Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
This is really upsetting me and I don’t really know who else to tell (besides my FI) because I don’t want to start any drama or weird feelings with my other friends.
Here’s some background information: My close friend (and bridesmaid) just turned 20 and tends to copy whatever I do. This doesn’t really bother me and she’s said before that she does it because she wants a life just like mine and a relationship like mine someday (she’s been with her boyfriend for years, but no one really approves of him and most people think she’s settling). Basically when something happens to me, she wants it to happen to her instantly (even if it doesn’t make sense for her at her age, living situation, relationship situation, etc).
So my FI and I moved into our new house at the beginning of May and I really wanted to show her the house even though we hadn’t painted or put anything away. My FI and I are both 22 and obviously this is a big deal to us. She didn’t really seem interested so I figured it’s because she has her own stuff to deal with (she’s going to be gone for work most of the summer). I waited a couple weeks to bring it up again. I had wanted to show her the “before”, because she had wanted to be involved in helping decorate and organize, but I had to paint and pick out carpets and tiles pretty quickly so that we could get rid of the shag carpet that covers most of the home since it makes my FI sneeze.
I tried to talk to her on Facebook and sent her a picture of our bedroom with our new bedroom furniture and stripe accent wall and stuff (things that she was super excited about seeing previously) and she didn’t really care…she just said “neat” and that’s it. I invited her over for BBQ or just to talk or hang out and see the house and she responded to my invite (in a ‘joking’ voice) by saying she didn’t think she could visit our new home because she thought it would make her too jealous and that she couldn’t handle the jealously of seeing all the space we get to have while she has to rent a small apartment (she said before that she was looking to rent a house with her boyfriend so that her and I could be ‘twins’ but it ended up that they couldn’t afford it).
It just really shocked me and hurt me. I’ve been so careful not to over-share or over-mention the new house and I’m genuinely happy and enthusiastic for her about anything that goes on in her life. She tends to be more negative/dismissive about my accomplishments or my FI’s accomplishments, but I thought that since she was so excited before we moved in that she would be excited once we were here and would want to see it 🙁
I don’t want to seem disrespectful of her feelings, but at the same time I feel like she’s disregarding my feelings when she is so dismissive of the good things in my life. I’ve tried to talk to her about it before (about a different situation), but she got really defensive and just said she had been too busy and stressed to be happy for me. I’m just not sure how to approach this…I want her to see the house, but I don’t want her to be unhappy about it or even more negative. Do I just let it go and wait for her to approach me about seeing it? Do I continue to ask over the next couple of weeks (she’s a bridesmaid so she will have to see it eventually aha)? Any advice would be appreciated (:
Post # 3
Maybe she is dealing with her own feelings about not being able to afford to rent a house. Maybe she imagined that at this point she would be able to afford to live in her dream house and she just found out that this is not the case. Give her some time to deal with her own feelings, and when you eventually show her the house she would be less negative too. I know that you are in a happy situation and that you want the world to know and share your feelings with the persons who are important to you.
Post # 4
@sugarpea: You can’t change her feelings. She’s being petty and weird, but that’s her. She’s just immature and there’s nothing you can do to change it. She’s going to have to get over it herself. While I don’t think it’s rude or pushy for you to invite her over, she probably does because she’s having such a negative reaction. So I wouldn’t invite her anymore. She’ll come around eventually.
Post # 5
She sounds very childish and immature. I’m 20 and I don’t act like that. She may feel jealous or wish she had some things you do but she should never act that way or say she can’t come visit you because of jealousy. I would just ignore it and let it go until she decides she is capable of dealing with things and can be happy for you like she should be.
Post # 6
Could she just have been joking and really just not that interested in your house. You keep bringing up your house to her and maybe that is her way getting you to drop it.
Post # 7
It’s clear that in terms of maturity, you two are far more than just 2 years apart. If you want to remain friends with her, just accept that she can be immature and selfish about things she can’t have, and take it into consideration when sharing news with her or when deciding whether to take something personally. If this was my situation, I would distance myself from her until she grows up a little. I know that some people are more inclined to cling on to frienships than I am, but I also think trying too hard to salvage a friendship that’s in poor shape can hurt the chances of becoming closer later, when both parties are more equipped to be better friends. Just don’t feel personally hurt, her lack of consideration for your feelings is just a side effect of needing to grow up, and it doesn’t reflect on you.
