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My family is awesomely amazing. I trust (most) of "dem" with my life. I would trust them more than anyone hired because they are personally invested in making my day a success. I will likely DIY with a lot of things, so everyone and their mama (including mine) will be pulled in to help in some way, shape or form.
During the planning stages, I hope to enlist one of "dem," who is not a part of the wedding party, as the unofficial DOC to make sure that everything goes well. This will be my way to include them and, really, give them one of the most important tasks. They will have my check-list and know what I want, and I will, of course, give them special recognition or a thank you gift. Honestly, I wouldn't even have to ask someone to do this because my circle is like that -- they do what needs to be done with as little fuss as possible.
But, if I thought there could at all be any issues or that it would be worth the hassle, then I wouldn't. In my case, I really do know how fortunate I am that it would not be that way. (And I know this for a fact as my family has done TONS of weddings.)
While I'm not black, some of Mr. DG's family is. We opted to use them. It's hard because everyone has so many opinions on how to make things "just right".
In the end I just kind of threw up my hands and let them do it. There were a few battles where I stood my ground, but otherwise I just let them have at it ;)
@layla: i'm such a su-ther-nnnn belle!! lol!!!
@mrs.dg: it's the just right that i won't stand for :D my grandmom owned a planning business that's not as err couture as i like it ;)... and she and my aunt both make cakes, my mom and one of my other aunts are opening a venue at home and yet another aunt is an event coordinator at a hotel. let's just say NOOOOO i mean i won't discuss any of my ideas with them because i guess i'm too much like them and this is sort of what i want...
@curlydreamer: i also think back to the weddings where the aunts pulled together the event, they were all sooo exhausted at the end of it and in pissy moods because they all have such strong personalities... and got into some type of disagreement about it... that's totally not the vibe for my day :D... my mother has told me point blankly : these aunts will be helping you with your wedding because i helped with their daughter's. and i did so much work that i'll be damned if they don't do work for yours... ummm NO. glad i have a little sister, my response was "ma, they can definitely help (insert younger sister's name) because the older i get the less patience i have.. you can suggest an idea, but ummm my wedding, my way, on my dime.
Am I allowed to answer? :)
My aunt is making my cake and I'm hoping my cousin will sing in the ceremony with a friend playing guitar. Also, my other aunt is lending me some stuff for centerpieces. Oh and my FI's mom is helping me make invitations. And my friend/BM is doing my makeup. And my mom and I are doing the decorations. So....... its a family affair!
I am a DW bride so that wasn't an option or issue for me...depending on how you look at it =)
However, I am in the beginning stages of planning my sister's wedding and mama, cousins, and 'nem will ALL be a part of the process. I have a reputation for being the leader so I don't foresee too many problems. I gathered the troops once before for my younger brothers wedding and was able to plan his wedding/reception in TWO WEEKS. Everyone raved about how orderly and well put together it was.
The key is to give them set guidelines and make use of camera phones...LOL!
I actually really wish we had more family members who were willing and able to help...but I only would have taken them up on things that weren't actually all that important to me. If I had a very specific vision for something, I wouldn't want to risk someone I care about incurring the wrath. ;)
is it strange that i just have absolutely no interest in and them helping?! i told my mom over the phone about the gourmet burgers and you could hear the cricket's chirping!! am i the only person that hates the stufffy wedding food? seriously i leave weddings heading to mcdonald's burger king or waffle house, with that being said why not give the guests that type of food?! as a guest, i'd LOVE to go to a wedding like that so i'll give it to them... but m of course wants chicken wings and finger sandwiches lol so at least we're semi on the same page, i'm thinking gourmet wings, that have like the thai wings with peanut butter and sesame seed sauce, a hawaiian version, lemon pepper, etc. i want an us wedding without to much pomp and circumstance.. i'm a diva definitely but i LOVE bar food and so does m.
@spaniel: EXACTLY!! how do you say i wanted red roses and those are orangey red?! or something like that, i'd rather do it myself which is totally a diva-bride moment... i refuse to say bridezilla because those b.tches are nuts!! but a diva-bride is very particular and knows exactly what she wants and just wants it the way that she does. she's older and more established and well a diva ;)
@crebre-LOL-you made me laugh with the crickets comments when you mentioned gourmet burgers! I got a similar reaction when we mentioned gourmet pizza for the rehearsal dinner, it didn't go over well at all!
by the way, I checked out your blog, I like it!
