- 2 years ago
So… I’m 29, formerly a hopeless romantic. Married my high school sweetheart at 24(after breaking up, growing up and getting back together), and when we moved in together, it fell apart. Fast. The entire marriage, we never had sex. We had a dream wedding though. Everything came together, no thanks to my planning skills. Haha. It was about 100 people, all we wanted, intimate, formal, incredibly lovely, and I felt showered with love and well wishes from everyone in my life. My ex surprised me by singing to me. I cried so much! It was great.
The marriage has been over for about three years now, and I had a rough time. We were both dealing with severe mental illness, as it turned out, and we don’t bear each other any ill will, but somehow that doesn’t make things easier. I can look back and not regret it now. I have laid that pain to rest.
Obviously, that marital ship had some pretty big leaks. But part of it was that I wasn’t fully independent, and I didn’t think I could handle life on my own. I’ve dated around since then- I thought I wanted to get involved again, to fill up the holes in my heart, but that wasn’t for me. I just wanted to let them be. I finally concluded I was happier solo, cleaning up my life on my own, rebuilding just the way I wanted. I figured if I ever got involved again, it would be a long, sloooow process.
Then I met Big. (No relation to Carrie’s!) It is crazy- literally. We haven’t met in person yet. I live in the US, and he lives almost exactly on the opposite side of the world, in Australia. Now, trust me when I say I’m the queen of pragmatic: I’ve met bunches of people from the internet, and I’m deeply familiar with the fantasy-smashing that happens when you meet someone like this. I normally am not like this, even a teeny bit. I don’t think it’s romantic.
But he says, and I believe him, that he fell for me the first time he saw me on camera. I know I fell for him the instant I saw him on camera, too, although if the rest of him hadn’t matched up I’d make do without! He asked me to be his steady a month ago, and I was delighted. Although we’ve been on the same page throughout, so no surprises.
We may not be officially engaged, but he asked me for ring ideas and we’re making plans for me to move. He’s visiting here in a few months, and then we’ll sort the details. I know, I know, it’s crazy! But I trust my gut 100% on this; she’s done well by me in the past. I am keeping my ears open for trouble, Mama Bees- but he’s a good man. I don’t usually fall for men who aren’t good guys.
Anyway, the only real issue I’m having is that I can’t stand the thought of another wedding. I did finally come to terms with the idea of remarrying, and even having a beautiful ceremony. But in my ideal world, it would just be us and the officiant, who would then bugger off and let us spend the day wrapped up in one another. Big wants a beach wedding, which is fine with me but seems much easier with just three people, lol. And he’s the oldest of his siblings, who are all unmarried, and he’s his mom’s favorite(I gather), so of course he wants his family there. I get that. I just would really like to separate it out, maybe having a reception when we get back from our honeymoon. I know there’s no getting around being the center of attention, at least briefly. But the one thing I would have changed about my wedding is focusing more on my husband. I just know when I marry Big I won’t want to look at anyone but him. Also, I’m cheap as hell- I’ll make a penny scream for mercy! Oh, and the other thing is that I don’t want to invite my family to the wedding; I love them, they’re great, a ticket to Oz is a lot of fucking money and about 36 hours of travelling, and I honestly don’t want to put them through that when we’re not that close. The only person maybe is my mom, who is incredibly frail and needs her partner for most everything. 🙁 I don’t want to put her through that.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling, Bees! Does anyone else hate weddings? (Lol, if you’re two weeks to two months out, I feel you baes!) Is anyone else in crazy love?