Post # 8
It sounds like you really value her friendship, so honestly the best course of action is just to be the bigger person and not take these things personally for the next few years until she (hopefully) grows up. She’s acting very immature and self-absorbed.
The other option is to try sitting down with her sometime and telling her how sad and hurt you feel over all of this. Try to avoid putting her on the defensive–just frame it as “this is how I’m feeling lately, and it really bums me out.”
I’m sorry, OP. Invest emotionally in your other friendships and hopefully this phase will pass in time.
Post # 9
@sugarpea: My sister and I are 8 years apart and Im the young but got a house before her. She was excited but once we closed she didnt want to help with colors or anything. Now that they were finally able to get a house she is totally on the same page as me with helping and talking. I think your friend is just upset that she cant have it too and maybe this is something that she has really wanted, give her time to come around maybe when the house isnt the brand new object in your life.
Post # 10
Are you sure shes just not a bit sick if hearing about it
I mean ill take a quick tour of a new house but cant think ofanyhting worse that discussing at length furniture choices etc
Maybe she was feigning interest to be a good friend and offering help and now shes trying to find a way to start talking abiut other things?
Post # 11
It sounds to me like she’s tired of you bringing it up and jokingly tried to get you to drop it.
Edited to add: I say this because I think I wore some of my friends out when I first bought a house.
Post # 12
@MexiPino: +1. And at least she is being honest about her jealous feelings. That isn’t always an easy thing to admit.
I bought my house very young too (I was 20 with my first rental property, and 22 with my first family home). My friends were thrilled to have someone to hang out and I didn’t experience any adverse reactions. I guess I was lucky that way.
It can be hard when your friends are in a stage of life that you haven’t reached; it can make you feel inadequate, or that you are behind where you “should” be. When my friends started getting married and having babies, it was hard for me (they are all older than me, but still).
I was happy for them, but also jealous. We talked about it and many said they envied me for accomplishing what I had, without any help from a man. The grass isn’t always greener. I think your friend will come around and realize everyone reaches different levels at their own pace.
You can’t measure you life with someone else’s yardstick 🙂 You know what they say about the best laid plans.
Post # 13
Realizing that the adult things you want (or even the ones you need) don’t come as easily as it seems is difficult to come to terms with, at any age. You are very fortunate to be in the position you are, and I think it probably is upsetting to her that she’s confronted with what she perceives as her own shortcomings. She may sense your disapproval in her trying to emulate your successes, and that can be another hard thing to face.
You’ve been kind in trying to include her, but I think you both deserve a little space. She’ll come around, and in the meantime you have lots of exciting new homeowner projects to spend your time on!
Post # 14
I would drop it. Stop trying to make her feel something she isn’t and just let her have her feelings. At least she’s being honest, even though it makes her look petty. If she’s changed her mind about helping you with your new home get over and just be happy and enjoy it with your SO.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
Thanks everyone for reading through that and for your responses. I definitely recognize that age difference/differences in maturity play a huge role in her reaction and my expectation. I think I’ll just ignore it and drop the whole thing until she feels ready to bring it up.
@ieatunicorns: I’ve only brought it up a couple times: once to see if she wants to come over for a BBQ and then after that just to hang out because I thought maybe she felt like the BBQ would be too much of a time investment. Before we moved in she was talking about decorating and the house and gardening, and BBQs, and sleepovers, and stuff all the time. She would bring it up… it wasn’t just me going on about the house all the time. She seemed genuinely interested until we actually closed and moved in. This definitely could be her way of indicating that she wants me to drop it, but as I said in my OP, I’ve tried to be very thoughtful when talking to her. Ever since she started being weird about the house, I’ve tried to keep the focus of the conversations more on her so that she wouldn’t develop anymore annoyance towards the house/my situation.
Post # 16
Yes, it’s immature, and her inability to deal is unfortunate, but I can understand her jealousy. Just let her come around on her own time, and in the meantime, meet up at her place or out in public.