Post # 1
Last summer I confided in my long time Roommate/friend that my fiance and I were thinking about getting married. Not too long after that she started acting like she didn’t like him anymore. I knew she had some issues but she was always friendly to him when he came over before all this so it just seemed weird. She blamed it all on an offensive joke he told, but being as she tells offensive jokes all the time I just didn’t buy it. We got engaged and that’s when it all hit the fan. She told me she thought he wasn’t good enough for me and listed all these ridiculous reasons why. Some of them I understood, he and I went through a lot in the past few months but we felt it made us stronger and ready to be married. But she didn’t see it that way. After her long speech she told me in the end, she would still support me and be there for me. Well a few days later my finance was over and she started being a little rude to him and he went off on her about everything she said to me and told her to grow up. So obviously there was tension.
She and I talked it out later, I told her my fiancé apologized and we all agreed our friendship was important and we’d put it all behind us. After that we’d invite her out and she’d decline. She acted like she was friends with me unless he was around, then she coldly kept to herself. About a month before the wedding, I moved in with my fiance and we talked about inviting her and her bf over to dinner to clear the air and have a good time. My roommate rudely declined the invitation saying she and her bf would never associate with my fiance much less eat dinner with him. She listed the things she hated about him again and asked me to never let him near her again. I got upset and gently told her off. Saying she was a great person but she wasn’t being realistic about this and tried to explain some of her misconceptions about him away. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just accept him. I told her they didn’t have to be best friends, but I shouldn’t have to go to lengths to hide him from her when we could just work all of this out. I gently reminded her she was invited to the wedding and even though she feels this way about him I still wanted her to be there. She didn’t come. I let things cool off for a few months and then I tried talking to her again. She will still talk to me online now and then but when I ask her if she wants to hang out she makes up excuses or just doesn’t respond.
I think a lot of this stems from jealousy, she’s been in a long term relationship and hasn’t gotten anywhere near married and I had a whirlwind romance. She also likes to hold things against people, so I think the times my husband has pissed her off she’s just let it build up.
Is she worth keeping as a friend? I’m tired of being the only one who tries to keep this going.. Also Note- I’m not asking her to hang out with him anymore. I’m just trying to keep our friendship in tact. I haven’t brought him up at all. I just ask if she and I want to hang out and she gets weird. Should I confront her about it?
Should I just consider her an acquaintance now or not even worth that?
Post # 3
I certainly wouldnt make any more effort regarding the friendship but I don’t have much patience for that kind of thing. If people are nasty to me and mine a time or two, I tend to write them off. She is either jealous or she knows something she is not telling you…I would bet on jealousy and I don’t waste time on petty stuff like that.
Post # 4
Has your husband ever actually apologized to her for going off on her, or did you just send the message for him? Maybe she felt like she was telling you her concerns about him (and being a “good friend”, although sometimes it’s smarter to just keep your mouth shut), but justified it by not saying it TO him, whereas he lit her up in an argument. If she holds grudges, that one maybe around for a while.
If you want to remain friends with her, have you tried inviting her to hang out with just the two of you, no mention of your husband? You may have to have two individual relationships until they choose to clear the air – you can’t force them to like each other. Otherwise, you can pick a side and sever ties. It just depends on how much she means to you.
Post # 5
@Mayonaka: Not worth the effort. Her problem.
Post # 6
I think she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with your husband. Pushing them to be around each other was a mistake. If she was open about the fact that she didn’t want to spend time with him, the two of you could have hung out “just the girls”.
I would have been pretty pissed to if I told my friend that she thought she could do better and she turned around and told the guy, and then the guy went off on me. I think that right there was the end of the two of them to really ever be able to tolerate each other.
I would let her know you want to be friends and understand if it needs to be the two of you when you get totgether and leave the ball in her court from there.
Post # 7
I think that it would be uncomfortable for me to stay friends with someone who openly hated my husband. I would stop making an effort to be friends with her.
Post # 8
I think you need to put your foot down. He is your husband, and she needs to be aware that she needs to either accept him, or you will discontinue the relationship with her. Personally, I do not think it is acceptable to be around a person who makes nasty comments about your spouse, unless those comments are truly made out of love and concern for you.
