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I am bi-polar and though my life seems to be better controlled than that I would hate to think that someone I love didn't invite me to their wedding because I may spoil it if I'm no my 'usual' self. Speak to his girlfriend. Let her know your concerns and ask if she would be willing to keep an eye out for him and if she thinks it may not work out to cut out early with him, but would you really want to get married and not have your dad there? At least for the ceremony?
You question whether or not he deserves to come- I'm sure you have lots of painful memories, but try to remember that he has a mental illness, an actual chemical imbalance. While he can control some of his behaviors, others are out of his control due to his illness. It's not an excuse for all that he's done to hurt you and your family, but it may help you to offer some forgiveness.
I think Chela's suggestion of talking to his girlfriend is a good one. The fact that she encourages him to maintain a relationship with you is a positive one- she's thinking of what's best for both of you. Perhaps she can offer to stick by him and leave early if he is out of sorts.
If you were my best friend, I would tell you to invite him and to ask your mom to back off. If your family can't come together for this wonderful celebration, when can it? It sounds like your dad is getting himself together, and trying to get well. Perhaps this will be a happy memory of your dad that you, your siblings, and your new extended family can share and build upon in the future? You remember happy times with him, but your siblings don't. Maybe your wedding could be a happy time for them to share in together?
I'm sorry you're facing this decision. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Good luck.
sorry your going through this, but i think its pretty unfair. i understand you hold a lot of resentment towards your father for things that have happened in the past...but he is clinically diagnosed as BP. its not like he's just a rotten guy, he's sick. he drinks as a form of self-medication. its a disability just like any other. it sucks that you and your mom dont think he's even worthy of an invitation to your wedding...hope it all works out for you...i think its a good idea to give his girlfriend a call and get her input
His girlfriend doesn't know what has happened in our lives. She is aware that he has bi-polar disorfer. But the other stuff is not a symptom. Being Bi-polar is not an exscuse to be an alcoholic and lose your job every two months and verbaly abuse your children. Mostly the idea to ivite him is so I don't feel guilty in 10 years or when he dies. I am not even sure he would come anyhow.....
Actually, having bipolar disorder makes you suseptible to alcohol and drug abuse. the mood swings can cause violent outbursts whether verbal or physical. It is an emotional rollercoaster for both the person with the disorder and their families. I am lucky that my family and friends have forgiven me for my outbursts and tantrums and alcohol abuse (again, I am in a much better place now). If you cannot forgive him, then do not invite him. If however you love him and want to try to forgive and make peace then invite him. It's up to him whether or not he will come.
Bipolar can be passed down and my father reminds me of your father. When I had to deal with my issues, I had to learn to forgive others for the same thing. I cannot imagine not having my dad there with me despite all the past drama.
Good luck! This is not an easy decision.
I have to agree with everyone else, HOWEVER I offer another suggestion:
What if you extended an invitation to him to come to the wedding, but asked him not to attend the reception? As an adult you have every right to be honest with him. Tell him youwould like for him to come, but you are not sure you can trust him to behave appropriately. Tell him you would like him to come to the wedding if he can do so sober, but would prefer if he not stay for the reception.
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I'm curious if he's been taking meds. You said things are different now. DOes that mean he "behaves himself" now? Perhaps it might be hard to be objective, even if there is an actual medical explanation for what happened. But Chela has some great points, and has been there.
If he's taking meds, I'd say give him a shot. Also, has he ever talked to you? apologized? Have you ever talked to him about what's been going on? Is it possible that he seems indifferent because (not only the symptoms of his disorder) but also because he's unsure how you all feel about him? And doesn't want to upset your now settled worlds? I would like to think that if he has a reasonable, understanding GF, that he has improved in his life. Maybe this could help heal some things.....
Good luck sorting this out. But I think before you make any decisions you should get into having some long talks. Your wedding is over a year away. You have time.
He was on meds for a while when I was in highschool, he couldn't function on them , he was lethargic and couldn't complete tasks. He quit taking them and stopped getting treatment. We (my family) have tried to help him but he is resistant. Now he lives in another city and will not resolve his past conflicts. I have talked to him about the past and he said that it wasn't true. He does not remember being that way with us. He feels he did nothing wrong. He stole money from us to buy drugs and shoplifted from the store I worked at at his lowest point. His bi-polar disroder is not helped by drug use and stubborness. I feel as if he is a wall when it comes to helping him. His attitude is that he can do what he wants when he wants and *f...* everyone else. He denies everyhting, being sick, using alcohol and making things haard for our family. I don't know how I can express the way I am feeling to him anyother way that I havn't tried. I have written letters, had conversations with him and even tried to ignore the past. Nothing seems to work.
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I am having an issue about inviting my father. My mother is adament that I not invite him, they have been separated for about 5 years now and she thinks that having him at the wedding will be disrespectful. I do not have the best relationship with him. He has mental illness and made things very hard for our family. He got sick when I was 11 and the next 12 years were spent moving around and being poor because he kept losing his job and getting arrested. He lives with his girlfriend now and I had a chance to go see him over Christmas. It had been about two years before that since I had seen him. He calls me every once in a while, but I think his girlfriend tells him to. My mom is worried that his behavior would ruin our ceremony and reception. He is Bi-polar and an alcoholic.....but I feel that I should invite him becuase he is my dad and I will love him no matter what. I don't want to miss having him there when I look back at my wedding. I do love him and I don't want to have him miss out on being at his oldest daughters wedding. He was a good father until he got sick and we were close......things are different now but I don't want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable either. My sister and brother will both be there and in the wedding party. They are younger than me and had fewer years with him when he wasn't sick. They only remember the hard times and when he messed up. What should I do....I am not sure if he deserves or even cares to come, but I don't want to make the wrong decision.