I'm not using none of 'dem. I want to save myself from a headache. My bf and I are the youngest and although we are responisble and perhaps even more mature than our older siblings, our families like to butt in and control things. So we are usually professionals and the only people that will have SOME say are the people that are helping pay for the wedding (so that cuts 'dem out).
@ms.mojito: i know she's going MY DAUGHTER will not have BURGERS at her wedding! NO WAY. and i'm thinking thank goodness you live five hours a way and i can sneak in a few things lol!!!! thanks for the compliments on my blog!! i am actually cleaning the disaster that i call my house. i need to start eating better before the holidays and attempting to purge myself of excess fluids.... i am thinking of getting a detox really soon
@trugem: my kinda glrl!! i am definitely with you on the if you pay you get some say statement!! i think the only thing my mom would pay for is my dress perhaps... or they may foot the entire bill like they did for my stepsister(s) i'm not sure yet.
@crebre80: There's nothing wrong with not wanting your aunts or any of "dem" to help if you know that there will be the potential for drama. The only reason to have anyone in the family help is if it will make your life easier.
There are many other ways your aunts can pay your mom back for the help she did with their daughter weddings, such as helping with rehersal dinner preparations, engagement party preparation, or any loads of other things. :)
Well, I've donated my event planning services to my family for their special events, including weddings. I'm a semi-professional, since I don't do this event planning thing full time. The corporate job keeps me busy 50-60 hours a week (sometimes more).
But... I know what you mean by "my cousins and dem." Although I donated my semi-professional services, a lot of the family members insisted on putting in their two cents. It's hard for the guest of honor or bride/groom to manage, so I generally handled that aspect and just found a way to allow everyone to contribute to the planning and coordination without taking away from the guest of honor's (or bride/groom in this case) style and wants.
It's okay to have family help; you just need to be able to stand your ground when it is something you want. There are some battles you'll decide to lose and some you'll fight 'til you win. Whatever you do, weddings are about family and I think incorporating them into your day is perfect. Knowing my "cousins and dem," it's difficult, but a firm hand on the day of the wedding, like a coordinator or a family friend/member moonlighting as a coordinator will work wonders for your stress level.
Just tell them you want them to enjoy your wedding, not be stressed. They can totally help with other stuff and take over--like your shower =].Plus, last I checked, you wanted to stay away from the "traditional black wedding" right? And wont' your aunts do JUST that and try to bring in the COLLONADES??!?! OH NO! 
. I see it now...collonades decorated with white christmas lights...
My Sil is a stylist and this is one of the reasons I don't let her do my hair. She's family and I don't want to have to, at some point, be offensive and tell her I hate it or XyZ is how i want it.
It's easier to work with a stranger!
I have an aunt who wants to always be "one of dem" like you say. She offered to do the invitations, the cake, all this other stuff for my "backyard wedding" and I just had to say no, knowing she would flake, do it the way I didn't like (then get upset at me for being ungrateful), or get so stressed out at taking on such a large load. My aunt used to do party planning and it was NOT worth her vendor's discount. So it's best to say no up front than fight the hard fight in the end =]. I guess it's one thing if you love their work...but I think your aunts probably realize their work is not your thang. =]
BTW THAI WINGS?!??! OMG YUMMY. I get thai wings from a place down the street. I totally think you can do "couture" junk food like burgers and wings and make it delicious.
PS you have a blog? How did I not know this? Hook me up with the linky linkies. =]
@curlydreamer: they are five hours away and i'm sure some type of shower or luncheon would be thrown in my honor and omg how hilarious would it be to be a fly on the wall watching them put it together bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!
@091011: agreed!!
@ej: um yeppers!! don't get me started on the collonades there will be nothing that even resembles it!! i don't think that anything at all is wrong with collonades it's just not my cup of tea (ej and i have had a long chat a while back about certain things that are done in the traditional sense, etc)...
my aunt is a wedding planner, thank goodness and she is AWESOME. so my aunt and cousins i am sure will be helping out.
@nicloop: you're lucky! my aunts are good but just don't share my vision. they seem to be stuck a few years back while i am in the here and now.. for instance jeff leatham is one of my favorite floral designers followed closely by jung lee and then david tutera...