Post # 9
I have a hard time understanding why you’d relay to your husband (then fiance) the concerns your friend expressed to you. Did you want to instigate a fight? Do you like drama? Because it sure seems that way to me. If I had told a close friend those sorts of things and she turned around and told her SO, I’d sever the friendship myself, feeling I could never confide in my friend in confidence.
Is you friend the only one of your friends and family who doesn’t like your husband?
Post # 10
I told my husband because he is my best friend and everything she said really bothered me. I don’t keep things from him and I don’t understand what’s wrong with telling him. I know she would do the exact same thing. He wasn’t planning on going off on her, but she started the conversation by bringing up one of the things she said, like she knew he knew. Besides she is always trashing other people and telling me stuff our other old roomate said about me. So she is the queen of causing drama.
Yes, everyone else loves my husband. My other roommate had a little problem with him, but she told me she knew our friendship was more important than hating him. This other roommate doesn’t seem to get that.
Post # 11
Usually I would be in agreement with you, but I am actually right now texting my best friend about a mutual friend (who used to be my closest friend ever, but now isn’t because her boyfriend is a dick) and how her boyfriend is really not a nice person and if he has changed at all. We all know it, but she doesn’t and she doesn’t want to hear that he is not nice. He is really….icky is the best way I can describe it. If she is the only person in your life who has a problem with him, it may be time to let the friendship go. But if other friends or family members have expressed concerns, maybe there is something you aren’t seeing.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Only you can decide if her friendship is worth maintaining, but I can honestly tell you that it’s not that unreasonable to want to be YOUR friend but not your FI’s.
My best friend/roommate when I first met DH and I had a similar situation– except it was doubly complicated… We were living together, and she started dating a guy that I though was a complete jerk and overly controlling. I told my friend this, and it caused some tension between us. Shorly after, I started dating DH, who had a really bad history with my friend as well (small town, long story, but they hate eachother).
Anyway, we wanted to maintain our friendship, so when we get together it’s just her and me. We leave our SO’s at home because that’s what makes us both more comfortable. Do I wish that she and DH could get over the stupid crap that happened when they were 16? Absolutely– does she wish I could stop being mad at her DH over the ill words that were shared between us 6 years ago? I’m sure she does. But that’s not going to happen…
I value her friendship more than I dislike her DH, so we made it work. Only you can decide if that’s something you’re willing to do or not.
Post # 13
@juliette.eliza: That’s what I’m trying to do. I invite her out just us, but the past few times she just hasn’t seemed interested in going out. She has no problem talking to me online (we aren’t phone people). I feel like if she valued our friendship over her hate she would have been at my wedding. Or at least congratulated me on it or something!
Post # 14
I think you made a huge mistake by telling your FI-at-the-time all the concerns your friend had about him. I think she was trying to be a good friend by telling you what she disliked about your man and why you shouldn’t marry him. Perhaps she was wrong, but it takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you don’t like their SO and that they shouldn’t be with them. But, what’s done is done.
Now, she’s being a bad friend because even if you dislike someone and you think that they shouldn’t be in the relationship that they’re in, you still need to remain friendly with your friend. She should have said what she felt and when you said you were still going to marry your FI, either sucked it up and put a brave face on (which was probably hard since you went and told your FI everything she said!) or said that she couldn’t support the relationship and couldn’t be friends with you while you were in the relationship.
At this point, I think you’ve done all there is to do. You’ve tried to be friends with her and she just won’t accept. So, I would say – message her one more time and say something like, “I’ve tried to make plans with you x amount of times (or countless times, etc) and every time, I’m met with an excuse or silence. I understand you don’t like DH, but I thought we could still be friends even if it meant just hanging out the two of us. I’m putting the ball in your court. I’m tired of constantly trying to make plans and being rejected. You know how to reach me should you wish to salvage this relationship.” And end it there and move on.
Post # 15
Also, what were the reasons she cited not liking your FI?
Post # 16
I was going to ask the exact same thing. What exactly is it about your husband that she doesn’t like?