasn’t the end of the world. Pick and choose your battles.
Post # 9
@MrsEME: You hit the nail on the head! I know for a FACT she likely thinks I am very happy she has invited these extra people. And YES it may effect our realtionship of I do not invite them.
I am just so torn because I flat out told half my aunts and uncles they cannot come to my wedding because of our limited guest list(part true. some I am not close with). I just imagine in my head this scenerio of my FI and I spinning around and looking a bunch of jeanfully clad wearing-dixie loving-mountaindew drinkin-child smoking hellions running around and wondering if this is a wedding or some wierd backyard barbecue that happens to host a wedding. LOL
You are totally right about picking my battles. I am still struggling with this one. I don’t want to hurt her or her family but I curse the heavens for giving me such a rough brood of univited guests. Why couldn’t it be yout typical second cousin brings girlfriend of two weeks scenerio!?
Post # 10
There’s your answer right there, “Friend, I’m really sorry, but we’re having a wedding that’s so small that we’re not even inviting all of our family members. I’m sorry, but we can’t host your children/mother/sister/sister-in-law.”
Post # 11
@IreneGoodnight: +1 to all PPs.
Put your foot down. Its absolutely ridiculous to RSVP with 5 extra guests! Thats not acceptable at all
Post # 12
@IreneGoodnight: You said yourself it is a small intimate wedding. Give her a call and stress the importance of her being there. Apologize for the misunderstanding but let her know that the other people are not invited. It’s a small wedding! You and your partner probably put a lot of time and thought into the guest list. You should not feel obligated to change it because she decided to tack extra people onto it without your say so. Just be polite and firm. (I know actually doing it is more difficult than me saying it – But, do you really want those people there? It’s YOUR wedding and YOU didn’t invite them.)
Post # 13
@IreneGoodnight: i agree with pp. you need to call her and let her know that this is an intimate wedding and that you couldn’t even invite half of your aunts and uncles due to guest limitations. if she doesn’t get the hint after that, you need to be blunt.
her additions just increased your guest list by 10%, that’s not fair to you.
Post # 14
Omigosh, I am not very good at math…..but by her adding 5 extra people to your intimate wedding, she is taking up 10% of your guest capacity! And you didn’t invite some aunts and uncles to accommodate your wishes to have a small wedding!? I would politely email her ASAP
to say the invitation was for her and her husband only due to the intimate nature of the event. WTF is wrong with people, LOL.
Post # 15
Call her and tell her the invite is for her and her husband only…. if she doesn’t like it then she doesn’t have to go… And if she decides she doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore over this then it is her loss….
Post # 16
I never even thought that it increases my guest list 10%. You guys are totally right. That is a huge jump for people I didn’t even invite!