Post # 1
have to get this off my chest…
I’ve been with Fi for 3 years. We’ve been engaged for 1 year….living together for 9 months….
In the past year, he has had 3 small heart attacks.( two without him even realising it) He’s a Chef and it’s a really stressful job. He was working at a place that ran him into the ground last year and 4 days after he gave his 2 weeks notice, he had his last heart attack. He’s now taken time off and has started a much better job with lots of time off, etc.
He’s on medication and under a doctor’s care. He is a smoker (since he was 16) and has managed to cut down to 2-3 cigarettes per day. He’s tried to quit completely, even with medical help , but it caused him even more stress. His doctor and I are happy that he’s managed to cut back so much but we still wish he’d quit altogether. He has also started exercising on his days off, even though his job is physically demanding.
After his last heart attack, NOBODY from my family called or emailed myself or my FI to see how he was. I told my mother, one of my sisters and my nephew what had happened. His own family is in another country and he has almost zero contact with them.
Weeks have gone by and last night I went to a group dinner with friends and one of my sisters shows up. She hadn’t heard about my FI and when I told her she said, “Well, none of us cares. Of course we aren’t going to call him.”
“You need to leave him while you can. You’re going to end up changing his diaper one day and caring for a sick person. Do you want that? WE ALL THINK you should leave him. Give him three months to quit smoking and if he doesn’t do it just leave him. What kind of idiot still smokes?”
SOOO…..that explains why I haven’t heard from anybody in my family…that explains why my mother refused an invitation to dinner from him…they are just freezing us out.
He got sick…so I’m supposed to leave him. WTF?
Post # 3
That’s all I can say. I’m so sorry to hear that they’re not being more supportive. Even if he’s not where you want him to be (such as with the smoking habits) it seems like he’s trying to make lifestyle changes for the better. A lot of that is a process. Maybe with his new job, fully quitting will be an easier stress to handle?
I wish I had advice for you about your family. :
Post # 4
Wow…why don’t you leave your family….
I know easier said then done…but if your own family can’t support you when you need them the most, then I say Divorce them…hopefully you have friends that have been there for you to take their place…
You know the saying you pick your friends but your born into your family…sometimes friends are closer to you then family…sorry this is the case for you
Hope your Fiance has a full recovery.
Post # 5
@mija22: this is exactly what I was thinking
Post # 6
So the moral of the story is that if the love of your life gets sick, dump them and move on to someone who isn’t as much work? Wow, your family’s a real treat. Hope none of them ever becomes ill, they’d probably be taken out back by their next of kin and shot like a lame horse.
Post # 7
If he has had 3 heart attacks I think that should be motivation for him to quit smoking altogether. Is he aware of the effects of smoking on someone with his health history? Its true that your family should be more supportive but I dont think he is helping his situation at all by continuing to smoke every day.
Post # 8
@linguo42: spot on, my dear!
Post # 9
Your family obviously isn’t handling the situation well. They need to be more supportive of both of you. But I agree that if someone I love was planning to marry someone who continued to smoke daily despite having had three heart attacks I would probably question the relationship too. They aren’t saying you should leave him because he’s sick.. they are saying you should leave him because he isn’t making good decisions for his future. You are getting married, so your future and his future are one in the same. He needs to make decisions that are best for both of you, and right now, he’s not doing that.
Post # 10
Holy crap, that sucks! I could maybe understand if he was a heroin addict dragging you down into a life of poverty and disease, but jeez the man is a hard worker who is doing his best to kick an EXTREMELY addictive habit. I should know, I smoked for many years and gained 30 pounds just from quitting!
I can’t even imagine saying “No one cares” wow. I do hope he finds more motivation to quit, but I didn’t until I got pregnant. It’s no walk in the park. I watched my dad go through years of hell and expensive treatments to quit smoking, DH as well who is also a chef.
Post # 11
If a family member’s SO had 3 heart attacks, I’d be worried sick for both of them!! How cruel!
Do they understand that smoking in an addiction and very VERY heard to overcome. It was like someone was asking me to just, stop blinking. Forever.
On a side note, what I used to quit was those e-cig things that give you the nicotine only. it was a bit diffeent but I got used to it. Smokeing w.o the carcinogens!! After that I used the gum ^_^
Post # 12
@bells: Great point!
I am sure they are putting their concern for you over their concern for him. It probably is frustrating that he isn’t quiting and making this change for his health and for you. I mean its not like he has a cough from smoking or gets short of breath-he had 3 heart attacks- I am not sure there is much better motivation for quiting.
That being said, it sucks they aren’t there for you. you definately have us all on the bee!
Post # 13
Wow! That was cold. I suppose they also believe in euthenasia? Makes it a tad easier for you when they are in their old age then doesn’t it? (And yes I would probably say something like that to them. I am very protective of those I love.)
So sorry they are so cold. I would dump them because it doesn’t sound like they would stand by you. Create your own family with NICE people. I adopt people into my family all the time. Love is thicker than blood. Love is what makes a family.
Post # 14
I am an EX smoker also (5 years now!) and can attest that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Cigarettes are actually more addictive than illegal drugs, but somehow they are totally legal.
Hopefully your sister was just being dramatic and exaggerating and your family doesn’t really feel this strongly.
Post # 15
Well damn, thats one of the coldest things I’ve read on the bee in the long time. So sorry to hear.
Post # 16
Omg! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Try talking with your family to hear their side, I agree with @moderndaisy maybe your sister was twisting the truth on her part. Then if they say something similar to you, then cut them out just as they’re cutting both of you out. ::Hugs::