My cousin had a shower and I feel icky about it (vent)

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
6166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

that’s the reason why you don’t host your own shower – it is gift grabby. 

someone offered to host her shower, they felt that the bride derserved one. 

don’t go or get her a gift if you don’t agree.


Post # 3
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

gingerkitten:  It’s perfectly fine to decline an invite to a shower if it makes you uncomfortable. Annoys me a little too when “established” people use their wedding as an excuse to get a bunch of new stuff, but it’s part of tradition.

Post # 4
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

gingerkitten:  Did she know about the shower or was it a surprise? Many bridal showers here are still kept a surprise for the bride.

Even if she knew about it, if her friends or family want to host a shower for her, I don’t see how that is anything for someone else to get upset about. I am not clear if you were invited, but if you were and found it distasteful, you could simply decline.

Post # 5
230 posts
Helper bee

I totally 100% agree with you OP. 🙂 

Post # 6
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

I don’t see the problem with it at all. To me the shower is to celebrate the couple moving in together and starting a new chapter in their lives. You said so yourself, her items may need upgrading and more than likely his does too. I seriously doubt they’ll be registering for things they don’t need or have space for, but things that could actually help them around their new home. In short, it doesn’t bother me and certainly doesn’t make me feel “icky.”

Post # 7
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

My uncle is getting married for the second time as well.. to a woman who has also been married before. They have done a lot of things that I would consider rude [changing their date 3 times so far.. deciding to get married 1 month in advance and then setting their date a week before my wedding which he had already received an invite for – but that’s all water under the bridge now].

They sent out their bridal shower invites 6, yes SIX days before the shower – I was flabbergasted by the fact that they are established, they both have large incomes, and no young kids at home [the youngest is 16, the rest are moved out of the house] and were still having a shower.

By the way, they hosted their own shower.

I didn’t go, neither did any of our side of the family – a few bought gifts and sent them but they complained about it.

All in all.. i think there are times when people do things a little different and you can either choose to go and put a smile on, or just not go.

Post # 8
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m not sure what her age has to do with it.

Post # 9
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

gingerkitten:  If you are so concerned about her age and status, just decline the invitation. With your attitude, I’m sure she would rather not have you there anyway.

ETA: okay, I see the shower already happened. And you are still feeling icky about it having occurred? Sad.

Post # 10
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think it’s fine, it’s just celebrating her new marriage. I’ve been to plenty of second wedding showers.

Post # 11
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I take offense to the “at her age” part of this.  I understand that you qualified it with if it was her first/whole bridal experience thing, but her age shouldn’t be an issue.  I’ll be a 35 year old bride.  I’m sure someone will throw a shower for me.  I don’t think there’s an age limit on celebrating one’s upcoming marriage.  The shower tends to be a good opportunity to spend time with the bride before the wedding when her attention is being pulled in so many directions.  As far as the gifts go, no one ever has to give a gift.  I understand that we already have a household set up, but I tend to be very generous whether with hostess gifts, prepared meals for new mom friends, babysitting, etc.  My guess is that the people I give to would see it as an opportunity to reciprocate more than a chance to set up my household.  Again, I don’t expect anything.  I’m just speculating.

As far as the second marriage thing, I see your argument here more.  This will be my fiance’s 2nd marriage so I’m a little more sensitive to the 2nd marriage thing.  He was really sheepish about having been married before.  Before he proposed, he confided that he was really sad that he might not be able to provide me with a big, excited crowd of guests because he’d already had a wedding.  It was sad.  He made a mistake and married someone who did not want to be a wife.  He has a second chance now.  It’s very much worthy of celebrating and we fortunately have not run into any issues with negative attitudes toward 2nd marriages. No, we aren’t having the giant wedding that he had the first time around, but we are having a much more intimate and meaningful event.  

My point is, there is no reason for her not to do the bridal thing just as there’s no reason for you to attend an event that makes you uncomfortable.  



Post # 12
2173 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I hate hate hate when people say that a couple shouldn’t have a shower because of their ages or because they’re established. A shower is not a charity event to help the poor, young couples fill their house, it’s a celebration of a new step in life together.


Post # 13
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t see what age has to do with it, but at the end of the day if it makes you feel “icky”, then don’t go. It’s literally as simple as that. If someone threw her a shower, it’s because they wanted to, end of story. If her having a second shower has this powerful of an effect on you, it’ll be best for her if you just didn’t go at all.

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Post # 14
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

honestly i dont like showers for older women who are already established. Yes, it is gift grabby in my opinion. You will already get a bunch of stuff for your wedding so i dont see it being necessary to also have a shower. 

Showers traditionally were for young brides who would be leaving the home for the first time and would need advice and help establishing their own homes.  Some gifts would be as simple as a collection of favourite recipies from one woman to her. 

Since women are getting married older and often have well established house holds i no longer think showers are appropriate. 

Just my opinion. I understand them for younger women, i dont for anyone who had owned their own home for awhile or who is onto their second marriage. 

Post # 15
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry you feel icky. It must be very difficult for you.

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