@91011: i think jung lee is probably my favorite i like her cool sophsticated sense of style.. I love jeff leatham's ability to use one flower in abundance to create the wow factor and i love david's use of sophisticated designs and the way he's able to translate them into any crowd, be it high couture or everyday normal.
I am going to chime in here and say that I love me some Preston Bailey...his designs are so dramatic and lush.
@jabride: preston's a bit over the top for me... i love him but he's all the way over the top for me and i prefer a simpler design.. i think he did a wedding on the my big fat wedding and his designs were very simplistic and tailored and i loved that...
crebre...I think I love him so much b/c I think his style is perfect for tropical weddings. The way he plays with light and floral arrangements always makes me think of exotic locations.
Hmmm I love what he did for the sandals locations but i think he's heavier, or at least in his books they are... now don't get me wrong some of the things that he did makes me faint, omg lisa raye's wedding, DROOLLLLL but most of the pix in his books are too over the top...
Zora Neale Hurston would be PROUD of all the vernacular on this board! :-)
@crysmack: lol i'm sure.... but my vandy english teacher would probably cringe, glad that i know he isn't reading it :o)
I haven't had any of my cousin and 'em ask to help with the wedding; however, my FI's sister is trying her best to get ME to ask for her help! BUT she doesn't have to worry about that, cuz I ain't gonna ask! LOL!
@johnitta: lol! m's sister is soo sweet and she is asking for help, I feel sorry for her because I'll have her wax sealing, embossing, etc and i'm soo anal and everyone is soo cute that they want to get everything perfectly done for me <3 my folks! thank goodness my wonderful aunts are at home with my mom :D let's just say all of us together leads to disaster because we all have very strong personalities. but my mom is sooo proud of all of the diy things and is showing my aunts so i think they are backing off and know that our wedding is just for them to come and have fun versus come and take over like they did for several of our cousins.
i don't think there is anything wrong with getting family to help as long as thier vision is making your vision come true... it is your day and they should be willing to help u do WHAT YOU WANT. If you think they aren't the best candidates for this there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking them to sit back but make sure to do it in a way that doesn't hurt their feelings... tell them u want them to enjoy your day instead of running around stressing, that way you have things done just the way you want and no hurt feelings... now everyone's happy
I believe in allowing family to help, but not on my wedding day as a vendor. I have no problem with them helping out but no one will be responsible for any major element. I firmly believe you get ,what you pay for. I'd rather forego something than to use a family member whom I might snap on for doing something outrageous on my wedding day. At the end of the day I want my family to remain close and not let a problem occur that would cause tension.
Our wedding is a destination so we're not going that route. With my family, everyone always has something to say, so, no thanks!
I come from a large close family that alll want to help. But I've enlisted a cousin who has done event planning to coordinate my wedding and 2 other close cousins who are not in the wedding party to assist her. My problem is going to be with my uncle who thinks he's a professional photographer. My mother (his sister) explicitly told me do NOT use him as my photographer, (I had no intention to lol). But I'm afraid that at the wedding he's going to get in the way of who I actually hire to photograph the wedding. So that's something I'm going to need to let my photographer know ahead of time. Other than those 3 cousins, my response to "and 'dem" help is "thank you so much but I've already got that taken care of... plus we would really like you to just come and enjoy yourself at the wedding" and leaving it at that.
i have a problem with my momma and dem. she wants me to use aunts or cousins for the day of coordinator and to help with various things which normally would be fine. but they dont understand when i say i want something a certain way i want something THAT way. not that they know best. i have been to sooooo many weddings that have been ruined by my aunts and cousins, that its why most of them arent even invited to mine (lots of fallout from some of them).
i desperately want to get my own professional day of coordinator and they are fighting me tooth and nail. i might just hire one on my own and just not tell her. *sigh*
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Beekeeper
A friend and I were having a discussion about how most of us use our cousin and them to help with our day when we could hire a professional and come out with a stellar result, oftentimes cheaper, and not as much of a headache in the end. How many cousin's and them are you using for your day that aren't professionals? For instance I hear over and over about the stresses of using a family member has caused because the family member exerted their style and didn't budge when the bride wanted a more modern aesthetic.
Personally I have aunts and them.. They won't be used :D... They have big personalities and well I have a biggger one, I guess it's one good thing that comes from being an older bride (29 or 30 who knows since i'm not engaged yet lol)... I honestly don't give a fart about what they say because i'm not a child and know exactly what i want...